Episode Two, Turn Nine: The Reckoning.
The Village of Termonfeckin...
Usher everyone to a safer location from the flames, especially the children!
USE A FIRE EXTINGUISHER TO HELP OR CALL THE LOCAL AUTHORITIES!
If feasible, go chant along the way!
Also, bless the place, using the natural fire as an aide.
...In the mainly burning village of Termonfeckin, beside the smoking pile of rubble which used to be the village cinema, right next to the burning tent which in turn used to, rather briefly, be the village cinema,
Father Viridian is clearly trying to redeem himself in the eyes of his Maker.
That or warm himself up after nearly an entire day of nudity.
Rushing over to the ransacked charity shop to fetch the fire extinguisher he left there, Father Viridian dashes back to the rising flames, spewing foam into the inferno before wading in himself to save the women and children, chanting praises to the Lord as he does so.
"Judicium Dei! Fire! Fire!"But what’s this?!
Tamper with the viewer register so that the names of approximately fifteen viewers today conveniently vanish from the list.
If that action is too meta, remove the same number of viewers from the cinema by means of stick and carrot and stick and well-placed bribes. Did I mention the stick?
...As
Father Viridian shepherds his flock safely out of the raging doom-tent, he comes face to face with
Father Red, herding them back in by means of violent stick-based beating!
Even the women!
Even the children!
Screams of burning terror and fear fill the air along with the acrid smoke, until suddenly out dashes a burning pensioner, her hair a torrent of hairspray fuelled napalm horror. She punches Father Red right in the face! He falls to the ground, whereupon she kicks him right in the feckin’ bollocks! He curls into protective ball, so she kicks him right up the arse!
The old woman drops her burning wig on the grovelling priest and turns to her fellow pensioner.
“Come on, Mrs O’Flemmerty, I’ve had enough of this shite. Not a saint’s feckin’ nipple in sight. Let's feck off.”Call up Bishop Lennan and explain to him the merits of three-priest masses and using funeral masses of sinners to scare people into doing right by the Lord.
...As the elderly pair leave, they pass a rather excited looking
Father Pink, waving his arms about frantically in a nearby telephone cabin. Partially comprehensible shouts escape the glass box. Having heard about these modern telephone cabin exhibitionists, and having been deprived of their racy fillim smut, the old women stand and watch in hope.
“And then, then we could feckin’ well tell them about HELL, and all of that shite, and explain that all the burnt sinners were burnt because they were going to HELL and they SINNED, AND because they were bunch of feckin’ gobshites so they were, and, you know, it was NOTHING to do with me so it wasn’t, I wasn’t even there, wait, I was, I was there protesting against the fillim, you know, but I didn’t burn the poor children so I didn’t, and then, you know, I think it would be a better use of our priestly resources, going forward, to have three-priest Masses and all that, because it righteously INTIMIDATES the congregation, and enables more priests at once to talk about HELL, and, you know, they feckin’ deserved it, so they did, the sinners I burnt alive in the church there, and I didn’t do it on purpose, but if I had’ve done, well, I’d feckin’ well burn them again, the sinning little GOBSHITES, and I wouldn’t feckin’ stop there, no sir, Bishop Lennan, I’d feckin’ well kick off their sinner’s bollocks and I’d burn them too! And then I’d… oh, hello there Mrs McFlanagan! Hello Mrs O’Flemmerty! What the feck are you staring at there. Just er… just erm telling the Bishop about this dream I had, or some shite like that! Er. Feck off!”Nothing of note has happened this turn! Although a priest has confessed to manslaughter!Film Factor: 2.50
Queuers: 0
Viewers: 102 (including 5 priests)
The Village of Ardglass...
Knowing his fellow priests, Father Brown takes his drugged tea and biscuits and sneakily offers the others some to stop them from causing any more trouble
...In the non-burning village of Ardglass, in the aftermath of a veritable tsunami of screaming nubile young ladies,
Father Brown is taking stock of a day’s successful protest. He looks at his colleagues. He looks at his “special” refreshments. He reflects on his fellow priests’ levels of competence. He remembers the plague of fainting his “special” refreshments recently induced. He grabs a pot of tea and a handful of biscuits.
Just head in the cinema, and while everyone is enjoying pandas, keep reminding the viewers that there aren't any saint's nipples around here...maybe they should go check a cinema somewhere else on the island?
...”This is a bag of shite!” shouts
Father Green, loudly.
“Shh!” comes a reply.
“The pandas are going to get racy and become saints and show their nipples and all of that bollocks!”“No! Bag of shite! Shite! Perhaps at anot-“Father Green is interrupted by a rather loud thumping sound. The sound, in fact, of
Father Brown rushing into the cinema, smashing Father Green off his seat with his teapot, and pouring crumbled biscuits and scorching tea down his throat, drugging him into dribbling unconsciousness before he can cause any more harm.
