THE ASSAULT ON THE DINONEST: TURN THIRTEEN!
WHAT'S THIS?
IS IT THE SOUND OF APPROACHING SOFT JAZZ?
...The forces confronting the brave bowienauts are vast.
A thousand Romans.
Untold flying emus.
A moat full of stingrays.
DinoHITLER.
Heinrich HAMSTER.
Joseph GERBILS even if he hates being called that now.
A TV CREW with an Australian CROCODILE.
Paul McCartney rides the albatross toward Dinohitler, firing wildly. Amazing the things hallucinogens can do!
"Let's gittem, Betsy!"THE BOWIENAUTS HAVE PAUL MCCARTNEY, RIDING HIS WAR ALBATROSS.
…But the albatross is totally out of control, mate! The sixteen machine guns in his wings blaze away like gods of albatross warfare, streaking down towards dinoHITLER in an alba-rage, hurtling towards the flock of flying emus and crashing to the ground in a storm of exploding albatross and emu feather!
Over half of the flying emus are destroyed in one giant mushroom ball of exploding albatross fuel: the rest angrily surround Paul McCartney as he floats gently to the ground under his Beatles-chute!
George and Ringo fight their way through the Roman legion using violent musical techniques until they stand by their friend’s side.
Back to back the threesome face the circle of everclosing flying emus.
Suddenly the shadow of ENORMOCROCKETT looms large over the cave.
Bust the hell out of this cage and wrestle the nearest crocodile, mate, strewth!
Stevo doesn’t wanna drown! He don’t wanna die! He just wants to wrestle crocs and say crikey, mate!
…He busts the crap out of that cage and leaps at his evil croco-captor –
…he subdues the little blighter and rides him like a pony!
Stevo starts revving the engine! He can get that croc right up to fifty, mate! Strewth!
Miaoul the Randomly Selected Enemy!
Schrödinger’s Cat suddenly turns into THREE Schrödinger’s Cats! Hissing and arching his or her back it leaps towards Ares the Roman Legionnaire, opens its fearsome jaws,
…and hacks up an enormous miniature black hole!
Ares the Roman Legionnaire is sucked into the black hole and as everybody knows when you get sucked into a black hole you explode in a massive ball of antimatter!
Shards of extremely dense Roman Legionnaire fly through the ranks of Romans, showering everything around with blood and nudity!
About three hundred Romans collapse to the ground bleeding and groaning.
The nearest Sequinometer registers HIGH on the sequin scale!
Hulkimedes: Smash Plotimportant enemies
Archimedes: Kindly request a miracle.
Realising that the exploding antimatter Roman was about to stab him to death a bit, Archimedes decides not to explain about actual real physics and mathematics and overcomplicatedness!
Perhaps next turn!
Instead he beholdens yon HULKIMEDES to go forth and prosper, traveling onwards until he doth become a master in the art of smashing the crap out of plotimportant bad guys!
...This goes pretty well for him! Sneaking along as well as a HULKIMEDES might, he suddenly sneaks into the night time toilet of Paul McCartney – and finds a hideous pair of nazis who are hopefully dinosaurs but who knows!
...Otto the Nazi dodges HULKIMEDES' right hook!
But this just gets him ANGRIER!
HULKIMEDES headbutts Jochen the sidekick nazi's guts off!
Jochen the sidekick nazi instableeds to death!
Meanwhile, Archimedes looks on with quiet approval, secretly admiring the wanton bloodlust of his erstwhile other self, and formulates his cunning plan.
He prays for a miracle!
...It doesn't really wor- OH WAIT
SUDDENLY THERE IS THE ROAR OF ENGINES!
”Hey, ladies…”
”Cave, DinoHitler, Rex Dinosaurorum! Celeriter vincam te! Sed tincidunt quam flere Pimpmobile invidia. Præparamini!”Two hundred and seventy two of the remaining Romans fall to the floor, overcome with lust and seduction!
IT'S THE HOLY ROMAN PIMPERATOR!
Remove the bandages! Assail the enemies with my ENORMOTRIPLEARMLEGUPSIDEDOWNFACEFACE! Attempt to catch a reflection of my face in a legionnaire shield, and sweep them away with a horrible tide of ENORMOVOMIT!
The sound of stomping echoes across the battlefield.
‘Tis ENORMOCROCKETT, MONSTROUS KING OF THE WILD FRONTIER!
Oh crap.
He strides over the Pimpmobile.
”Sup, Davy! Nice face, boet!””Yup. Even though it's changed a bit I think you're gonna recognise it,” warns Crockett.
”It's the face of Texan freedom.”He’s unwrapping his face.
”I suggest you look away, oh pimperator.”…Four hundred and twenty eight Romans.
…Half the untold flying emus.
…A moat full of stingrays.
