i just don't fucking know anymore. i wake up feeling frustrated as FUCK and it doesn't diminish during the day at all. i have a million things i should be doing, and then a million more that i really want to be doing but i do none of them and piss away all of my time instead, with shit like this or fucking reddit. not even playing games or relaxing because playing games isn't even fucking relaxing anymore.
i don't even see any point why i should even try anymore. i've been trying for two fucking years, with zero result, ever. how much fucking longer do i have to keep trying to do shit before i stop being miserable? will it even ever fucking happen? will i keep putting fucking effort into an endless pit with no results? my best fucking friend keeps telling me to "just be social", as if it's that fucking simple.
i want to talk to girls, and i can talk to girls if i have an "excuse". but nothing ever, ever comes from it. nobody wants to hear anything about my hobbies, which i know from experience. so im relegated to either listening or talking about generic shit, which people aren't actually interested in either, it's just awkward filler. but usually i just end up sitting alone in a corner while people talk in groups, and i belong to none of them so i cant do shit anyway. and the few times im not pushed out of a conversation by a group or whatever, i sometimes even feel like im basically carrying the conversation and that the other person doesn't actually want to talk.
whenever i try anything, it just fails. i've been trying for two fucking years, and nothing has changed. it's not even my mindset, because two months ago i was at least a little bit optimistic and i still didn't get anywhere. sure, i have some talents, but none of them are actually useful. who cares about programming languages when you have the social abilities of a potato and your arms are weak as shit, and nobody wants to talk about your interests anyway. my fucking talents haven't done shit for me, ever.
sure, i have therapy tomorrow (if i manage to make it through the day, that is), but i don't even have faith in that to help me anymore since i got a new therapist.
so my fucking homework still isn't done, it's 8 pm, i have to sleep soon. i really fucking hope i don't wake up.