Father Brown struggles to get Father Green back into his seat and then walks off in search of
Father Orange.
Father Orange searches for something to hide his nakedness before fleeing back to the rectory!
...It doesn’t take long for
Father Brown to find
Father Orange!
For lo! There he is, Father Orange, running extremely nakedly into the cinema full of eager viewers, holding his arms before him greedily carrying a substantial pile of soiled panties!
Suddenly he trips! And stumbles! And falls! And staggers nakedly into the seated Mrs O’Hanagan, collapsing on top of her like some kind of drunken nudist molester panty-fiend, showering soiled panties into the air and over the assembled local populace!
Screams of delight are quickly turned into screams of scandal and disgust as the villagers realise they are in the company of other villagers. The ninety parishioners turn angrily to express their repulsion when Father Orange opens his mouth to apologise. Father Brown quickly strikes, pouring tea and biscuit crumbs down his fat open gobshitin’ gob before smacking him round the face with the teapot, hoisting him onto his shoulder, and fleeing as fast as he can from the angry mob.
Running into the nearest toilets, Father Brown throws the now unconscious and soiled-panty-less Father Orange through a cubicle door and to the floor at the feet of Mrs McFinnegan. Father Brown dashes back to the theatre room to calm down the angry mob via the application of teapot and drugged beverage.
The appearance of a naked and drooling priest during her evacuation séance seems rather to disconcert Mrs McFinnegan. She passes out from the scandal, falling sideways off the toilet seat and smashing her head open on the side of the cubicle.
One priest is naked!Film Factor: 1.75
Queuers: 0
Viewers: 92
The Village of Creggenbaun...
Father Cyan takes advantage of the moment, and kicks Bishop Lennan so hard in the bollocks that they join Father Blue's.
...”FATHER PINK. CALM THE FECK DOWN. YOU SAY YOU DID WHAT NOW?! WHAT THE FECK ARE YOU BURNING PEOPLE TO DEATH FOR? I DON’T CARE IF THEY SINNED, WE’RE IN THE TWENTIETH FECKING CENTURY NOW, WE CAN’T BE SEE-ARRRRRRG!”Suddenly, leaping out from behind,
Father Cyan kicks Bishop Lennan right in the bollocks so feckin’ hard that it is bound to have some very, very severe consequences at some point.
Father Purple drags Both of his fellow priests into the theatre, and performs mass with them in front of the screen.
Include much swearing.
...But just then, as Bishop Lennan turns round to confront his assailant and deliver some very, very severe consequences to the face,
Father Purple appears, knocking
Father Cyan to the floor and attempting to drag him away.
“FATHER FECKIN’ PURPLE. DID YOU JUST FECKIN’ WELL KICK ME IN THE BOLLOCKS? DID YOU JUST FECKIN’ WELL FECKIN’ KICK ME IN THE FECKIN' BOLLOCKS?”“Er no sir! I was just doing a feckin’ Mass so I was, o great Bishop Lennan and all that shite! Feckin’ verbum er deum uh FECKIN’ SHITE!” Father Purple briefly leans down to whisper something into Father Cyan’s ear.
“I,” he says, very quietly and slowly,
“Am going to feckin’ well kick your bollocks off. You’ll never see them again. I’m going to kick your bollocks off so feckin’ hard that they’ll leave the atmosphere and burn up on reentry. I’m going to kick your bollocks off so feckin’ hard that th-arhrhghr!”Do something totally non-dangerous and stuff.
...Suddenly
Father Blue cartwheels nakedly and danglingly through the cinema exit, landing with panache on top of Father Purple.
He looks up nudely.
“Oh right so. Hello there, Bishop Lennan. Just er… just um… oh shite.”One priest is entirely naked! One priest has kicked Bishop Lennan in the bollocks! He might well live to regret it!Film Factor: 1.25
Queuers: 0
Viewers: 94
Well, it’s taken… about five weeks (and a much longer time than I expected re-reading the Episode to check all POPs were taken into consideration), but here we have the first final four!
A victory for Team Ardglass means the Final Results Priest Operative Point (POP) Leaderboard looks like this:
Father Brown +15
Father Green +12
Father Orange +10
Father Pink +6
Father Cyan +5
Father Purple +4
Father Veridian +0
Father Blue -0
Father Red -1
A note of caution for the victors: you're only as good as your last Mass!
Standby for Episode Three.
Oh, and I guess you can reveal yourself now if you want to, or keep anonymity if you don't. I don't mind.
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Topic: Roll to Priest: The End. (Read 69159 times)