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[Aramco]

but our females don't really want to lay any eggs without nest boxes around.

Did... did you mod Dwarves to lay eggs? That is awesome.

[Keldane]

but our females don't really want to lay any eggs without nest boxes around.

Did... did you mod Dwarves to lay eggs? That is awesome.

Actually, I'm pretty sure he modded in a race of half-dragons, based on what I've read around the board.

[Taeraresh]

Dear Urist McHotstuff,

Booze does not function very well as a fire suppressant. You might want to try th
*BOOM*

...
Dear everyone else,
Please refrain from trying to drink booze that is on fir
Your settlement has crumbled to its end.

(not that it would have mattered, the fire got to my food stockpiles too)

Sounds like you somehow got a fort full of tech-support dwarves. If they were all named Bob, that'd probably confirm things.

[Deus Machina]

Dear military,

Yes, that blind cave troll is terrifying. I know.

But when I tell you to kill it, I want you do cut it off at the pass and actually use your crossbows, not chase it--and be chased--all around the landscape like a Benny Hill skit. It would occasionally even turn around and punch one of you in the face. We lost four of the seven in that manner.

I do admit it was impressive the way it burst the through front gates just as the new immigrants were arriving, making them dive for cover. But you let it wander off, rather than kill it.

Consider yourself on remedial training until further notice.


Dear Urist McNewMiner,

Sorry about your greeting to the fortress, what with the cave troll and all, but thanks for being the first immigrant to get right to work.

Also, I must commend you on the way that--while the military was still chasing their target troll around--a second came up the stairs beside where you were digging more, and you casually put a copper pick through its brain. One blow, no dodging, and right back to work. Didn't even miss a beat.

I'm having the engravers working on the first bedroom on the nobles' floor just for you.

-The overseer, personally delivering a barrel of sewer brew to your room.

[GreatWyrmGold]

Dear all dwarves:
I know you see the nice, new, empty barrel. You also see the plump helmets.
The plump helmets are going to be turned into wine so that you don't all die of thirst. Don't fill up the barrels!

EDIT:
Oh, and don't then cook it all into some roasts and fill the barrels with...seeds, maybe? Morons.

[Edward_Tohr]

Dear Malevolent Spirits:

I understand your desire to add some excitement to your dull existences. I really do.

However, I would appreciate it if you would stop possessing my dwarves. Of the fifsixteen Artifacts now enshrined within our fortress, ten of them were a result of possessions.

If you can't stop doing that, could you at least let the poor dwarves remember what they were doing? I have enough of a shortage of skilled artisans as it is.

Regards:

Overseer.


Dear Armok:

If You, in Your eternal wisdom, should decide to make malevolent possessor spirits able to be destroyed by Magma, I shall, myself, build a massive statue in Your honor.

[Terrahex]

A notice for the miner's guild

first I'd like to commend all the hard work that some of you have been doing in this new location. I know you guys are aware that two of my other friends are building on that exact same location in seperate dimensions to prove that they're better than me. one of them has been taken out already by digging too greedily and while I admit his avarice has given us less to worry about, there is still that other friend over there happily swinging his pick hoping to get lucky. I do not appreciate how you have lately been running the guild. I have seven miners, but only four are digging at any given moment.

furthermore, everytime you guys start working, you all decide to switch location, which would be acceptable and understandable if all of you didn't move at once. going from the bottom of our cubbyhole to the surface and back down repetively eats up valuable work time. you could at least leave one miner to dig out that spot while you other guys start digging up above. all of you don't need to be in the same place.

if thiss continues, I'm afraid I'm going to have to start assigning workstations which you will absolutely not be allowed to leave, even if you are dying of thirst or starvation. please note that I also won't care if you callapse to the ground in exhastion. and if you start tantrumming, I'll have the military on you so fast it'll make your pick break, becuase unlike you they know how to do their job.

oh yeah, and Urist McTrapped is still stuck in that pit. anytime you want to start digging him out would be good.

-Terrahex

[Shogger]

Dear farmers,

Please plant those longland grass seeds. It only takes a second. It's not like you guys are doing much else anyway, might as well plant them.

I know you guys love your alcohol, so I would get on it if I were you. The water's frozen for most of the year, and nobody likes dying of thirst.

Sincerely,

The management.

[Hammerstar]

Dear Urist McBroker,

When you haul one of the bins of crafts to the trade depot yourself, you should simply stay until the trading is complete, instead of immediately turning around to go back to the kitchen for a beer, and then going for a nap. Please have a stronger work ethic in the future, otherwise, the alligators in the entrance hall drop are always hungry...

Your Not-Thirsty Overseer

[Urist McTaverish]

Dear Urist McDoctor,

Please, PLEASE stop hauling those bones and diagnose the fighters in YOUR hospital.  I turned off all other jobs for you, I even FORBID EVERYTHING and yet you still insist on dumping bones in the quantum stockpile.  DO YOUR JOB or there will be magma in your future.

