THE ASSAULT ON THE DINONEST: TURN SIX!
Fire a salvo of HE grenades at the Mexicans to even the vote count up a bit! Start moving in the direction of Texas if necessary.
Is this a longing for Texas rising in
Crockett’s loins? Or is he just pleased to see Evil Lincol-
Hell no! It’s a longing for Texas! A loathing of these Washingtonian Shenanigans!
The bile rises in Davy Crockett’s throat, seeping up and moistening the bandages protecting everyone from the horrible sight within.
"You dirty rotten...”The pain, the gnawing doubt, the fear, loathing, disgust at the democratic process gone wrong... so wrong... ugh. It’s worse than his own repugnant face.
He feels the urge to shuffle Texasward growing deep within him; even Boone feels restless, looks up, sees the pain in Davy’s eyes,
let’s out an unexpected groan of compassion.
Davy Crockett looks from Evil Lincoln to the Mexicans to his companions. His soul is comforted by the many freedom-loving hands he sees shoot into the air in his support. Democracy may be subverted, but its spirit will never die! Davy is suddenly reminded of Bowie’s softly whispered words back in the bowiepod.
”Dude,” said Bowie.
”This is some pretty strong stuff, man... Whoa...”Hmm... Maybe that's not entirely pertinent, thinks Davy.
Maybe... CRIKEY! I HAVE IT, BY JOVE! I HAVE IT!He stares deep into Evil Lincoln’s eyes.
He quietly cocks back his automatic turret cannon.
"Mr. Lincoln...” he says, calm as you like.
"It is time you learned...”He raises his gun-arm towards the Mexicans.
"GERRYMANDERING!"There’s a hollow click.
"Oh, bugger."Multiply this*2, Also, Archi one fixes up any wounded*, while Archi 2 does a Laser assisted charge. On his horse.**
The awkward silence is broken by some incomprehensible chanting as
Archimedes and
Archimedes step forward, seeming to tai-chi shadow box with the air in front of them.
…Absolutely nothing happens until one of the Archimedes thrusts his finger into the air.
”Eureka! AHA!”A bolt of maths shoots from his erect finger, flying towards the ceiling before bouncing down and exploding in a burst all over the
…band of Mexicans.
”ARCHIMEDES! BLOODY HELL!””Bother. Sorry. I’ll erm…””No, you just stay here and I’ll- Oh, bother. ARCHIMEDES! COME BACK!”Archimedes lifts up his dress, bares his crotch, and spurs his horse, charging into the horde of Mexicans!
Concentrating the enormous power of the sun via his groin-warmed leg-mounted mirror-laser array, he
…sends a burst of pure fire directly at his political opponents!
They explode into a ball of flame!
…Six of the Mexicans fling themselves out of the way, but four are sizzled to a crisp!
Archimedes charges on, into the ball of flame, before
…leaping off his horse into the centre of the inferno!
He lands with a sickening crunch and immediately his dress catches on fire!
Bother!
Wound Acquired: Archimedes of Syracuse:
Broken Leg!Flames Acquired: Archimedes of Syracuse:
Burning Dress!Archimedes rushes forwards to heal Archimedes, but
…the flames are too great, and he can’t get to him!
At least the horse is ok!
Cough a furball in the opposite direction of where I was thrown! It will surely not miss Evil Lincoln!
A short distance away,
Schrödinger’s Cat is confused. Where is it? Why is Evil Lincoln? And when are they? He peers over the top of his spectacles to cast a little light on the situation, and suddenly he chokes!
He doubles up in a fit of relentless furball throat-tickling, and then spews out a miniature black hole of horrible furry vortexness!
It spurts through the semi-dark, and all of a sudden Evil Lincoln’s guts disappear!
Blood pours forth!
Wound Acquired: Evil Lincoln:
Black Holed Guts!Paul McCartney, hopping off the croc ball, saw the terrifying faux-democratic showdown playing out between Crockett and Evil Lincoln…
Riding up on the crocball,
Paul McCartney hops off to see a flaming
Archimedes illuminating a terrifying faux-democratic showdown between
Davy Crockett, edging slowly towards Texas whilst looking quizzically into his arm-gun, and a literally gutless Evil Lincoln.
"NAY! Bugger to you, sir! I the witness find Crockett not guilty!"Paul McCartney raises his hand toward the sky - the ceiling - pointing a dramatic finger.
"But! As retribution for false and slanderous democratisations, I sentence you to a punishment of-"Suddenly the half dozen Mexicans who avoided the terrible flames gasp!
"-ONE THOUSAND WARTY SWAMP FROGS!"As McCartney jabs his finger into the air, nigh on
…four or five soggy wet frogs materialise, and drop from the ceiling above!
They fall on Evil Lincoln!
One touches his face a bit!
”Ewwwww!”Wrestle the arms of every single crocodile in the croco-doom-ball upwards in a vote of 'Nay'.
"Crikey..!" also gasps
Steve Irwin, stepping off his ride.
"Well I’ll be damned! You know what? Well... Crocs have hands too... kinda, mate! And… feelings?"Without hesitation, Stevo throws himself back onto his ball of crocs, mate, and totally starts wrestling their arms upwards into a startling show of democratic resistance!
