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[monk12]

There is a certain amount of precision involved in dealing nonlethal damage.

Meta: Allow me to translate. "Avast, ye filthy swab, be explain'n yerself before I be runnin ye up the mizzenmast!"

Fantasy: Using my amazing pirate flexibility, wriggle free of my bonds.


Yar harharharhar

[Dermonster]

I would like to remind everyone that this is nominated in the hall of legends, and you should vote for it.

You're not doing anything right now, as evidenced by you reading this, so go on over.

[monk12]

I would like to remind everyone that this is nominated in the hall of legends, and you should vote for it.

You're not doing anything right now, as evidenced by you reading this, so go on over.

Where is this hall of legends of which you speak? Is it anywhere near the shrine of the silver monkey?

[Dermonster]

This Hall of Legends.

[Gatleos]

MAN, this turn took forever to write. YOU BETTER BE GRATEFUL

**********~
Turn 52
**********~

META TURN:
First boss clear.

Goals
Find the keycard stations.

Current Soundtrack
Elevator Room

The doors to the executive lounge spring open, and a round pad in front of the pedestal starts glowing blue!
EXCELLENT WORK, GROUP 364. THE LOCATIONS OF SEVERAL KEYCARD STATIONS HAVE BEEN REVEALED IN YOUR CRANIAL IMPLANTS. APPROACH THE TELEPORTER ROOM COMMUNICATION SCREEN TO VIEW THEM. GREEN MARKERS INDICATE COLLECTED KEYCARDS, RED INDICATES UNCOLLECTED.

Actions

RW: Grab the keycard, fix up and improve MC with parts from the giant snakes lower half.

MC: Go into Hibernate mode.

(...) Taking the pieces of Xenocalamus, you repair and improve Marshall. You give him Xenocalamus's bionic eye and repair his legs, then find the snake's AI chip and install a more advanced AI system in MC!
MC: "Marshall Coburn MkII Combat Droid operational and at your command."

Meta: Ask the robot if there is any Bionic legs in the areas.

(...)
Med-Bot: "ACCESS TO CRYOGENICS AND PROSTHETICS LAB REQUIRES PINK-LEVEL ACCESS. BLUE-LEVEL ACCESS DETECTED."
Kyle: "Really? Nothing?"
Med-Bot: "YOU MAY HAVE THIS COMPLEMENTARY WHEELED TRANSPORTATION DEVICE."
The medi-bot produces some kind of metal rod. It pushes a button, and the rod promptly folds out into a wheelchair.

Meta: Tie the entire shirt around my torso to stop my arm from bleeding.

(...) You are now wearing a fancy shirt. Wait, you wanted to stop the bleeding? The bleeding intensifies!

Meta: Search around for the next keycard station.

(...) You step out into the teleporter room and look at the screen on the pedestal.

Meta: Allow me to translate. "Avast, ye filthy swab, be explain'n yerself before I be runnin ye up the mizzenmast!"

(...)
Monk: "Avast, ye filthy swab, be explain'n yerself before I be runnin ye up the mizzenmast!"
Ghost Pirate: "Well, there's no reason to be talking like that, old chap."

Meta: Stretch my legs.

(...) You stretch your legs. Much better! Body-snatching is fun.

Status
Player: dermonster
Name: Derek L.
Occupation: Video game Developer/designer.
Currently: Upgrading Marshall.
Inventory: Explosive Collar | Jumpsuit | Splint | Bottle of Painkillers | Metal Bar | Marshall Coburn (commanding)
Wounds: None
Abilities: Code Expert | Neckbeard | NERD RAEG (...)
Player: Frelock
Name: Frederick Stephonavich
Occupation: Actuary (Knowing probabilities of things)
Currently: Looking at the ship map.
Inventory: Explosive Collar | Jumpsuit
Wounds: None
Abilities: Uncanny Prediction | Actuary's Lament | Tweak the Odds
Player: monk12
Name: Monk
Occupation: Troper
Description: Characteristically wears nice hats. Top hats, pirate hats, fedoras, you name it. Hopefully still has one in his possession.
Currently: Acting strangely.
Inventory: Moist Top Hat | Explosive Collar | Jumpsuit | Frag Grenade x3 | Plasma Rifle
Wounds: Light Bleeding x2
Abilities: Applied Phlebotinum | TV Tropes Will Ruin Your Life | MacGyvering | Telekinesis
Player: HighEndNoob
Name: Kyle Hammers
Occupation: Janitor
Currently: Uggghhhh...
Inventory: Explosive Collar | Jumpsuit | Mop | Rubber Gloves | Medkit
Wounds: Missing Legs | Heavy Burns | Heavy Bleeding | Very Heavy Bleeding x2
Abilities: That's The Power of Pinesol, Bitch! | Clean Freak | Custodial Might | EMT
Player: _DivideByZero_
Name: John Freeman
Occupation: Drill Sergeant
Currently: Shooting blood all over the place.
Inventory: Explosive Collar | Jumpsuit | Unicorn Band-aids | Fancy Shirt
Wounds: Missing Arm | Very Heavy Bleeding | Broken Nose
Abilities: Major Payne | Fullmetal Jacket | Apocalypse Now
Name: Marshall Coburn MkII Combat Droid
Description: A giant mechanical spider made of smaller mechanical spider parts. It was fitted with an advanced AI routine and can now talk. It also has a self-powered eye-laser taken from the remains of Xenocalamus.
Inventory: None
Wounds: None
Abilities: Eye Laser

