*A small jingle plays in the background as a Moskurg child listens to the radio *
*do do do do, dodo do!*
Petro: Hello everyone! I’m Petro!
Carlo: And this is Carlo!
Together: And this is the MOSKURG RADIO SHOW!
Petro: So now that that’s out of the way, it’s time for today’s topic. Carlo, would you be a dear and read it for me.
Carlo: “A critical review on War and Tigers”
Petro: Okay, so for those of you who don’t know, War and Tigers was a novel written by Alexei Mazeltov back in 1921. Alexei was also famous for writing WarTiger, a children’s novel about a tiger who was captured by Arztoskans and forced to fight against his own people (Moskurgs). It was famous for portraying the horrors of working in the Arztoskan army and the brutality of Arztoskan weapons. That book also had a very powerful chapter about the tiger’s time in the Arztoskan mines, being forced to see the cruel ways Arztoska treats its Moskurg prisoners.
Carlo: I know all of that already but I always wondered where did Alexei managed to get his research?
Petro: Oh, he was a Moskurg prisoner himself. He was stuck on Arztoskan soil for several years before he managed to escape.
Carlo: How’d he do it?
Petro: Oh, quite simple. After being transferred to the mines, Alexei ambushed his captors and showed them the consequences of enslaving Moskurgs.
Carlo: Stupid Arztoskans, thinking they can just leave a tiger in a dark tunnel and expect nothing bad to happen to them.
Petro: Yeah, those stupid Arztoskans. Anyway, when Alexei returned to Moskurg he decided to write a book about his time in Arztoska, and he called it WarTiger. Of course he did change the names but other than that it was completely accurate.
Carlo: Hmm, interesting. I never knew that. So how is War and Tigers?
Petro: Oh dear, I completely forgot about that! Despite the title, War and Tigers is a completely different book when compared to WarTiger. While the latter is a non-fiction children’s book/autobiography, the former is an allegorical epic about the history of this war and how Arztoska is totally to blame for all of it.
War and Tigers explains in graphic detail the events surrounding the Arztoskan invasion of Moskurg and the impact of the industrial revolution on Moskurg society, as seen through the eyes of five Moskurg aristocratic families.
Spanning 2400 pages, this giant book is filled to the brim with research conclusively proving without a doubt that: Arztoska is entirely to blame for this war, Arztoska sucks, Moskurgs are stronk, tigers are awesome, Moskurgs are smart, Arztoska is stupid, Arztoskans smell like poop, and that Arztoska should surrender unconditionally.
Having read the book myself and being backed with several degrees in foreign literature, I can safely say that War and Tigers is the greatest and most intelligent book of this Millennium!
Unfortunately, it’s very boring. If you want to read this book for entertainment, don’t bother trying. The book is a big disappointment for fans of WarTiger.
Carlo: Awww, I wanted something I could sink my teeth into while I was waiting for WarTiger2
Petro: Well, you'll just have to wait until then Carlo. In other news, the Moskurg government sent a copy of War and Tigers to Arztoskan officials to read for themselves. Apparently 5 officials died of boredom before they decided to just burn it. Arztoska being the lying pricks they are, then began to spread lies to its citizens about how Moskurg attempted an Anthrax attack.
Carlo: For shame Arztoska, lying to your citizens. We in Moskurg never do that.
Petro: It was disappointing to hear that news. I thought this book would finally allow us to begin making steps towards ending this war.
*awkward silence*
Carlo: Well, I guess that’s the review on War and Tigers.
Petro: And now for a message from our sponsors.
*There is the sound of gunfire, occasionally the screams of women and children are heard, when suddenly there are the pained sounds of a tiger being shot*
Announcer: Do you hear those noises? That is the sound of Arztoska trespassing on Moskurg soil. Will you just stand there twiddling your thumbs while these villains slaughter innocents in the thousands just to satisfy their bloodlust? Well, if you want to do something about it, then join the army!
As a member of the Moskurg army, you will receive warm clothes, delicious food and the satisfaction of knowing that you’re fighting for a good cause.
Sign up today at your local surplus store!
Petro: So we’re back now and you what that means. Time for the national news! So what’s today’s story Carlo?
Carlo: Well, it seems like Arztoska’s high command is still refusing to sign the Arstotzka-Moskurg War Treaty, a treaty that will ensure the humane treatment of our Moskurg prisoners as well as forbidding the random slaughter of civilians. Currently, the main point of dispute is the fact that Arztoska wants to hold the right to bomb cities filled with innocent civilians.
Petro: Why Arztoska why? Your evil burns my soul.
Carlo: Honestly I don’t know why. Maybe it has to do with living in a Taiga for several generations? You know, cold hearts and all of that.
Petro: Well, it’s quite clear that Arztoska needs help, but ah well, what can you do about it?
Carlo: We can win this war, and then enlighten Arztoska with the Moskurg way.
Petro: That might actually work. So if you people who are watching want to help Arztoska overcome its evil ways. Join the army and fight for Moskurg.
*Ding*
Well, looks like we’re just out of time. Tune in next time to hear the latest news…
Carlo: From the greatest country.
*A recording of the Moskrug anthem plays in the background*
Moskurg, Moskurg, Moskurg STRONK,
Beauty in the face of TAONKs,
Gods may oppose us,
Hope they may grind,
But with great weapons
We desecrate shrines!
Moskurg, Moskurg, Moskurg STRONK,
In our war we can do no WRONK,
Fast as the desert sands,
Stronk-as-a tiger's love,
We shall crush our foes
With glor-ious death from above!