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[Ultimuh]

Some of these jokes are not that terrible.

[lordcooper]

How do put get ten babies in a bucket?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

With a blender.

How do you get them out again?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Doritos.

[Darvi]

That one already was here.

[SeriousConcentrate]

Yep. And it's kind of funny that the -6 spot modifier guy pointed that out.

[Knight of Fools]

Yep. And it's kind of funny that the -6 spot modifier guy pointed that out.

"I think I failed a spot check."

"Why? I don't see anything."

"Exactly."

[Darvi]

Hey, I can still beat a DC10 check about 25% of the time!

Also, I would contribute, but I don't want to get my existentialism all over the thread.

[SeriousConcentrate]

Contribute anyway. It's not like my sole joke was all that great.

[Knight of Fools]

Speaking of philosophy...

A masochist asks a sadist to punch him.

The sadist says "no".

[Imp]

I never went to band camp, but one day in band class our conductor told us a very long and extremely strange joke.  Here's a close recreation of it:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

A famous public aquarium in Texas spent years applying for permission to exhibit a pair of eagle dolphins, which are some of the rarest cetaceans in the world.  After more than a decade's patience and lobbying an expedition was funded and at last they were able to acquire a mated pair of these elusive and extremely rare whales.

The exhibit had been prepared for months before the whales arrived, and the date of the great grand opening to exhibit these special creatures was announced, but when the two whales reached the Aquarium they were both quite ill.  Antibiotics and exams were administered but no obvious cause of illness was found and the dolphins continued to decline.  An aborigine contacted the Aquarium and told them that his people had known and interacted with these whales throughout all their verbal history, and he knew what was wrong with the animals; the same problem that caused them to interact with his people throughout their history.

Despite being sea animals, these eagle porpoises required an unusual addition to their diet:  each needed to eat a living mynah bird every few years or it would perish in agony.  The whales had assisted the aborigine's clan in their fishing and accompanied their ocean-going vessels in exchange for a regular supply of still living mynah birds, and no other sort of bird or other food could provide whatever it was that these dolphins needed from them.

The Aquarium was skeptical about this strange story but their veterinarians and other specialists had already tried everything that should have worked to save these whales.  From the native's description of symptom progression, their brand new and extremely rare eagle dolphins were only hours from death.

Unfortunately, it was already quite late at night and mynah birds are not a very common animal in Texas.  After scores of phone calls a pet shop with mynah birds in stock was finally located.  The owner of this pet shop, which was located in New Mexico but fairly close to the Texas border, was sympathetic to the Aquarium's urgent need for these birds and agreed to immediately close his store and begin driving with the four birds towards the aquarium, as this was the fastest possible way to get the birds to the rare cetaceans which needed them immediately.

As the pet shop owner approached the Texas border he spotted emergency lights in his rear view mirror, and he pulled over to allow them to pass.  To his horror the several police cars were there for him and pulled to screaming stops around his car, their guns drawn and aimed at him before they even left their cars and ran to arrest him.

He was rapidly handcuffed and leg-ironed, his rights read and they began to walk him to a waiting squad car, when the store owner recovered his wits enough to demand to be told why he was being arrested.  The police sounded furious as they answered him,

"It's a felony to transport minors across state lines for illegal purposes"

[Flare]

Why are people so eager to pandas?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Because they look like abused women.

[Darvi]

I never went to band camp, but one day in band class our conductor told us a very long and extremely strange joke.  Here's a close recreation of it:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

A famous public aquarium in Texas spent years applying for permission to exhibit a pair of eagle dolphins, which are some of the rarest cetaceans in the world.  After more than a decade's patience and lobbying an expedition was funded and at last they were able to acquire a mated pair of these elusive and extremely rare whales.

The exhibit had been prepared for months before the whales arrived, and the date of the great grand opening to exhibit these special creatures was announced, but when the two whales reached the Aquarium they were both quite ill.  Antibiotics and exams were administered but no obvious cause of illness was found and the dolphins continued to decline.  An aborigine contacted the Aquarium and told them that his people had known and interacted with these whales throughout all their verbal history, and he knew what was wrong with the animals; the same problem that caused them to interact with his people throughout their history.

Despite being sea animals, these eagle porpoises required an unusual addition to their diet:  each needed to eat a living mynah bird every few years or it would perish in agony.  The whales had assisted the aborigine's clan in their fishing and accompanied their ocean-going vessels in exchange for a regular supply of still living mynah birds, and no other sort of bird or other food could provide whatever it was that these dolphins needed from them.

The Aquarium was skeptical about this strange story but their veterinarians and other specialists had already tried everything that should have worked to save these whales.  From the native's description of symptom progression, their brand new and extremely rare eagle dolphins were only hours from death.

Unfortunately, it was already quite late at night and mynah birds are not a very common animal in Texas.  After scores of phone calls a pet shop with mynah birds in stock was finally located.  The owner of this pet shop, which was located in New Mexico but fairly close to the Texas border, was sympathetic to the Aquarium's urgent need for these birds and agreed to immediately close his store and begin driving with the four birds towards the aquarium, as this was the fastest possible way to get the birds to the rare cetaceans which needed them immediately.

As the pet shop owner approached the Texas border he spotted emergency lights in his rear view mirror, and he pulled over to allow them to pass.  To his horror the several police cars were there for him and pulled to screaming stops around his car, their guns drawn and aimed at him before they even left their cars and ran to arrest him.

He was rapidly handcuffed and leg-ironed, his rights read and they began to walk him to a waiting squad car, when the store owner recovered his wits enough to demand to be told why he was being arrested.  The police sounded furious as they answered him,

"It's a felony to transport minors across state lines for illegal purposes"

So... are those dolphins or porpoises?

[Korbac]

I've never confused whales and dolphins on porpoise.

[Imp]

So... are those dolphins or porpoises?

Far as I know, no sort of 'eagle cetaceans' exist except in imagination, so I guess they're anything the joke teller wants them to be.  I never questioned the teacher's joke, but I did remember most of it for much of my life, and I did think it was an especially bad one.

[Starver]

Ok, here's an old one (maybe the first or second I ever remember being told to me by my dad, the other being the "My dog's got no nose..." one).  I'll even provide a link on the answer to explain the reference it to anyone who needs it.  (Almost everyone, I expect.)

Q: What sits at the bottom of the sea and sings "Give Me The Moonlight"?
A: Frankie Prawn.

[Aptus]

I cast off these mortal constraints called words and enter the digital age!

Spoiler (click to show/hide)