...But they fight back! They’re feisty little buggers! And pretty much staunchly pro-Nazi, mate!
”HOHOHOHO!” bellows Evil Lincoln.
”You can’t beat me, Evil Lincoln, with frogs and crocodiles and burning dressmen! NO! You can’t- OI! CROCKETT! PAY ATTENTION! I'M TRYING TO DO SOME EVIL GLOATING!”Davy Crockett is still staring into his arm-gun, quizzically, and bemoaning his lack of hands with which to fix it or, indeed, to vote.
Suddenly he fixes his gun!
…He totally fixes it in his face!
And now his face is broken!
…Or, you know, brokener?
Wound Acquired: Davy Crokett:
Broken Face!As the blood pours from his precious… face-area, Davy Crockett edges slowly Texasward, to the left of the map and away from his companions.
”HOHOHOHOHO!” continues Evil Lincoln.
”You have lost, Crockett! You can’t beat me with guns, or rhetoric,” he says,
…bending down to pick up one of the frogs that has just bounced off his face.
”Or fro-aarrrggggg!”The frog bites off Evil Lincoln’s arm!
”YOU BASTARD!” cries Evil Lincoln, flinging the frog towards the far wall in anger and disgust.
”MY ARM! OH SHIT, MY ARM!” he adds, realising his arm is still in the frog’s jaw.
”MEXICANS,” he commands,
”ATTACKKKKKKKKKK!”One-Armed Evil Lincoln and the Six Mexicans advance!
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:Mexicans have a +1 maths melee attack bonus.
Player: Talarion
Name: Steve Irwin, Level Five Legendary Crocodile Hunter
Status: Covered in sick. -1 to arms.
Inventory: Khaki Coloured Sequinned Shorts, Mate!,
Bionic Right Ear.
Wounds: [HP: 100/100] |
Severed Arm!Skills: Croc Wrestler,
Flying Emu Crocodile Takedown Move,
Croc-rider,
Loads’a blood, mate! Acrocalypse Now,
Oh Shit Is That... Player: freeformschooler
Name: Paul McCartney, Level Five Legendary Beatle
Status: -1 to athletic movement. +1 to impressing the ladies. Facially covered in sick.
Inventory: 100% Sequin Acoustic Guitar,
Speedoguts! Clayboard,
KEYBOARD LEG.
Wounds: [HP:75/75] |
Titanium Guts! |
Right Leg Pimp Limp!Skills: The Power of Gentle Loving,
That's a Catchy Tun-arrgh!,
Frog Chorus,
Reverse Polarisation,
It’s Getting Better All The Time,
Bring out the Band!,
I'm Not a Fighter, Man! Player: Toaster
Name: Davy Crockett, Level Five Terror Knight of Lumithos
Status: Alternatively Armed. -2 to arms. Covered in sick. Must travel towards Texas for 4 turns or face a -2 Democracy Penalty.
Inventory: Bowie Knife,
Boone,
Facial Protection Catmask,
Miaowskin-facehat, severed arm (in face), severed left arm (in face), severed right arm (in face), severed left (?) leg (in face), severed face (on face, but the wrong way round),
Triplearmlegupsidedownfaceface! Fully Automatic Shoulder Mounted Tank Turret,
The White Speedo of Lumithos,
Rocket Mono-Segway.
Wounds: [HP:55/75] |
Severed Left Arm! |
Severed Right Arm! |
Broken Face!Skills: Crack Shot,
Ohio Leap,
MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT,
Multikilll!,
Butter His Head,
You May All Go to Hell... Player: 10ebbor10
Name: Archimedes of Syracuse, Level Five Legendary Philosopher
Status: Covered in sick.
Inventory: A Remarkably Good Approximation of Pi, PPSh-41 Submachine Gun, two clips,
Chinese first aid kit,
M60 Machine Gun,
Medical Water Elemental Left Arm.
Wounds: [HP:75/75]Skills: Archimedes Squared! Multiply This! Literal Mathemagics,
Archimedes Heat Ray,
Hippocratic Oath,
Absent Minded! Player: 10ebbor10
Name: Archimedes of Syracuse, Level Five Legendary Philosopher
Status: Covered in sick.
Burning Dress!, -1 to legs and dodging.
Inventory: A Remarkably Good Approximation of Pi, PPSh-41 Submachine Gun, two clips,
Chinese first aid kit,
M60 Machine Gun,
Medical Water Elemental Left Arm.
Wounds: [HP:65/75] |
Broken Leg!Skills: Archimedes Squared! Multiply This! Literal Mathemagics,
Archimedes Heat Ray,
Hippocratic Oath,
Absent Minded! Player: Tiruin
Name: Erwin Schrödinger’s Cat, Level Five Quantum Caticist
Status: Covered in sick.
Inventory: Quantum Mechanics, Vol. I, Spectacles.
Wounds: [HP:10/10]Skills: NineEight Lives,
Quantum Cat,
Master of Uncertainty,
Quantum Fur Balls,
Cat Reflexes,
Cat Sized,
Sickly One-Armed Evil Lincoln – Severe Bleeding, Heavy Bleeding, Severed Arm, “Severed” Guts.
Author
Topic: The Magnificent Timelord - Epilogued (Read 249144 times)