Your Loving Comrade What Lurks In the Dark.

[Lielac]

Dear everyone,

You see those puppies swarming about the puppy cage? You know, the puppy cage like five squares away from where you're gabbing with your friends? Yeah, put the puppies in the cage. Like, NOW. Or I will breach that damn river in your FACE.

Dear puppies,

Hurry the hell up with that whole growing up thing, I need more dogs to train for war.

Dear migrant who brought the cat,

THANK YOU for bringing a male cat. You may yet survive the cullings. Maybe.

Love,
Your Overlady

[ledgekindred]

Dear Benev'lent Overseer

Aye, we marksdwarves know ye want us ta be down in ther caverns killin them troggodypes what keeps comin up the stairs and usin up yer valuboble cages what could be used fer catchin filthy stinkin gobbos.  An' we'd be happy to do it fer yer.  On'y yer gotta put us on duty.  Yer forgot ta set us up a trainin schedule fer like ta be a year, so 'o course we're havin a bit 'o drink and hangin about the meeting area (which is loverly we all agree) waitin fer ya ta tell us what we're s'posed ta be doin.  An' now yer got some twenty cages worth 'o trogs what're a prob'm on accounts 'o they like ta run off when yer try ta pit 'em into the barracks.

An' looksee, when yer remembered'a put us on duty, we went right on down'ta our assigned posts where we been havin a larf plinkin away at them pathetic trogs what takes on'y an couple bolts ta ther face an' they starts all twitchin and runnin about.  We can't hardly shoot straight on account 'o larfin so much.

A Friendly Reminder From Yer Helpful Mil'tary On Accounts 'o Wantin Ta Be Learnin Ta Be Visous Vishes Vishcsose Badarse Fightin Machines

   

[schussel]

Dear Benev'lent Overseer

Aye, we marksdwarves know ye want us ta be down in ther caverns killin them troggodypes what keeps comin up the stairs and usin up yer valuboble cages what could be used fer catchin filthy stinkin gobbos.  An' we'd be happy to do it fer yer.  On'y yer gotta put us on duty.  Yer forgot ta set us up a trainin schedule fer like ta be a year, so 'o course we're havin a bit 'o drink and hangin about the meeting area (which is loverly we all agree) waitin fer ya ta tell us what we're s'posed ta be doin.  An' now yer got some twenty cages worth 'o trogs what're a prob'm on accounts 'o they like ta run off when yer try ta pit 'em into the barracks.

An' looksee, when yer remembered'a put us on duty, we went right on down'ta our assigned posts where we been havin a larf plinkin away at them pathetic trogs what takes on'y an couple bolts ta ther face an' they starts all twitchin and runnin about.  We can't hardly shoot straight on account 'o larfin so much.

A Friendly Reminder From Yer Helpful Mil'tary On Accounts 'o Wantin Ta Be Learnin Ta Be Visous Vishes Vishcsose Badarse Fightin Machines

 

damn.. thanks to you my boss knows of my dwarf hobby since i chuckled madly to this one

[Hammerstar]

Dear members of the Menacing Axes squad,

Job well done on your first assignment, dealing with the mad fisherdwarf rampaging through the workshops. Keep it up and you'll be fighting alongside Lutas Worldcleave and his legendary Bristling Horrors to defend our fortress from the real dangers on the outside, and the depths, in no time. You'll remember the engravings around the fortress depicting Lutas and his squad's victories over countless goblins, trolls, and the giant frog with wings from the lower mines, as well as the masterwork of Lutas personally delivering the final blow to sever the bronze collossus' head and prevent it from entering the fortress. In time, perhaps you too will decorate the fortress in such a manner.

My condolences to the member of your squad who was married to Urist McInsaneFisherdwarf. I realize you were already distraught over his insanity, and seeing him hacked up in front of you while being ordered to help couldn't have helped. Apologies, ma'am, but you must understand that it was for the good of the fortress as a whole before he seriously hurt someone.

Which brings me to the point of this message: you were told to kill him, not hack off his arms and legs and stomp his head into the floor in the middle of the clothier's workshop. Cleaning blood off stone is easy, but getting it out of cave spider silk is much more difficult, not to mention the children who saw the act have been having nightmares ever since. A repeat of this debacle will see you on permanent glacier duty. Maybe the yetis will be more understanding.

Your Overseer

[Lielac]

Dear Dwarven Merchants,

WHY IN THE NAME OF ARMOK DID YOU BRING NOTHING BUT FOOD AND BOOZE AND MOSTLY FOOD?!

No love,
The Pagetruths Overlady

P.S.: Thank you for not bringing cloth. Still, I HAVE ENOUGH FOOD, DAMNIT.