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[Osmosis Jones]

Two geologists are standing on a granite outcrop.

The first one says "Hmmm, doesn't look like there was any metamorphism here"

To which the other replies, "No schist!"

[Lemunde]

An electron walks into a bar and waves.

Why didn't the higgs boson walk into the bar?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

It was attending mass!

[The Darkling Wolf]

Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Nothing. Fish do not talk you fool!

[Sergius]

My spoon is too big. My SPOON is too BIG! MY SPOON IS TOO BIG!

[Starver]

There is no spoon.

[darklord92]

cant_we_all_just.get(along);

[MaximumZero]

My brother in law. (Seriously. Everything hereafter is fact, despite how it sounds.) Born of Chinese parents...in Scotland. So, he walks around wondering aloud if his heritage means he is always disoriented.

[Starver]

His heritage doesn't quite mirror that of the famous guy raised in Ireland but who then went over to China to help grow all their rice, Paddy Fields....

[RedKing]

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon.
Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide and seek. I'll be IT!"
The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three.."
Pascal runs off immediately to find a place to hide.
Newton, however, merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a mid-sized square...
... Newton finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts "Ready or not, here I come!"
Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him. "Found you Newton!"
Newton looks at him and replies, "No you didn't. You found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal."

[Zrk2]

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon.
Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide and seek. I'll be IT!"
The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three.."
Pascal runs off immediately to find a place to hide.
Newton, however, merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a mid-sized square...
... Newton finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts "Ready or not, here I come!"
Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him. "Found you Newton!"
Newton looks at him and replies, "No you didn't. You found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal."

We have a winner.

[LeoLeonardoIII]

*Rubs paddles together*
Don't you die on me!
*BDJZZZZ!*

Thread: b ... beep ... beep ... beep


//

A vulture was arguing with a TSA agent because they wouldn't let him onto the plane with his carrion.

[Yoink]

Did you hear about the carpenter who constructed a car entirely from timber?

It wooden work.

[HissinhWalnuts]

How make a party in space? You planet.

[werty892]

I have a old communism joke.

So a plane is flying from Georgia to Moscow, and suddenly, a man storms the cabin with a gun, demanding it be redirected to London. The pilot oblidges, and steers the plane to London. Suddenly, a second man storms the cabin with 2 guns, and demands the plane be redirected to Paris. The pilot redirects the plane again. Then, a Georgian comes into the cabin and says "I have a bomb, steer the plane to Moscow or I will blow us all up." The pilot obliges, and steers the plane to Moscow. When they land, the Georgian is congratulated by some officials, and the ask, "Comrade, why did you order the plane back to Moscow?" and the Georgian replies "What would I do with 1000 tulips in Paris?"

Spoiler: Explanation (click to show/hide)

The joke is that back in the communism day, one could sell tulips on the Russian "Grey market" for a high price, and as such, he would have wanted to keep the plane in Russia.

[Rose]

"I'm thirsty"

"Really? well I'm Friday. Want to come over on Saturday and have a sundae?"