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[Darvi]

* <--Joke

o <-- My head

[RedKing]

Some of these will be going into my repertoire. Especially the Catholic and English/Irish/Scottish jokes.

Here's a long religious one that I've always liked:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Back in the Middle Ages, there was a Pope who decided that it was unacceptable that Jews should be living in Rome, the seat of the Holy Church. So he issued a decree that all Jews would be expelled from the city in three days' time, unless a representative of the Roman Jews could convince him otherwise. The people of the Jewish quarter were in despair. They agreed that someone must go plead their case to the Pope, but all were too afraid of the consequences of failure. Moreover, this Pope was known as a brilliant rhetorician and would be impossible to win a debate against.

Finally, an old rabbi named Herschel volunteered. He packed a small bag and went to the Vatican. There was one small problem -- Herschel spoke no Latin or Italian, only Yiddish, which the Pope did not speak. So it was agreed that the debate would be non-verbal.

The Pope began by holding up three fingers.
Herschel held up one finger.
The Pope paused, then gestured all around him.
Herschel pointed to the ground.
The Pope frowned, then finally produced a communion wafer from his vestments.
Herschel pulled an apple from his bag.

The Pope shook his head and said, "This man is truly brilliant. The Jews may stay."

After Herschel had left, the cardinals gathered around and asked, "We don't understand, your Holiness! What did he say??"

The Pope answered, "I began by pointing out the Holy Trinity, which the Jews do not believe in. He answered that we believe in the same One True God. Then I showed that God must truly favor the Church, because of all the beauty we have created. He answered that all these things are still of this earth. Then I showed him the body of Christ, in which we are redeemed of our sins, and he answered with an apple to remind me that we are linked in original sin. He had an answer for everything!"

Meanwhile, Herschel returned home with the Pope's written decree that they may stay. The people gathered around in awe. "What did you say to him, Rabbi?"

Herschel answered (and when telling this joke out loud, it helps to do this part in a heavy, Jackie Mason-style Jewish accent), "First...he said 'You have three days to get out!' So I said, 'Not one of us is leaving!' Then he said 'You can go anywhere else you want!' I said 'We are staying right here!'"

One of the other rabbis asked, "Then what happened?"

"I don't know...he took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

[Helgoland]

Anyone up for catholic priest/evangelical minister/jewish rabbi jokes?

A priest, a minister and a rabbi are sitting in a boat. The rabbi says: "I'm hungry, I'll go get something to eat." So he gets out walks to shore over the water. Then the priest says: "Wait, I'll come along!" So he too gets out and walks to shore. So the minister thinks to himself: "If they go, I'm not staying." He gets out - and sinks. Climbs back innto the boat, gets out again - and sinks. After this has gone on for a bit, the priest asks the rabbi: "Shouldn't we just tell him where the stones are?"

[pisskop]

You:  What Goes like  this (makes wave motion) and says "ehht ehht ehhtooo"?

victim: I don't know... What?

You:  I don't know either, but here it come again!

 

[RedKing]

Q:What did the Buddhist tell the hot dog cart guy?
A: Make me one with everything.

[kaenneth]

Thought this one up this morning,

They planned to have a Roast of comedian Patrice O'Neal, however he would not fit in the crematorium.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

He was very overweight; at the last Roast he was in they kept commenting about diabeetes, strokes, heart attacks...

[Facekillz058]

I have a semi-racist one for you.

How are Black people like Mexicans?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Once you know Juan you know Jamal.

[Pnx]

OK, just remembered an old classic.

A church priest is hiring a bell ringer, after searching around for a while he finally finds a man to do it, "Do you think you can ring our church bell? It's a heavy and stubborn old thing."
"No problem," says the man, "I've got a technique, I'll ring that bell like nobody else."
So the priest decides he wants to see this technique and takes the man to the bell tower. Much to the priest's surprise, the man takes a step back, runs towards the bell and head butts the bell, making it ring louder and clearer than the priest had ever heard it ring.
The priest is shocked and amazed, and asks to see it again, the man nods his head, steps back, makes a run at the bell, but misses and falls off the edge of the tower.
The priest rushes down to the front of the church and finds the dead body lying on the road with a crowd gathering around him. Someone in the crowd asks the priest, "Who was he?" The priest suddenly realises he never asked the man's name and says, "I don't know, but his face rings a bell."

[Mech#4]

There was a gravekeeper who wanted to be a pall bearer, but he just couldn't stop coffin.

[Yoink]

Oh man this is excellent, I shall have to read the rest of the thread some time. For now, I'm in a hurry.


What does a Polish man call his wife?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

A Poland chain.

Why did the Scot call bull?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Because he didn't realise it was an elephant.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs who swims across an ocean?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Clever.

[Starver]

What do you call a man with no arms or legs who swims across an ocean?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Clever.

Are you sure that's complete?  Usually it's "What do you call a man with no arms or legs [and sometimes head] who <does something>" with the answer...

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Clever Dick.

What do you call a Brummy who falls into water?

Spoiler: ...for which you need the accent (click to show/hide)

Doive!

[Reelya]

Two Irish woodcutters are looking of work, and they see a sign "Tree Fellers Wanted".

"Damn" says one, and they keep walking.

Spoiler: in case the listener doesn't get it. (click to show/hide)

"They want Tree Fellers and there's only two of us".

[Owlbread]

I took the shell off my racing snail to see if it went any faster. If anything it just made it a bit sluggish.

[Jimmy]

[Starver]

9, 92, 7, 7, 39!  (No, I'm not drawing that.  And Damn you, Fermi, it could have been 9, 100, 39!)