THE ASSAULT ON THE DINONEST: TURN EIGHT!
In a London far, far away...McCartney runs.
He runs down the dark alley, the rain pouring down his sleek black and white mullet like a gutter made of pure 60s, every fleeing step taking him further – further from his soulbrothers... further from his comrades in rock and roll... further from Starr, from Harrison, from Lennon.
Although their last words burn in his ears, he doesn't look back. Loving yet fully combat trained hippies, that's what his last memory of his bros is going to be, not the gruesome mindwrenching horror of three brave handsome young men ripped limb from limb by ROBOT NAZI TROOPERS in a miserable London back alley.
No.
And if he turns back and lets them catch him, well, shit. He'd be dishonouring their sacrifice. And he'd be breaking his pledge! He's sworn on their lives.
”Save the fecking music, man!” yelled Lennon,
”Arrrrrggg!””I will dudes! I will! I swear-ARGGGGGGGGGGH! STEVE IRWIN! What the shit are you doing here, bro?! Are you even born yet?”Suddenly
Stevo totally destroys Paul McCartney's nostalgic dreamtrip, and totally barges right past, smashing headfirst through the steel door marked in a strange DinoNazish symbol that seems to suggest...
”OH SHIT! ROBOT NAZI TROOPERS, COMRADES! FORM UP ON ME DUDES! THE BEATLES WILL HAVE THEIR FINAL REVENGE!”As Paul mounts onto the nearby stage and the lights flood down, the three bowienauts and bowiecat catch a horrible glimpse – a horrible glimpse of Steve Irwin, surrounded in the next room by a dozen frothing ROBOT NAZI TROOPERS!
"Dudes,” interrupts
Davy Crockett in a steadily trotting circular motion,
”My face! My face! Hold them off while I fix this hideous bleeding!"”Miaoww?”"By... er... I dunno, distract them, Schro-cat!””Miaowwwww...”"Yeah! Let's do this! Wait, the bleeding...”Ahead through the headcrushed steel door, Stevo stops a second in the swirling NAZI ROBOT TROOPER MELEE, turning back to wonder if he has just seen what he thinks he's just seen.
He has!
”Aw man, what the hell boet? Like... ewww...”The bowienauts watch in horrified silence as Davy Crockett rubs himself all over with severed Mexican limbs whilst being carried in circles in the mouth of Archimedes' faithful steed!
...It does nothing for the bleeding!
"Blast... I feel... like I'm bleeding or something... Arg... Perhaps...””Er...” continues the relentless McCartney.
"Let me tell you how it'll be, comrades!"He swirls his guitar dramatically in the air, temporarily blinding
Archimedes Two, who thereby suddenly remembers he's on fire!
...Archimedes Two entirely fails to do anything with his newly remembered knowledge!
”There's one of you and four of me
'Cos I'm a bad man, yeah, with a bad plan
Should my sequins appear too small
Be thankful you ain't seem them all
'Cos I'm a bad man, yeah, with a bad plan””Broer! You're on fire dude!” realises
Archimedes One.
”Catch this!”Archimedes One sprays Archimedes Two with water from his elemental medical arm!
It totally works!
Just then a ROBOT NAZI TROOPER storms through the doorway, diving headfirst through the air towards Paul, aiming a ROBOT NAZI HEADBUTT right in his face!
...But the ROBOT NAZI TROOPER bounces off one of the many sequins! He tumbles to the floor in a daze!
”Try to headbutt me and I'll beat your head!
Take on Steve and you'll soon be dead!
Davy Crockett'll fill you full of lead!
The Archies'll make you wish you'd fled!
Bad men!
We're pretty bad men! Yeah, yeah, yeah, bad men!”In the vanguard room of ROBOT NAZI TROOPER DEATH, Steve Irwin is surrounded! There's a ROBOT NAZI TROOPER to the left of him! There's a ROBOT NAZI TROOPER to the right of him! THERE'S ROBOT NAZI TROOPERS LITERALLY ON EVERY SIDE – because he's surrounded! He just opened that door TOO HARD, MAN!
He spits in the dust like John Wayne.
”Shit, bra,” he mutters.
