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[MaximumZero]

I'm feeling the onset of "Why did I even try" syndrome. I'm probably just going to have to finish my associate's degree, put school aside and then get another worthless day-in day-out retail job.

That's what I did. Don't do it. Being the Assistant Manager of fa video game store is cool and all, but I regret not going back for my Bachelor's and being qualified to change the world every day.

[Tiruin]

I'm feeling the onset of "Why did I even try" syndrome. I'm probably just going to have to finish my associate's degree, put school aside and then get another worthless day-in day-out retail job.

That's what I did. Don't do it. Being the Assistant Manager of fa video game store is cool and all, but I regret not going back for my Bachelor's and being qualified to change the world every day.

Do note that that onset is more based on something incomplete, than a logical and beneficial signal to stop.
"Why did I even try" signifies that you had no idea what you were doing beforehand? It 'seemed good to do'? You maybe lacked info or knowledge to follow through?....or are there other factors?
All the words past 'syndrome' up there don't speak well of this being a 'warning feeling' ._.

Keep at it mate. Don't let regrets grow. They're like weeds--useful in only certain conditions (ie pushing you to NOT let them grow so you can cultivate better plants!)

[Yoink]

Ugh... my anxiety doesn't seem to be going away.
Now I'm not sure if it was just anxiety, or if everyone suddenly dislikes me.
There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with my appearance, as far as I can tell, and I don't think I smell... aaauuugh.

Everything is OK!
Maybe! I'm not where you are. But it might just be anxiety. Got a trusted knows-you're-crazy whom you can tactfully ask?
Those are really useful, I've found.

Thanks, man. I think it was just anxiety.
I've replaced it with new Sads now anyway. >.>

[RedKing]

Ugh...mosquitoes. Went out to do some gardening (hand-tilling a 3'x6' plot to lay in some broccoli and cauliflower for the fall) and 20 minutes later, I am a mass of bite marks and thinking about that dude that died of West Nile virus the other week just down the road...

Don't understand why Asian tiger mosquitoes left my ass alone in China, but here at home the same goddamn species thinks I am omnomnomable.

[Yoink]

Perhaps Chinese folks are just really tasty?

[RedKing]

Perhaps Chinese folks are just really tasty?

No, they ate my fellow Americans alive. (The mosquitoes, not the Chinese).

I figured its because I acclimated to the local diet from Day 1, while most of the others were still eating KFC and Pizza Hut for a week or more. So they stood out more.

But the last week or two, the mosquitoes have gone from annoying to one step below Biblical plague level.

[Yoink]

Crazy. There are a lot of mosquitoes around here lately, too.
I generally am their last choice of who to eat... probably because I'm anaemic. 



Current Sad: my mother. I don't think any more needs to be said, and I can hardly put how awful she is into words anyway.

Edit: Oh gods, now she just booked an Australian domestic flight through the airline's US website, causing her to be charged eighty more Australian dollars than she expected. This was a flight for me (to get from Brisbane back to Melbourne once we return to Australia) so naturally I'm the worst in the world.

And on top of that, the itinerary was emailed to the wrong email address, since she woke me up from a nap to ask me my email and I was half-asleep and mumbled something that was a vague combination of both my main emails. So yeah... it is kind of my fault, which makes it even worse.

I don't know why she has to freak out and verbally abuse me so much, though. Doesn't... really seem to help matters.

[spümpkin]

Crazy. There are a lot of mosquitoes around here lately, too.
I generally am their last choice of who to eat... probably because I'm anaemic. 



Current Sad: my mother. I don't think any more needs to be said, and I can hardly put how awful she is into words anyway.

Edit: Oh gods, now she just booked an Australian domestic flight through the airline's US website, causing her to be charged eighty more Australian dollars than she expected. This was a flight for me (to get from Brisbane back to Melbourne once we return to Australia) so naturally I'm the worst in the world.

And on top of that, the itinerary was emailed to the wrong email address, since she woke me up from a nap to ask me my email and I was half-asleep and mumbled something that was a vague combination of both my main emails. So yeah... it is kind of my fault, which makes it even worse.

I don't know why she has to freak out and verbally abuse me so much, though. Doesn't... really seem to help matters.

Don't feel too down about this. Everyone feels mad sometimes, and a lot of peopletake that rage out on other people, even others they care about deeply.  I used to get angry, and I still sometimes do. Your mum is probably under a lot of stress. That being said, I still don't think it's right to verbally abuse someone over such trivial matters, unless you're not in the greatest monetary situation right now. But the email thing was probably unnecessary.

Sometimes it can be hard to see things from other's perspectives, but I can't seem to help it. It's just kind of an innate thing for me. It makes arguing a lot harder, and also getting angry alot harder as well.

