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[GrizzlyAdamz]

Granted. They now have gay sex with animals and are lost in the deepest unexplored parts of Carlsbad caverns. Bob dylan is shunned & forgotten after writing this stupid song.

I wish to know how to locate proper locations and construct mines for iron & bronze ore.

[Komra]

Granted. You begin a thriving ore-mining business. However, the Science Police hunt you down for somehow finding a perfectly-mixed ore of bronze alloy.
Meanwhile, your exploits in DF are unaffected.

I wish for instant, on-command access to the knowledge of the following:
1. Where any on-order or in-shipping item, purchased by myself or a family member, is located
2. The condition of said item
3. The approximate, fairly-accurate time when said item will arrive

[RAM]

1: After endless weeks of 'in a warehouse' you grow numb to this sense.
2: busted.
3: a month overdue.

I wish that folk would just pronounce it you reign us or you ran us and that it would never occur to anyone to be crass about it...

[GrizzlyAdamz]

Granted. It doesn't occur to people, it is now an automatic, reflexatory response.

I wish for the ability to undo any (undo-able) knot *IN A TIMELY FASHION, without bodily harm or damaging the knot medium*. I'm looking at you christmas goddamn lights. You too slinky.

[Komra]

Granted. Any knot you touch instantly and automatically unknots. Seams, stitching, and Velcro hook-eye attachments are similar enough to be affected. YOu are forced to wear nothing but unsewn animal skins or plastic sheets for the rest of your life.

I wish for a new genre of music.

[Remuthra]

Granted. Here is a newly crafted masterpiece.

I wish overnight everyone started writing using the Greek language.

[RAM]

Granted, now everyone is writing using the Greek language, and cannot stop. The permanent state of writing makes sleep, among many other things, almost impossible. Also, given that most still don't understand Greek, they are unable to correct any mistakes they make... And of course they are still capable of writing in other languages, they just have to be writing in Greek at the same time...

I wish for the speed of light to be increased by a factor of 1000.

[Remuthra]

Granted. The speed of light is increased by 1, a factor of 1000.

I wish for a Acuberre Drive.

[intelligentmoron]

Granted, you have one bur the energy required to power it will not be within reach for hundreds of years.

I wish for a safe, easily operational antmatter generator.

[Devling]

Not the bees ants!

I wish for control over ants.

[GrizzlyAdamz]

Granted. You can only tell them to hunt you down and nest in your orifices. All of them. ('Ants or orifices?', 'Both.')

I wish for a living tame pet ant the size of a van which is friendly, is understanding of other beings' pain, understands it can unintentionally harm others if it isn't careful, takes care, is benevolent, is wholly loyal to me but still able to take care of itself, obediently obeys my commands in an expeditious manner, is respectful and kind to others, eats only veggies, eats sparingly for its size but still stays nourished with ease, is already well-known and accepted throughout the world as a stand-up kind of bug with a total lack of animosity between anyone and it, is a perfect anatomical specimen for an ant which has been enlarged to van-size, is able to automatically perform any and all normal bodily functions such as digestion and movement, is incredibly lucky, is immune to mental illness, is of a young-human-child's intelligence level, has eyesight on-par with a humans, has visual processing capacities on-par with humans, weighs only 2 tons, and comes with a freaking saddle that fits onto the ant and allows me to ride him wherever I go.

[lemon10]

Granted. However, in popular folklore giant ant antenna are regarded as amazing aphrodesiacs, worth over $100,000 dollars per pound. Poachers break into your house, kill it, and cut off its antenna to sell on the black market. You are then left with the issue of disposing of a two ton ant the size of a van.

I wish that I never got sick (although I could still die from old age, and it wouldn't be noticeable enough that the government or anyone else would notice and try to study me).

[Emral282]

Granted. A superdisease comes in and kills everyone on Earth but you. You die a lonely death.

I wish to be an omniglot.

[RAM]

You suffer from paralytic headaches whenever you interpret speech. And your head explodes...

I wish to invent a good forum game.

[Drago55577]

Granted, it's so awesome no one wishes to play it as to preserve it.

I wish i had cool shades.