”You'se all gonna see some Aussie Wrestling, ROBOT NAZI mates!”But just as he finishes, ROBOT NAZI TROOPER ONE jerks forward in a ROBOTY NAZIY kind of movement, and busts out a ROBOT NAZI UPPERCUT towards Stevo's chin!
”Yeah! Like this!”...The ROBOT NAZI ATTACK is so clumsy that Stevo sidesteps, flicks the ROBOT NAZI into the air with a masterful Australian wrestling trick, catches the fiend by his toes in mid-fall, and snaps his ROBOT NAZI SPINE across his outbent knee!
”That's what I'm talking about, ROBOT SCUM! Crikey mate!””If you swing too high, we'll smash your knees
If you try to run, we've faster feet
If it gets too cold, we'll bring the heat
If you rig the odds, that's fine, we'll cheat
Bad men!
'Cos we're the bad men, yeah we're the bad men!”In the dust and chaos of violent ROBOT NAZI COMBAT a second ROBOT NAZI steps forward to Steve Irwin, lithely leaping out to kick him right in the balls!
...But the ROBOT NAZI TROOPER is an incompetently programmed fool, stumbling right through where Stevo stood just a millisecond before and crashing into the ROBOT NAZI behind the Pro-Australian, preventing him from unleashing a vicious ROBOT NAZI KARATE CHOP!
There's only one foe left in position to strike at Stevo – and suddenly Schrödinger’s cat rushes forward, hoping to er... the um... distract the ah...
The fourth TROOPER punches Stevo right in the jaw,
...miraculously causing no damage at all!
”Yeah!” vents Stevo.
”Feel the power of my Australian skin, mates! Crikey!””Come and ask what ol' Ringo's for,
He'll smash your brains out onto the floor,
'Cos he's a bad man, yeah, yeah, yeah, a bad man...
Now my advice if you don't want to die,
Beware the death rays in Lennon's eye,
'Cos he's a bad man, yeah, yeah, yeah, a bad man...
What about poor George you say?
Well he'll shoot you down if you run away,
'Cos he's a bad man, yeah, yeah, yeah, a bad man...”Suddenly the sky splits dramatically apart, but the bowienauts don't see it, because they're underground!
Then, from the very thin air itself, three iridescent forms materialise on the stage around McCartney.
They're being beamed in from another reality on waves of nanosequins!
McCartney plays on, ripping into the famous solo!
”And on drums...” he shouts into the mic,
”Level Five Beatle Barbarian, RINGO STARRRRRR!”He twangles away on his musical sequinstrument.
”And on the left side guitar,” he stoops once again to announce,
”Level Five Beatle Deathmage, JO-HNNN LENNONNNN!!”McCartney doesn't stop playing, surveying the futile attempts of the ROBOT NAZIS to wreak havoc as he builds to a hard pop climax.
”And joining me on the right side guitar,” he triumphantly wails,
”Level Five Beatle Guitar Slinger, GEORGE HARRISONNNNNNN!!”The stage erupts in a frenzy of guitar as Ringo steps momentarily away from his drum set to stab the fallen NAZI TROOPER right through the skull with his drumsticks!
”Booyah!”Suddenly Archimedes' horse quite spoils the moment by panicking at the sound of the raucous guitar music and stampeding off towards the doorway, crushing Schrödinger's Cat to death under his hooves of fury!
Death Acquired: Schrödinger's Cat:
Crushed to Death!This is not a good use of a spoiler.
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:Paul: +3 Beatle Bonus
Player: Talarion
Name: Steve Irwin, Level Five Legendary Crocodile Hunter
Status: Covered in sick. -1 to arms.
Inventory: Khaki Coloured Sequinned Shorts, Mate!,
Bionic Right Ear.
Wounds: [HP: 100/100] |
Severed Arm!Skills: Croc Wrestler,
Flying Emu Crocodile Takedown Move,
Croc-rider,
Loads’a blood, mate! Acrocalypse Now,
Oh Shit Is That... Player: freeformschooler
Name: Paul McCartney, Level Five Legendary Beatle
Status: -1 to athletic movement. +1 to impressing the ladies. Facially covered in sick.