But, (this is my sad) alas, with this also comes the innate ability to only hate myself, as I can see other's reasons for continued existence, but not mine sometimes. And I have considered kicking the bucket early, but then I thought about all the people it would effect, and I decided against it. I also find it hard to define myself as a person, due to my sporadic actions and genderfluid mentality. Sometimes I feel likeI want to be a different me, but it can't happen, so I'm sent into a slump. This lack of self-definition makes it hard for me to find a way to carry on.

Sorry about all the sads at once, just needed to get it out, and this seems like a good place to do it.

[TD1]

Perhaps Chinese folks are just really tasty?

No, they ate my fellow Americans alive. (The mosquitoes, not the Chinese).

Oh good. I'm right in thinking that's just the Japanese, then.

[Jopax]

Have another exam tommorrow, I might fail, I might pass, not too worried about it, not as much as I should be in any case.

Spoiler: Wall of rant (click to show/hide)

The thing is, and this might get a bit rambly since I don't really talk to anyone about this stuff except you folks (which is a whole different set of issues I guess) but stuff's been piling on for a bit now. Not much, atleast not separately but the combined weight and number of little things makes it kinda hard to keep track of and stay afloat so to speak, and I've found myself sinking into that hole of depressing thoughts again lately. I even notice it now, heck, I try to stop it and turn it around but the moment my attention slips it comes back with a vengance, so I need to keep myself busy with things. The problem is I don't have much to keep myself busy with, I study for a bit, then draw for a bit and then the only thing I'm left with is either mindless videogames (which I'm slowly getting sick and tired of it seems) or mindless movies/shows/youtube.
And I feel like I'm treading water at this point, not making progress in any discernible direction, waiting for another nudge by life into something, too paralyzed by fear and anxiety to make a proper choice myself. It seems like I'm a completely different person to the guy from less than a month ago who was determined and knew what he wanted to accomplish, even wrote his plans down, but now I'm realizing that I made almost no progress when it comes to said plans, I made almost no progress when it comes to anything really, and it isn't merely for a lack of trying.
Then there's other stuff, like my dad saying he isn't willing to support my studies if I don't clear this year, which probably won't happen, the fact that I can leave one subject for next year without any consequence doesn't matter to him it seems. Doesn't even matter really, the only reason I'm still doing this is because of him and because it buys me more time to improve my art stuff to a hopefully comercial level. It also keeps me away from him, because I've realized how much bad shit I've picked up from him over the years, and it makes me angry, not at anyone in particular, just angry in general, which makes my already short temper even shorter so any interaction with him is rarely good, especially if I need to help him with something because he turns into a pissy asshole whenever he's working on anything and the slightest thing goes wrong. And the worst part is that he isn't a bad person, far from it, one of the best guys I know, but he has issues that made their way onto me somehow and I can't see any way of getting rid of them without distancing myself from him.
Then there's the whole girl thing which kicked what was a somewhat depressive period into overdrive that has lasted for almost half a year and only seemed to let up in the last month or so. And I'm angry about that too, again, no one in particular (or mostly myself, depending on the mood), because things happened and it seemed that despite the best intentions from both sides we just kinda kept fucking each other up more and more. We kinda made up after about a month of no contact of any kind, I apologised, she did as well and it was kinda ok. Except not really, because I seem to still be hung up on what happened and the damage caused. Not sure I can really let her anywhere close anytime soon, then again, she's not showing any intention of doing so, so I guess we're good.
And then the most recent thing that's been bugging me, anxiety, namely, anxiety over responding to people. Like, not even starting up a conversation IRL or something like that, just online stuff, somebody leaves a nice comment on my DArt profile or image or whatever and I go to reply and just freeze in terror for no discernible reason, my mind just blanks and I put it off for later. It takes mu up to a week to reply to stuff, not because I'm busy or didn't see it but because I'm terrified of doing so. What the hell!?

Anyways, this feels too long already so I'm gonna just stop here, not sure the rant helped much but eh, there were worse ways of spending time I guess :V

[itisnotlogical]

I have the feeling I'm going to be sitting in Toledo all day. Surprise! There is nothing to do except run around in circles saying "Yeah, that's cool" to keep the kids out of the other adult's hair. Then when I finally get a moment away from doing that, I sit around and listen to everybody discuss the same two or three things for a few hours, while I have things to do like mail back textbooks so we can have some more money.

And even after that, there's grocery shopping to do.

[Lord Shonus]

I have the feeling I'm going to be sitting in Toledo all day.

Why? That is not a healthy thing to do.

[Yoink]

Apparently my country is getting even shittier whilst I'm away.

Edit: I couldn't sleep much last night and this morning I look fucking awful.
Like some sort of ghoul, except not cool or scary, just depressingly ugly. It's a really nice day, too.

[Orange Wizard]

Apparently my country is getting even shittier whilst I'm away.

Getting rid of Abbott makes it better. Unless you like Abbott, I guess.

[Graknorke]

Getting rid of Abbott makes it better. Unless you like Abbott, I guess.

"You're not saying anything Tony"
He is the best public speaker.