…DinoHITLER himself.
…Heinrich HAMSTER.
…Joesph GERBILS.
…A TV CREW.
ALL BEAR WITNESS TO:
The Four hundred and twenty eight Romans resist! Half of the untold flying emus all do little babysicks in their mouths! It's distracts them heavily next turn! The moat full of stingrays vomits! The stingrays leap out of the sick-filled moat onto dry land, and retch till their throats hurt! About half of them choke to death! DinoHITLER throws up his breakfast all over his shoes! His OCD gives him serious gyp! Heinrich Hamster is partially in another dimension. HE EVADES THE HORRIBLE VOMIT INDUCER! Unlike his colleague in HEINOUS NAZISAURDOM: JOSEPH GERBILS PUKES OUT HIS LEFT KIDNEY! HE STARTS TO BLEED!
Luckily the TV crew are mostly OK, and continue filming.
…For ENORMOCROCKETT doth catch a glimpse of his own face in the shiny part of the nearest Roman’s shield!
…Four hundred and twenty eight Romans.
…Half the untold flying emus.
…A moat full of stingrays.
…DinoHITLER himself.
…Heinrich HAMSTER.
…Joesph GERBILS.
…A TV CREW.
There's a tectonic vomit event! It's like 7.8 on the Rod Steiger scale!
A couple hundred of the Romans are washed away in a tsunami of sick!
The half of the flying emus ARE NEVER SEEN AGAIN! Their bodies are totally digested!
The stingray realise they have leapt out of the frying pan full of vomit into the fire of harder vomit!
They die of vomit!
DinoHITLER is swept backwards a hundred feet, smashing marble columns and expensive French furniture like so much easily breakable stuff. His 4 is 3 and his 1 is 5!
Wound Acquired: DinoHITLER:
FRACTURED GUTS!Wound Acquired: DinoHITLER:
SEVERED FACE!Heinrich HAMSTER uses his other dimension to totally avoid the tide of gutspume!
Joseph GERBILS... JOSEPH GERBILS HAD JUST OPENED HIS MOUTH TO SPEAK! HIS MOUTH IS FILLED WITH CROCKOVOM!
HIS THROAT IS FILLED WITH AMERICAN DIGESTIONARY JUICE!
HIS GUTS ARE FILLED WITH THE CONTENTS OF DAVY CROCKETT'S GUTS!
BOOM!
The exploding Joseph GERBILS annihilates the film crew, destroying the moment for posterity!
Action: Sneak into McCartney's toilet at night and become a sign:
Avoiding the flood of vomit by being behind ENORMOCROCKETT, like the other people not mentioned above, apart from Paul McCartney, who we will get to shortly, and Otto van Dino, to whom we will also get shortly, the surviving nazi sneaky dino thing sneaks into McCartney's toilet and
...is so distracted by nearly falling in and down the toilet he forgets to transform into a sign!
Action: Otto bites HORRIBLE FACE GUY! Also, if the Squad Leader ability is accepted, he summons his squad and orders them to attack.
...Just then Otto van Dino, to whom we have finally got, leaps out of his hiding place in ENORMOCROCKETT's ENORMOPOCKETS, and strikes Davy hard in the guts! They bleed severely!
Otto van Dino shouts some kind of dinonazi stuff and three of his dinohomies appear! Also in Crockett's pockets!
Wound Acquired: Davy ENORMOCROCKETT:
Severely Bleeding Guts!Stab archimedes
Ares goes to stab Archimedes, but lost initiative and died about five pages back! Them's the breaks!
About a minute ago, Paul McCartney looked up to see ENORMOCROCKETT remove his bandages from his hideous face.
Oh dear.
...He retches all down his nice clothes! He tries to hold it in, but can't! His cheeks burst gutfroth all over his treasured guitar!
He looks up to the sky in despair!
He sees the approaching wave of vomit just in time!
...He whips out his speedoguts, and uses their amazing elasticity to capture all of the vomit headed his way and store it for later!
He smells pretty bad!
HAMSTER BALL OF DOOM GO
[color=a really nazi colour]
"Mein dinoFUHRER!!”[/color] shouts a sudden voice.
"Beware! Assassins! I shall save you!”It's HEINRICH HAMSTER, MOST VOMIT RESISTANT NAZI HENCHMAN OF HISTORY.
...He spits out a terrible ball of doom from his massive nazi hamster cheeks!
Schrödinger’s Cat is smashed to smithereens!
Wound Acquired: Schrödinger’s Cat:
DEATH!Three Roman Legionnaires are crushed to tiny pieces!
DinoHITLER himself is fractured in the leg!
The RIGHT leg!
Now he'll have to depend on his most communist leg!