Locations
The S.S. Periclase
Main Deck
Maintenance Deck 3, Main Elevator
EARTH!
Elevator Controls
Interrogation Room 7E-365 (Deck M3): You were all shackled to chairs in here when you woke up. The door has been dropkicked off its hinges. There's circuitry on the walls, a row of monitors, and a row of 5 chairs.

Spoiler: INITIATING RTD ROUTINE (click to show/hide)

FANTASY TURN:

The Jungle of Piercing calls to you...

Goals
"KIDNAP THE MAYOR OF THIS TOWN AND ESCAPE" Complete!
Throw Ogomspoxom into the fires of Mt. Helmath!

Current Soundtrack
West Coast DK Island

Actions

FW: Ride the Giant Cat into the forest! Head for HighEndNoob and Divide/Urist.

(...) You hug the kitty. What were you doing again? Suddenly, the giant rat starts running back toward you!

Fantasy: URISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSST!!!!!! Beat Urist with my Musket until he heals my ear.

(...) You smack at Urist with the musket for a while.

Fantasy: Try to detach HEN from my back, then steal someone's shirt to wrap HEN's face in.

(...)
Urist: "HHHRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHH!!!"
You swing your axe blade and cleanly slice HEN and yourself apart! You didn't even cause any bleeding! Weird. You punch out a random bystander and steal his shirt, then (...) expertly apply the shirt to HEN's face like a bandage, stopping the bleeding. You even cut eye holes.

Fantasy: Once I get to the forest retreat, haggle for our friend's release.

(...) Elica leads you through a winding path deep in the jungle. Along the way, you tear off a few pieces of your robe and hang them on tree branches to mark the way back. Eventually, the path widens and you arrive in a large clearing. Five monstrous redwood trees, rising above even the tallest canopy, tower above you. There are dozens of rope bridges and winding pathways forming bridges between the trees, and lanterns are being lit overhead to prepare for the coming sunset.
Elica: "This is it. The retreat."
You and Elica approach the entrance to the closest tree, only to be blocked by four wooden spear-wielding guards.
Guard 1: "What is your business here, human?"
Frelock: "I have come here to negotiate a hostage's release."
Guard 2: "Hostage? We don't-"
You stare into the guards' eyes.
Guards: "Right this way."
The guards lead you inside the massive, hollowed-out tree trunk, but you are immediately stopped by a tougher-looking group of Elven warriors.
Tough-Lookin' Elf: "What do you think you're doing? Where did this human come from?!"
Guard 3: "We are taking him to the queen. He requests the release of the sacrifices."
Tough-Lookin' Elf: "We don't negotiate with the human scum from the coast! What has gotten into you, Lifi?"
Lifi: "Get out of the way or we will have to use force!"
Tough-Lookin' Elf: "What are you talking about?!"
The first guard (whose name is apparently Lifi) thrusts his spear into the tough-lookin' Elf's arm, and a brawl between the guards and warriors begins!

Fantasy: Using my amazing pirate flexibility, wriggle free of my bonds.

(...) Apparently pirates aren't that flexible. Suddenly, an Elf steps into the room!

