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[Dante]

I just got a jeweler to make a perfect topaz. I don't even know how I can take advantage of it in any way

For some reason, the first thing that came to mind was socketing it in a helmet or armor for 24% better chance of getting magic items.

This was comedy gold and anyone who misses this reference is dead to the world.

I hit bauxite, and my legendary gem-cutter keeps churning out Large Rubies instead of cutting them properly.
I'm going to put three of the things in my last tower-cap bin, Horidrak the Cube of Transformations, and hopefully get an Extremely Large Ruby out of the deal.

[Vercingetorix]

Buildable artifacts are the best.  Happy thoughts from using that bucket for a well or that bone spear in a weapon trap.

Even if they're sort of useless like a floodgate, just stick them somewhere to boost room value...at least they contribute to your fort rather than just take up space in your stockpiles and attract kobolds.  I suppose there's some irony value in using the artifact floodgate to drown the nobles living in that room.

[Hyperturtle]

ah just like how my baroness helped assemble and then admired the menacing spike trap in her room. 

[Eric Blank]

ah just like how my baroness helped assemble and then admired the menacing spike trap in her room.

tehehe 'menacing spike trap'

[tastypaste]

I just got an artifact quern. Now this is useless. My fort only runs on plump helmets. I've got nothing to mill in the quern.

EDIT: It does have an image of cave wheat on it, which is appropriate if dull.

[Rastaan]

Wooden flute, anyone? At a low, low price! Only 4800db.

But it's okay, because then I got a ring with four seperate gems, a whole bauxite stone and two types of bones set into it.
No wonder Dwarven women are so often Ultra-Mighty. Imagine having to wear jewellery like That.

[Xzalander]

I wouldn't say its the most useless Artifact I have, it is the most vain one though.

An Electrum throne with bands of oak, engraved in electrum is an image of an electrum throne with an engraving of an electrum throne.

So I can't sell it to Elves, due to the inclusion of wood. And My Fort is the last Dwarf Civ. And just to top it off, the Humans live on an island alone. Valued at 49,820 though. ^^

[Oglokoog]

You can't sell artifacts to nobody ever.

[Dave Mongoose]

I just got a jeweler to make a perfect topaz. I don't even know how I can take advantage of it in any way

For some reason, the first thing that came to mind was socketing it in a helmet or armor for 24% better chance of getting magic items.

This was comedy gold and anyone who misses this reference is dead to the world.

I hit bauxite, and my legendary gem-cutter keeps churning out Large Rubies instead of cutting them properly.
I'm going to put three of the things in my last tower-cap bin, Horidrak the Cube of Transformations, and hopefully get an Extremely Large Ruby out of the deal.

Definitely seeing an idea for a fortress here: Tristram overground and a multi-level dungeon... And you don't even need to build the bottom level yourself:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Just dig into Hell!

[Xzalander]

You can't sell artifacts to nobody ever.

Well that makes any artifact that isn't furniture, weaponry, armour or placeable very pointless indeed. \o/

[Graygan]

Rabedakan, FreckleFortune, a Palm Piccolo

This is a Palm Piccolo.  All craftdwarfship is of the highest quality.  It is encircled with bands of palm and rose gold.  This object menaces with spikes of iron and pig iron.  On the item is an image of the Lucid Secret, the lignite scepter in palm.

**********************
Couple questions/observations...

This was the second item created in my current fortress.  The first, obviously, was the Lucid Secret, a lignite scepter.

What the hell is a piccolo doing with menacing spikes of iron and pig iron?  Who's going to want to play the piccolo if its going to stab them in the mouth?

Piccolos are one of the smallest instruments ever... how is it that it took an entire bar of iron, another bar of pig iron, another bar of rose gold, and 3 palm logs to make?  I was going to make a sarcophagus out of that rose gold, damnit!

And why, oh why?... Why would you carve an image of someone elses creation in your own special creation?  Why not something a bit more heroic?

[Zangi]

Creativity: Abysmal
Imagination: Facts and Numbers are fun!

[MonkeyHead]

following on from the turtlebone^3 earring, my posessed cook (meh no skillgain again) decides that a cedar flute encrusted with pretty much all my gems is a good idea. it now has an obscene value for a wodden instrument (around 27000 db), and is acting like some kobold magnet.

i miss my last fort of roughboot, where i had an atrifact copper anvil with tentacle demons on it (moistnesslove..., and an artifact chalk millstone useless in rl of course) encircled with dog leather. at least those had a use.

[Lord Darkstar]

I once got an artifact short skirt.  That was pretty bad.  It was decorated with the sort of inane things you'd see at a fashion show.  Not exactly the ideal throne room

Wouldn't a worn artifact made of silk, cloth, or leather wear down?

That isn't useless, bad, or unpleasant. That is a fairly bad ass bed, and likely to let you get away with shoving a noble of your choice in a peasant bedroom.

a stone bed covered in spikes?
sounds pretty useless and unpleasant to me

Sounds like a DethKlock bed to me.

I just got a jeweler to make a perfect topaz. I don't even know how I can take advantage of it in any way

For some reason, the first thing that came to mind was socketing it in a helmet or armor for 24% better chance of getting magic items.

Fate much?

[ManaUser]

I once got an artifact short skirt.  That was pretty bad.  It was decorated with the sort of inane things you'd see at a fashion show.  Not exactly the ideal throne room

Wouldn't a worn artifact made of silk, cloth, or leather wear down?

It shouldn't. Artifacts are suppose to be indestructible. Though I'm not certain I've really seen this in action