Episode Two, Turn Four: Return of the Bishop!
The Village of Termonfeckin...
Get clothes for my gobshite fellow priests, then preach at the person at the ticket booth until he leaves in shame for allowing people to see this smutty fillim.
...”Have you got any pants, Mr McArgity?” enquires
Father Pink at the ticket booth.
“You know, that was a rather good fillim there, from what I saw, but this feckin’ stupid pair of gobshite priests ruined it a bit for me. Could I have another ticket please?”RETRIEVE PANTS FROM THAT EEJIT FECKER VERIDIAN
THEN CONVINCE CINEMA OWNER HE NEEDS TO LEAVE POSTHASTE BECAUSE BISHOP LENNAN IS GOING TO PARK HIS BOOT RIGHT UP HIS FECKING ARSE. IF HE COMPLIES (OR IF HE DOES NOT), SUBSTITUTE RACY BITS WITH RICKROLL
...”Can I have me feckin’ pants, Father Veridian, you big gobshite? Father Veridian! Come back! You big feckin’ gobshite!”“Oh, hello there, Father Red. Did you like the fillim? I heard a pair of priests might’ve disrupted it a little? Would you like another ticket perhaps?”“Oh, hello there, Mr McArgity! A wonderful feckin’ fillim it was! I’d love another ticket please!”“Ok Father. Perhaps you could on some feckin’ pants? Don’t want you… you know… disrupting the lady viewers, Father. Oh, hello there, Father Veridian. Erm. You’ve got no feckin’ pants.”As the priests will follow me and try to cure my 'raving madness', explain that it was all part of the plan to bring in more of the flock.
Then we show how the movie is...in its true colors.
Find suitable clothing for the occasion, perhaps try to keep in contact with the others?!
...”Erm. Bye now, Mr McArgity. Sorry about that there, Father Red. All part of the plan, you see. Trying to get more of the flock in, or something. Oh look, I’ve got some pants!”Father Veridian puts on
Father Red’s pants and the pair wander outside to harangue the waiting crowd of villagers.
“Oh feck.”“What’s that you say there, Father Veridian?”Father Veridian points wordlessly to the bishopmobile parking outside the cinema. The window silently slides down. An angry head pokes out of the rear window.
“Oh feck. I’ve got no feckin’-““FATHER FECKIN’ RED! WHY IN THE FECKIN’ GOBSHITE HAVE YOU GOT NO FECKIN’ PANTS ON? OUTSIDE A FECKIN’ CINEMA OF ALL PLACES? YOU’RE GOING TO NEED A PLASTER CAST FOR YOUR FECKIN’ BOLLOCKS ONCE I’VE FINISHED FECKIN’ KICKING THE BUGGERS, YOU BIG FECKIN’ GOBSHITE!”Bishop Lennan opens the car door and unbuckles his seat belt. He gets out and straightens up his cassock before starting over to the cinema entrance.
One priest is naked! A sizeable crowd has turned up to watch the afternoon showing! A bishop has appeared!Film Factor: 4
Queuers: 24
Viewers: 21 (including 5 priests)
The Village of Ardglass...
Inspired by Father Green's daring plan, Father Brown assaults the projector room to change the film to something less racy. Some sort of documentary, perhaps?
...Taking advantage of the emptied cinema,
Father Brown rushes to the projector room, kicks down the door, and finds the projector room entirely deserted. He finds a few reels entitled “The Passion of Saint Feckin' Fibulus” and swaps them with something a little more dull looking.
”Fully About Pandas” eh? he thinks to himself.
Nothing to get the feckin' pulse unracing like a feckin' bunch of feckin' pandas, I'll be bound. Right, now time to have a nice cup of tea. Ooh, and maybe a digestive.Father Brown wanders out of the projector room, leaving the stricken door hanging off its mostly busted hinges.
Father Orange rushes back to the rectory to find whatever musical instrument he can before returning to the cinema!
...Whilst
Father Brown is engaged in highly illegal – although entirely justified – industrial sabotage,
Father Orange is taking a more creative view of the problem. He rushes back to his rectory, realising that a banjolin is exactly what the situation calls for!
Do whatever Father Orange does, but happier.
...”And just what the feckin' feck do you feckin' well think you're feckin' well doing in MY feckin' rectory, you great big feckin' gobshite?!” shouts
Father Orange.
“And just what the feckin' feck is so feckin' amusing about my feckin' banjolin! Get your feckin' gobshite mitts off it, you great grinning moron! Go on! Feck off!”“You feck off!”“No you feck off!”“You feck off!”“You feck off first!”“Ooh, you great big turd!”“No you're a turd!”“No you're a turd!”“And you're a great big feckin' arse biscuit! Let go of Chantel! She's MINE!”Suddenly a joyful tug of war centring around Father Orange's banjolin breaks out! Not a single priest present wishes to back down!
Back at the cinema, the industrious
Father Brown is engaging in friendly small talk with the local parishioners.
No priests are naked! A considerable crowd has shown up to watch the film! The film has successfully been sabotaged!Film Factor: 2.25
Queuers: 39
Viewers: 13
The Village of Creggenbaun...