Elf: "Want to hear something disturbing?"
Edgar: "No. <Turns Away>"
Elf: "Want to hear something disturbing?"
Edgar: "No. <Turns Away>"
Elf: "Want to hear something disturbing?"
Edgar: "What?!"
Elf: "Every year, the Human and Dwarven logging industries slaughter millions of defenseless trees, all in the name of industry!"
Edgar: "...Huh?"
Elf: "YOU'RE MINE BITCH"



Status
Player: dermonster
Name: Derm Hell-binder
Occupation: Elemental Mage/Summoner.
Currently: KITTY
Inventory: Robes | Spiffy Hat | Left Upper Canine Tooth | Keyring | George (commanding) | Giant Cat (commanding) | Sword | Armor
Wounds: Missing Tooth | Black Eye
Abilities: Gift of the Magi (...) | Squishy Wizard | Summoner (...) | Water Blast | Superheat | Tectonic Shift
Player: Frelock
Name: Frelock Von-Heisenberg
Occupation: Luck-o-mancer (Manipulating probabilities of things)
Currently: Causing riots.
Inventory: Gold Coin | Peasant Robes | Golden Pocket Watch | Map of Westport | Long Sword | Armor | Spring Shoes | Elica Larifera (commanding)
Wounds: None
Abilities: Smooth Criminal | Accident Waiting to Happen | Befuddlement | Legsplosion
Player: monk12
Name: Edgar
Occupation: Sky Pirate
Currently: Being inducted into the Elven Crime Squad.
Inventory: Sleeveless Long Coat | Grappling Hook | Harpoon Gun
Wounds: Right Forearm Missing
Abilities: Booze Power | Terraphobia | Side-quest Radar
Player: HighEndNoob
Name: HighEndNoob
Occupation: Ninja Sniper
Currently: Sitting in town, healing.
Inventory: Robe | Throwing Star x1 | Throwing Dagger x18 | Musket | Musket Ammo x34 | Sword | Tattered Shirt
Wounds: Missing Tooth | Broken Leg | Heavy Bleeding x2
Abilities: Immaculate Aim | Clumsy Fighter | 'Splode On Impact
Player: _DivideByZero_
Name: Urist Anvilsmasher
Occupation: Administrator
Description
Currently: Fixing up HEN.
Inventory: Cave Spider Silk Robe | Cave Spider Silk Shoes x2 | Bar of Kitten Tallow Soap | Battle Axe | Swordfish Arm
Wounds: None
Abilities: Dabbling Surgeon (...) | Meager Social Ability | Martial Trance
Name: George
Description: A 1.5-foot-tall rat with a scorpion stinger, gills and fins! He takes orders from Derm.
Inventory: None
Wounds: None
Abilities: Amphibious

Locations
Hellfire Cove
The Borealis
Condition:
Sunk
Westport
Mayor's Ogomspoxom's Former Manor
Forest Retreat

[_DivideByZero_]

Meta: Remove shirt, tie it around my arm again.
Fantasy: FINALLY. Charge into battle.

[HighEndNoob]

Meta: Accept the Wheelchair-thing, and try to find John to heal him
Fantasy: Before Urist leaves, ask him for my Gunpowder.

[monk12]

Nooooo, so much fail!

Meta: "Eh wot? What manner of ghost pirate hangs out on a spaceship and speaks the Queen's English?"

Fantasy: Convince elf that industry is necessary for civilization, and that sustained agrarianism can only lead to stagnation and medieval stasis, giving all power to the wealthy elite at the expense of the proletariat.

[Frelock]

Meta: Get everyone to the elevator again

Fantasy: In the confusion, go and rescue Edgar.

[Dermonster]

RW: Punch out monk.

FW: Tame the rat.

[Gatleos]

Oh hey Kyle.



Turn soon.

[Gatleos]

So far, our party includes an insane troper who has telekinesis and hallucinates ghost pirates with posh British accents and a double amputee burn victim janitor who beats people to death with a mop. And this is in the "real" world.

**********~
Turn 53
**********~

META TURN:
First boss clear.

Goals
Find the keycard stations.

Current Soundtrack
Elevator Room

Actions

Meta: Remove shirt, tie it around my arm again.

(...) But it's so soft! Blood is shooting out of your arm like it was a high-pressure hose now. It's quite ridiculous, really.

Meta: Accept the Wheelchair-thing, and try to find John to heal him

(...) You hop in your wheelchair and roll off to the executive lounge, where you find John writhing on the floor. You bend down to heal him OH JESUS THAT HURTS

Meta: "Eh wot? What manner of ghost pirate hangs out on a spaceship and speaks the Queen's English?"

