Have another exam tommorrow, I might fail, I might pass, not too worried about it, not as much as I should be in any case.
The thing is, and this might get a bit rambly since I don't really talk to anyone about this stuff except you folks (which is a whole different set of issues I guess) but stuff's been piling on for a bit now. Not much, atleast not separately but the combined weight and number of little things makes it kinda hard to keep track of and stay afloat so to speak, and I've found myself sinking into that hole of depressing thoughts again lately. I even notice it now, heck, I try to stop it and turn it around but the moment my attention slips it comes back with a vengance, so I need to keep myself busy with things. The problem is I don't have much to keep myself busy with, I study for a bit, then draw for a bit and then the only thing I'm left with is either mindless videogames (which I'm slowly getting sick and tired of it seems) or mindless movies/shows/youtube.
And I feel like I'm treading water at this point, not making progress in any discernible direction, waiting for another nudge by life into something, too paralyzed by fear and anxiety to make a proper choice myself. It seems like I'm a completely different person to the guy from less than a month ago who was determined and knew what he wanted to accomplish, even wrote his plans down, but now I'm realizing that I made almost no progress when it comes to said plans, I made almost no progress when it comes to anything really, and it isn't merely for a lack of trying.
Then there's other stuff, like my dad saying he isn't willing to support my studies if I don't clear this year, which probably won't happen, the fact that I can leave one subject for next year without any consequence doesn't matter to him it seems. Doesn't even matter really, the only reason I'm still doing this is because of him and because it buys me more time to improve my art stuff to a hopefully comercial level. It also keeps me away from him, because I've realized how much bad shit I've picked up from him over the years, and it makes me angry, not at anyone in particular, just angry in general, which makes my already short temper even shorter so any interaction with him is rarely good, especially if I need to help him with something because he turns into a pissy asshole whenever he's working on anything and the slightest thing goes wrong. And the worst part is that he isn't a bad person, far from it, one of the best guys I know, but he has issues that made their way onto me somehow and I can't see any way of getting rid of them without distancing myself from him.
Then there's the whole girl thing which kicked what was a somewhat depressive period into overdrive that has lasted for almost half a year and only seemed to let up in the last month or so. And I'm angry about that too, again, no one in particular (or mostly myself, depending on the mood), because things happened and it seemed that despite the best intentions from both sides we just kinda kept fucking each other up more and more. We kinda made up after about a month of no contact of any kind, I apologised, she did as well and it was kinda ok. Except not really, because I seem to still be hung up on what happened and the damage caused. Not sure I can really let her anywhere close anytime soon, then again, she's not showing any intention of doing so, so I guess we're good.
And then the most recent thing that's been bugging me, anxiety, namely, anxiety over responding to people. Like, not even starting up a conversation IRL or something like that, just online stuff, somebody leaves a nice comment on my DArt profile or image or whatever and I go to reply and just freeze in terror for no discernible reason, my mind just blanks and I put it off for later. It takes mu up to a week to reply to stuff, not because I'm busy or didn't see it but because I'm terrified of doing so. What the hell!?
Anyways, this feels too long already so I'm gonna just stop here, not sure the rant helped much but eh, there were worse ways of spending time I guess :V