fuck it, so i was lurking here because i'm clingy and can't commit to anything seriously and this place is the only source i have for human interaction besides my kin and
A cloud of meh has descended over me. I don't know why but all my energy and motivation is suddenly gone. I don't feel like I have anything to live for at the moment: not in the sense of wanting self destruction, but in the sense that existence seems boring for some reason. I don't think I know how to properly express my negative emotions, trying to sleep this off results in the thoughts swirling around in my brain keeping me up, but posting about them feels self-indulgent and overly dramatic, and that I'm just fishing for positivity or something. Which is probably not how it should feel, but I dunno.
For whatever reason I feel really...Not sure how to describe it. Lonely would probably be the best way. I just can't shake the feeling that nobody really cares about me, just pretends to out of pity and a sense of obligation. Which is ridiculous, I know, but here we are.
And even aside from that, I feel like I should probably drop out of contact with/sever ties with several of my friends simply because it seems like I'm kind of doing the opposite with them of what I should be; that is, just dragging their mood down with me and making them miserable as well. And I honestly have to wonder if the same is true for the forums; I really don't contribute much of anything here. And if I were to just stop posting...Would anyone notice? Would it be a better place if I weren't part of it?
On top of that I've been incredibly stressed out over everything. Even though there's nothing to stress about. It seems I'm pretty much hardwired to always find every little, tiny thing and blow it massively out of proportion, constantly worrying about it. And sometimes it makes sense, like coming out of the closet, but other times it's complete asinine bullshit that ends up making me feel like I'm about to snap.
even though I can't articulate what I feel flame and hugo seem to have gotten [how i've been feeling for several months] fairly well. Flame nails a lot of it, and Hugo gets fairly close.
I guess I should add something, and so I'll say that lately (this summer) a lot of stuff just feels really really false. I know that it isn't, at least most likely not, but I can't shake the nagging feeling that everyone's just, as flame put it, playing pretend. Both here and in real life. Real life is what's bothering me the most, I think. I'm feeling alone and a bit abandoned by those people whom I'd called friend since exactly 0 of them have attempted to contact me as of yet, despite a few of them saying they would. I don't know. It just hurts a lot I guess. I guess I should try to do it myself, but I always end up overthinking everything and panic and then just leave feeling worse and more lonely than when I started. Coming back to here, I worry over posting things that I really should because of that feeling. Like, I want to post what's on my mind but I know if people actually acknowledge it or even make a desired response, I'm just going to feel like they're doing it out of obligation not because they care. It's really stupid, but fuck I don't know. Whatever I do I'm going to feel like shit because of it.
There are other things to be said but my mood and motivation are fading quickly and so whatever. Sorry for profanity, sorry for being stupid, sorry for not actually leaving, sorry for annoying you all.