(...)
Monk: "Eh wot? What manner of ghost pirate hangs out on a spaceship and speaks the Queen's English?"
Ghost Pirate: "Why, the kind created in the mind of a looney, old bean! And the kind looking for a sporting good time. What is there to do in this... eh... spaceship, you call it?"
Monk: "...Looney?"
Ghost Pirate: "Ah yes, you got quite the whack back there! Likely knocked some springs loose, eh?"

Meta: Get everyone to the elevator again

(...) You run to the executive lounge, plop John on Kyle's lap, and wheel both of them to the elevator.

RW: Punch out monk.

(...) You whack Monk upside the head.
Paulie: "Hey!"

Status
Player: dermonster
Name: Derek L.
Occupation: Video game Developer/designer.
Currently: Slapping Monk('s body).
Inventory: Explosive Collar | Jumpsuit | Splint | Bottle of Painkillers | Metal Bar | Marshall Coburn (commanding)
Wounds: None
Abilities: Code Expert | Neckbeard | NERD RAEG (...)
Player: Frelock
Name: Frederick Stephonavich
Occupation: Actuary (Knowing probabilities of things)
Currently: Standing casually in the elevator.
Inventory: Explosive Collar | Jumpsuit
Wounds: None
Abilities: Uncanny Prediction | Actuary's Lament | Tweak the Odds
Player: monk12
Name: Monk
Occupation: Troper
Description: Characteristically wears nice hats. Top hats, pirate hats, fedoras, you name it. Hopefully still has one in his possession.
Currently: Acting strangely.
Inventory: Moist Top Hat | Explosive Collar | Jumpsuit | Frag Grenade x3 | Plasma Rifle
Wounds: Light Bleeding x2
Abilities: Applied Phlebotinum | TV Tropes Will Ruin Your Life | MacGyvering | Telekinesis
Player: HighEndNoob
Name: Kyle Hammers
Occupation: Janitor
Picture
Currently: Uggghhhh...
Inventory: Explosive Collar | Jumpsuit | Mop | Rubber Gloves | Medkit
Wounds: Missing Legs | Heavy Burns | Heavy Bleeding | Very Heavy Bleeding x2
Abilities: That's The Power of Pinesol, Bitch! | Clean Freak | Custodial Might | EMT
Player: _DivideByZero_
Name: John Freeman
Occupation: Drill Sergeant
Currently: Shooting blood all over the place.
Inventory: Explosive Collar | Jumpsuit | Unicorn Band-aids | Fancy Shirt
Wounds: Missing Arm | Very Heavy Bleeding | Broken Nose
Abilities: Major Payne | Fullmetal Jacket | Apocalypse Now
Name: Marshall Coburn MkII Combat Droid
Description: A giant mechanical spider made of smaller mechanical spider parts. It was fitted with an advanced AI routine and can now talk. It also has a self-powered eye-laser taken from the remains of Xenocalamus.
Inventory: None
Wounds: None
Abilities: Eye Laser

Locations
The S.S. Periclase
Main Deck
Maintenance Deck 3, Main Elevator
EARTH!
Elevator Controls
Interrogation Room 7E-365 (Deck M3): You were all shackled to chairs in here when you woke up. The door has been dropkicked off its hinges. There's circuitry on the walls, a row of monitors, and a row of 5 chairs.

Spoiler: INITIATING RTD ROUTINE (click to show/hide)

FANTASY TURN:

The Elven sacrifice will soon begin!

Goals
"KIDNAP THE MAYOR OF THIS TOWN AND ESCAPE" Complete!
Throw Ogomspoxom into the fires of Mt. Helmath!

Current Soundtrack
West Coast DK Island

Actions

Fantasy: FINALLY. Charge into battle.

(...) Well, those guards are already trapped in a stone cage. You can't really remember who you were going to murder, honestly. Suddenly, a giant rat swoops by, picks you up, and starts running toward Derm!

Fantasy: Before Urist leaves, ask him for my Gunpowder.

(...) Urist lops off his gunpowder-filled swordfish arm and gives it to you. Well, it works nicely as a gunpowder carrying case. You're so satisfied that you shake Urist's hand! Just then, a giant rat runs by and grabs Urist, pulling you along for the ride!

Fantasy: Convince elf that industry is necessary for civilization, and that sustained agrarianism can only lead to stagnation and medieval stasis, giving all power to the wealthy elite at the expense of the proletariat.