Inventory: 100% Sequin Acoustic Guitar,
Speedoguts! Clayboard,
KEYBOARD LEG.
Wounds: [HP:75/75] |
Titanium Guts! |
Right Leg Pimp Limp!Skills: The Power of Gentle Loving,
That's a Catchy Tun-arrgh!,
Frog Chorus,
Reverse Polarisation,
It’s Getting Better All The Time,
Bring out the Band!,
I'm Not a Fighter, Man! Player: Toaster
Name: Davy Crockett, Level Five Terror Knight of Lumithos
Status: Alternatively Armed. -2 to arms. Covered in sick. Must travel towards Texas for 3 turns or face a -2 Democracy Penalty.
Inventory: Bowie Knife,
Boone,
Facial Protection Catmask,
Miaowskin-facehat, severed arm (in face), severed left arm (in face), severed right arm (in face), severed left (?) leg (in face), severed face (on face, but the wrong way round),
Triplearmlegupsidedownfaceface! Fully Automatic Shoulder Mounted Tank Turret,
The White Speedo of Lumithos,
Rocket Mono-Segway.
Wounds: [HP:15/75] |
Severed Left Arm! |
Severed Right Arm! |
Broken Face!Skills: Crack Shot,
Ohio Leap,
MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT,
Multikilll!,
Butter His Head,
You May All Go to Hell... Player: 10ebbor10
Name: Archimedes of Syracuse, Level Five Legendary Philosopher
Status: Covered in sick.
Inventory: A Remarkably Good Approximation of Pi, PPSh-41 Submachine Gun, two clips,
Chinese first aid kit,
M60 Machine Gun,
Medical Water Elemental Left Arm.
Wounds: [HP:75/75]Skills: Archimedes Squared! Multiply This! Literal Mathemagics,
Archimedes Heat Ray,
Hippocratic Oath,
Absent Minded! Player: 10ebbor10
Name: Archimedes of Syracuse, Level Five Legendary Philosopher
Status: -1 to legs and dodging.
Inventory: A Remarkably Good Approximation of Pi, PPSh-41 Submachine Gun, two clips,
Chinese first aid kit,
M60 Machine Gun,
Medical Water Elemental Left Arm.
Wounds: [HP:45/75] |
Broken Leg!Skills: Archimedes Squared! Multiply This! Literal Mathemagics,
Archimedes Heat Ray,
Hippocratic Oath,
Absent Minded! Player: Tiruin
Name: Erwin Schrödinger’s Cat, Level Five Quantum Caticist
Status: Covered in sick.
Inventory: Quantum Mechanics, Vol. I, Spectacles.
Wounds: [HP:10/10]Skills: Nine EightSevenSix Lives,
Quantum Cat,
Master of Uncertainty,
Quantum Fur Balls,
Cat Reflexes,
Cat Sized,
Sickly RINGO STARR ACTIVATED: Wounds: [HP: 100/100]
JOHN LENNON ACTIVATED: Wounds: [HP: 100/100]
GEORGE HARRISON ACTIVATED: Wounds: [HP: 100/100]
I haven't done full Level Five character sheets for the other Beatles – I thought their powers would be fairly self explanatory given their class titles or something.
ROBOT NAZI TROOPER ONE: DEAD
ROBOT NAZI TROOPER TWO: DEAD
ROBOT NAZI TROOPER THREE:
ROBOT NAZI TROOPER FOUR:
ROBOT NAZI TROOPER FIVE:
ROBOT NAZI TROOPER SIX:
ROBOT NAZI TROOPER SEVEN:
ROBOT NAZI TROOPER EIGHT:
ROBOT NAZI TROOPER NINE:
ROBOT NAZI TROOPER TEN:
ROBOT NAZI TROOPER ELEVEN:
ROBOT NAZI TROOPER TWELVE:
Er, sorry for the quoteless format (it's not a permanent change) and sorry for the rolls I've surely missed out. It was a messy edit down. I can re-insert the quotes into this turn if it'd help? Could probably do with being split up a bit...
Also, I assumed the flames would have burned off Archimedes' vomit.
Author
Topic: The Magnificent Timelord - Epilogued (Read 249084 times)