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Author Topic: Terrible Jokes  (Read 712297 times)

scrdest

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #315 on: December 28, 2013, 11:34:40 am »

How many Epicureans does it take to change a light bulb?
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These are copypasta - there's some great philosophy jokes (proofs for p!) here.

Oh god, I followed the link and found the Uxbridge Dictionary of Philosophy. I'll need to wash my clothes, but at least my floor is now completely lint-free from all the rolling on it it endured.


E: 'lacanthropy, n. The transformation, under the influence of the full moon, of a dubious psychological theory into a dubious social theory via a dubious linguistic theory.' <3
« Last Edit: December 28, 2013, 11:56:27 am by scrdest »
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We are doomed. It's just that whatever is going to kill us all just happens to be, from a scientific standpoint, pretty frickin' awesome.

Caz

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #316 on: December 28, 2013, 03:20:53 pm »

A thousand babies drowned in corn.

Corny, wasn't it?


/dadjokes
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GreatJustice

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #317 on: December 28, 2013, 03:58:21 pm »

Hmm, I need to pitch in a few. Might have them off a bit, since I'm going mostly from memory.

---

A mathematician, an engineer, and a statistician are asked to find the length of the hypotenuse if the other side lengths are 3 and 4 metres long.

The mathematician pauses for a second and says, "Why, that's a Pythagorean triple! The hypotenuse is five metres long."

The engineer pulls out a book listing triangle side lengths and leafs through it with precision. Unfortunately, the relevant page is stained with coffee and is illegible. After several minutes of thought, the engineer declares that the question is impossible and walks out.

The statistician checks to see that the door is closed, leans forward, and asks "Well, what do you want the answer to be?"

---

A salesman's car breaks down in the middle of a harsh storm. Fortunately, he spots a farmer's house not far away. When he arrives, the farmer says, "Fortunately for you, my three beautiful daughters are away at college, so you can sleep in their room for the night."

Without a word, the salesman turns around and begins walking back to his broken car. "But why are you leaving?" asks the farmer, "I have a room for you!"

The salesman turns around and says "I think I'm in the wrong joke."

---

Two tellers are working at a bank when robbers break in and tell people to give them their wallets.

The first teller passes the other $50. "What's this?" asks the second teller.

"It's the fifty bucks I owe you."

---

A man's father accurately predicts, to the nearest hour, the time and place of his death. How is this possible?

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The person supporting regenerating health, when asked why you can see when shot in the eye justified it as 'you put on an eyepatch'. When asked what happens when you are then shot in the other eye, he said that you put an eyepatch on that eye. When asked how you'd be able to see, he said that your first eye would have healed by then.

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Remuthra

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Re: TERRIBLE JOKES
« Reply #318 on: December 28, 2013, 04:11:44 pm »

During the Age of Exploration, a Catholic missionary was traveling with a group of conquistadors in South America. Their party was ambushed and captured by Aztecs, who took them back to their temple to sacrifice to their sun god. The Catholic looks up at the Aztec priest sacrificing his companions, and exclaims, "You Dayist!"

Yannanth

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« Reply #319 on: December 29, 2013, 05:57:50 am »

.
« Last Edit: November 21, 2016, 04:24:29 pm by Yannanth »
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Remuthra

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #320 on: December 29, 2013, 08:28:32 am »

Why did the Liberal Crime Squad hate the treehugging environmentalists? They were too conservative.

Avis-Mergulus

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #321 on: December 29, 2013, 03:01:35 pm »

So you see, five potheads are driving around in a car at night, and they're approaching a Road Police control point. One pothead is all like, "Gaaaaize, let's one of us lie on the floor, or the cop will notice there's five of us in a four-seater and stop us, and then he'll see we're stoned..."
So a cop is on watch one dark and cold night, and he sees a car drive by. There's nobody in the car.
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scrdest

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #322 on: December 29, 2013, 05:26:44 pm »

Why did the Liberal Crime Squad hate the treehugging environmentalists? They were too conservative.

That's not a joke, that's an accurate depiction of LCS.
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We are doomed. It's just that whatever is going to kill us all just happens to be, from a scientific standpoint, pretty frickin' awesome.

scrdest

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #323 on: December 30, 2013, 03:01:07 am »

Why did the Liberal Crime Squad hate the treehugging environmentalists? They were too conservative.

That's not a joke, that's an accurate depiction of LCS.
Come to think of it, LCS is, in itself, a terrible joke.

In retrospect, I should have responded with 'This *is* disturbing. What can I do'
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We are doomed. It's just that whatever is going to kill us all just happens to be, from a scientific standpoint, pretty frickin' awesome.

Remuthra

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #324 on: December 30, 2013, 08:52:25 am »

Why did the Liberal Crime Squad hate the treehugging environmentalists? They were too conservative.

That's not a joke, that's an accurate depiction of LCS.
Come to think of it, LCS is, in itself, a terrible joke.

In retrospect, I should have responded with 'This *is* disturbing. What can I do'
Golly, is there any way to help?

LeoLeonardoIII

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #325 on: December 30, 2013, 02:04:32 pm »


Also:

A cowboy rides into town, his face chapped and raw from the wind. He dismounts at the saloon, walks his horse up, and to the astonishment of the men on the porch he jams his finger in the horse's ass, swirls it around, and wipes it on his lips. A man on the porch asks, "Is that some kinda cure for chapped lips?" The cowboy answers, "No, but it sure keeps me from lickin' 'em."

And then:

A young gunslinger is in the saloon getting shooting advice from the sheriff. The sheriff says, "Cut a notch in yer holster, son." and the kid asks "Will that make me draw faster?" to which the man nods. The kid pulls out a knife and cuts the notch, and sure enough when he draws and shoots the drink off the piano it's faster than ever. The piano man stops and the bar quiets, but when they realize it's over everything goes back to normal.

The youngster begs for more hot gunslinging tips. So the sheriff says, "Hang her gun belt just this way." and the kid asks excitedly, "Will that make me draw faster?" and the old man nods. The kid adjusts his belt, stands ready, and draws and shoots the tip jar off the piano.

The kid is real excited at this point. He asks if the sheriff can give him any more advice. The sheriff says, "Yeah, take some grease and cover the whole gun with it." The kid asks dubiously whether that'll help him draw faster. The sheriff replies, "No, but it'll sure make it easier on you when Wyatt Earp over at the piano shoves it up yer ass!"
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pisskop

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #326 on: January 29, 2014, 02:43:32 pm »

Quote from: Ghost of Watermark;1429687
damn if your bladder gets fucked up urine big trouble.

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Dutchling

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #327 on: January 29, 2014, 02:45:10 pm »

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TheBeardyMan

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #328 on: January 29, 2014, 04:06:11 pm »

Q: What did one tile say when the other tile offered him a glass of port?

A: No thanks, it's bad for my grout.
« Last Edit: January 29, 2014, 04:08:31 pm by TheBeardyMan »
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Yoink

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #329 on: January 29, 2014, 08:16:05 pm »

After a few dates, Ivan got down on one knee and proposed to his American girlfriend.
She said, "Now, let's not go russian into things..."
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