Anyway, I begin performing Mass on top of a convenient stack of crates about the horrors of Porn and the Joys of a Good Thriller or Action Movie, preferably with Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sylvester Stallone in it.
...”In nomine Patris, et filii…” begins
Father Purple, climbing to the top of a twenty foot tall stack of nearby crates.
“Now, my children. You know what the good Lord said about these forrin films, I’m sure. They’re filth! Pure filth! If you watch them you’ll go to HELL! No sirs, what you need is a good proper IRISH fillim! Something with Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sylvester Stallone in it! A good Christian fillim! Not this fillim! Another fillim! This fillim's feckin’ filth! A saint’s feckin’ nipple and everything!”An interested murmur ripples through the crowd.
“Oh right then. And, erm, Gràtia Dòmini nostri Jesu Christi and stuff! Yea!”Using his knowledge that all of the disease auxiliary department are partially-sighted, Father Cyan will escort those lovely fellows in hazard suits to those queuing, then tell them that this is the queue for those who have THE DISEASE. Then advise them to take the queues in to quarantine.
...”THE DISEASE!” comes a muffled voice from somewhere near the metal sheet by the cinema entrance.
“The disease is RIFE amongst yon queuers! Take them to quarantine!”“Oh right then. I suppose a few of them do look a bit ill. Come on, Mr Dilley! Let’s round up some of these feckers!”“Awww… what about the saint’s feckin’ nipple?”“Don’t you worry, Mr Dilley! We’ll come back this evening to… er... to make sure the disease is fully under control!”As the biohazard suited Disease Extermination Auxiliary Department team start rounding up some of the sicker looking locals queuing to watch the film,
Father Blue comes over to help
Father Cyan.
Father Blue will drag Father Cyan out from under the sign and faith-heal 'im! ...With a punch right in the face.
Aiming his airborne, punch-propelled body for the line of queueing cinemagoers if possible. The priesthood goes by very much a 'last-touched' rule, so any Shame points for the Unpriestly act of becoming a feckin' human wrecking ball shall be accrued to him.
Then it's time to go and loudly berate those in the queue for coming to see such vulgar entertainment. Be sure to let the bastards know just how ashamed they should be of 'emselves. TALK VERY LOUDLY.
..."Hang in there, Father Cyan! I'll 'ave you right as feckin' rain in just a tick!" says
Father Blue, rushing out to the rescue. He pauses to flick a piece of partially digested carrot from a crease in his cassock.
“Right then, you big gobshite. Hold on tight!”Father Blue bends down to grab hold of
Father Cyan’s outstretched hand. He pulls as hard as he can!
“Oh feck. You’re really feckin’ stuck there, Father Cyan!”“Mgngn! Pull harder, you feckin’ eejit!”“Ooh. You feckin’ great gobshite! Don’t you call me a feckin’ eejit, you big hairy bollock! I’ll teach you, you-“In his righteous anger Father Blue pulls too hard!
“Oh feck.”Everything happens in a flash.
Father Blue pulls so hard he yanks Father Cyan right out, sending him flying at a tremendous speed over his shoulder at the same time as sending Father Blue flying forwards to the ground, smacking his forehead off the edge of the sheet of metal. He gets to his feet with blood pouring from his face.
Father Cyan flies violently towards the stack of crates serving as
Father Purple’s altar, sending them tumbling to the ground, showering the waiting villagers with wooden crates, planks, and two foot long splinters of rotting wood. One of the villagers, pierced by a plank, falls to the floor, bleeding profusely as her neighbour begins to scream.
“Mrs O’Gerberty! Mrs O’Gerberty! Oh shite! She’s feckin’ well dead! You great big feckin’ eejit!”Father Purple crashes to the ground twenty feet below, landing on one of the few surviving crates, bouncing off and breaking his arm on the pavement beneath him.
Just then Father Cyan picks himself up from the wreckage of the crates and walks over to Father Blue. He walks with a very noticeable limp.
“You great big feckin’ eejit. You feckin’ gobshite. You rancid shitey arsebiscuit.”Father Cyan punches Father Blue right in the face!
Just then Mrs O’Gerberty’s neighbour punches Father Cyan right in the face!
“Murderer!”A decent crowd has shown up to watch the film! Some have been led away by part of the Disease Extermination Auxiliary Department! One queuer has been slain in a fatal crate-based accident!Film Factor: 1
Queuers: 25
Viewers: 11
Next turn the locals will start paying to watch the afternoon showing!
And this turn: The Turn Four Priest Operative Point (POP) Leaderboard!
Father Blue -1
Father Brown -1
Father Cyan -1
Father Green -1
Father Pink -1
Father Purple -1
Father Orange -2
Father Veridian -2
Father Red -3
Remember: TWELVE POPs each to the winning team!
Also next turn only! Special Bonus POP Opportunity! One extra POP (up to three) for every person called a gobshite! One extra POP for five additional uses of the word gobshite!
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Topic: Roll to Priest: The End. (Read 69111 times)