(...)
Atho: "Want to hear something disturbing?"
Edgar: "NOOOOOOO!"
Atho: "The long-term effects of deforestation without proper replanting can be catastrophic to a region's ecosystem! Not to mention the increased damage of natural disasters like floods due to the lack of plant-life to prevent the erosion of soil. Oh, and trees make air too. Don't forget that."
Edgar: "But industry is necessary for civilization! Sustained agrarianism can only lead to stagnation and medieval stasis, giving all power to the wealthy elite at the expense of the proletariat."
Atho: "Your Dorf-speak confuse Atho."
Edgar: *Sigh*

Fantasy: In the confusion, go and rescue Edgar.

(...) You run up the spiral staircase inside the cavernous tree trunk and step out onto a large rope bridge.
Frelock: "Where is the most likely place they are holding him?"
Elica: "My guess would be there."
Elica points to a room high atop a knotted branch, dimly lit from within by torch light. After a long trek to the top, you burst into the room!
Atho: "What in the name of Ama is tha-"
You leap into the air and prepare to perform a flying dropkick to the Elf's face! (...) He leaps out of the way and crouches against the wall, ready to strike!

FW: Tame the rat.

(...) Using all your knowledge of animal communion, you look up at the rampaging rat running toward you. It prepares to swing Urist and HEN at you, when you suddenly hold up your hand! The rat stops in its tracks and bows to you. Whew, that was close. The giant rat drops HEN and Urist, and you pet it on the head. George looks a little jealous.

Status
Player: dermonster
Name: Derm Hell-binder
Occupation: Elemental Mage/Summoner.
Currently: RATTY
Inventory: Robes | Spiffy Hat | Left Upper Canine Tooth | Keyring | George (commanding) | Giant Cat (commanding) | Giant Rat (commanding) | Sword | Armor
Wounds: Missing Tooth | Black Eye
Abilities: Gift of the Magi (...) | Squishy Wizard | Summoner (...) | Water Blast | Superheat | Tectonic Shift
Player: Frelock
Name: Frelock Von-Heisenberg
Occupation: Luck-o-mancer (Manipulating probabilities of things)
Currently: Trying to save Edgar.
Inventory: Gold Coin | Peasant Robes | Golden Pocket Watch | Map of Westport | Long Sword | Armor | Spring Shoes | Elica Larifera (commanding)
Wounds: None
Abilities: Smooth Criminal | Accident Waiting to Happen | Befuddlement | Legsplosion
Player: monk12
Name: Edgar
Occupation: Sky Pirate
Currently: Squirming on the floor, trying to get free.
Inventory: Sleeveless Long Coat | Grappling Hook | Harpoon Gun
Wounds: Right Forearm Missing
Abilities: Booze Power | Terraphobia | Side-quest Radar
Player: HighEndNoob
Name: HighEndNoob
Occupation: Ninja Sniper
Currently: Laying on the jungle floor.
Inventory: Robe | Throwing Star x1 | Throwing Dagger x18 | Musket | Musket Ammo x34 | Sword | Tattered Shirt | Dead Swordfish
Wounds: Missing Tooth | Broken Leg | Heavy Bleeding x2
Abilities: Immaculate Aim | Clumsy Fighter | 'Splode On Impact
Player: _DivideByZero_
Name: Urist Anvilsmasher
Occupation: Administrator
Description
Currently: Sitting on the jungle floor, looking confused.
Inventory: Cave Spider Silk Robe | Cave Spider Silk Shoes x2 | Bar of Kitten Tallow Soap | Battle Axe
Wounds: Missing Arm
Abilities: Dabbling Surgeon (...) | Meager Social Ability | Martial Trance
Name: George
Description: A 1.5-foot-tall rat with a scorpion stinger, gills and fins! He takes orders from Derm.
Inventory: None
Wounds: None
Abilities: Amphibious

Locations
Hellfire Cove
The Borealis
Condition:
Sunk
Westport
Mayor's Ogomspoxom's Former Manor
Forest Retreat

[monk12]

Hm. I'm fighting elves. Elves are the mortal enemies of dwarves. Therefore, I must do what a dwarf would do in this situation.


Meta: Repossess body

Fantasy: Bite the elf's knees

[Frelock]

Meta: When everyone gets in the elevator, press the button for deck 3.

Fantasy: Haggle for the prisoner/sacrifice's release.  Offer mayor.  Use stare-down tactic if needed.

[Beardless]

Well I'm glad someone remembers George. I was waiting for the perfect awkward moment to ask where he was. Would have served you right for neglecting him.

I voted! And tried to supply a quick synopsis since certain people who already voted failed to actually describe the thread at all. People should vote and write a better synopsis, quick! If the summary that ends up on the front page sucks, it's your fault.