Wound Acquired: DinoHITLER:
FRACTURED RIGHT LEG!And I think the final victim of Heinrich HAMSTER and this turn is Otto van Dino, both of whose legs are blasted off at the knee!
Wound Acquired: Otto van Dino:
SEVERED LEGS!
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:Paul: +2 Beatle Bonus
Davy: Giant Stature Bonus: +2 to being hit; +3 to strength rolls.
Player: Talarion
Name: Steve Irwin, Level Five Legendary Crocodile Hunter
Status: Covered in sick. -1 to arms, legs, and faces.
Inventory: Khaki Coloured Sequinned Shorts, Mate!,
Bionic Right Ear.
Wounds: [HP: 10/100] |
Severed Arm! |
Severed Left Leg! |
Severed Face!Skills: Croc Wrestler,
Flying Emu Crocodile Takedown Move,
Croc-rider,
Loads’a blood, mate! Acrocalypse Now,
Oh Shit Is That... Player: freeformschooler
Name: Paul McCartney, Level Five Legendary Beatle
Status: -1 to athletic movement. +1 to impressing the ladies. Facially covered in sick. Has a lot of sick in his speedoguts.
Inventory: 100% Sequin Acoustic Guitar,
Speedoguts! Clayboard,
KEYBOARD LEG.
Wounds: [HP:75/75] |
Titanium Guts! |
Right Leg Pimp Limp!Skills: The Power of Gentle Loving,
That's a Catchy Tun-arrgh!,
Frog Chorus,
Reverse Polarisation,
It’s Getting Better All The Time,
Bring out the Band!,
I'm Not a Fighter, Man! Player: Toaster
Name: Davy Crockett, Level Five Terror Knight of Lumithos
Status: Alternatively Armed. -2 to arms. Covered in sick. ENORMOUS.
Inventory: Bowie Knife,
Boone,
Facial Protection Catmask,
Miaowskin-facehat, severed arm (in face), severed left arm (in face), severed right arm (in face), severed left (?) leg (in face), severed face (on face, but the wrong way round),
Triplearmlegupsidedownfaceface! Fully Automatic Shoulder Mounted Tank Turret,
The White Speedo of Lumithos,
Rocket Mono-Segway.
Wounds: [HP:49/75] |
Severed Left Arm! |
Severed Right Arm! |
Broken Face! |
Severely Bleeding Guts!Skills: Crack Shot,
Ohio Leap,
MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT,
Multikilll!,
Butter His Head,
You May All Go to Hell... Player: 10ebbor10
Name: Archimedes of Syracuse, Level Five Legendary Philosopher
Status: Covered in sick.
Inventory: A Remarkably Good Approximation of Pi, PPSh-41 Submachine Gun, two clips,
Chinese first aid kit,
M60 Machine Gun,
Medical Water Elemental Left Arm.
Wounds: [HP:75/75]Skills: Archimedes Squared! Multiply This! Literal Mathemagics,
Archimedes Heat Ray,
Hippocratic Oath,
Absent Minded! Player: 10ebbor10
Name: Archimedes of Syracuse, Level Five Legendary Philosopher
Status: -1 to legs and -2 to dodging. HULKIMEDES DOESN'T REQUIRE LEGS OR DODGING.
Inventory: PPSh-41 Submachine Gun, two clips,
Chinese first aid kit,
M60 Machine Gun,
Medical Water Elemental Left Arm.
Wounds: [HP:65/75] |
Broken Leg! |
Fractured Ribs!Skills: Archimedes Squared! Multiply This! Literal Mathemagics,
Archimedes Heat Ray,
Hippocratic Oath,
Absent Minded! Player: Tiruin
Name: Erwin Schrödinger’s Cat, Level Five Quantum Caticist
Status: Covered in sick. Attached to a flying Paul McCartney.
Inventory: Quantum Mechanics, Vol. I, Spectacles.
Wounds: [HP:10/10]Skills: Nine EightSevenSixFiveFourThree Lives,
Quantum Cat,
Master of Uncertainty,
Quantum Fur Balls,
Cat Reflexes,
Cat Sized,
Sickly Player: monk12
Name: Heinrich Hamster, Level Five and a Half Nazi Hamster Mecha
Status:Inventory:Wounds: [HP:180/200] |
Fractured Chest! |
Gnawed Face!Skills: Cleverly Named Extra HP Buff! Hamster Ball of Doom! Hamster Warren! Adorable Nazi HamHam! Exploding Minions! Giant Teeth! Cheese Berseker! Player:Name: DINOHITLER, CHIEF OF ALL EVIL
Status: -1 to dodge, -1 to face, -1 to movement
Inventory: spare moustache
Wounds: [HP:230/250] |
FRACTURED RIGHT LEG! |
FRACTURED GUTS! |
SEVERED FACE!Skills: RINGO STARR ACTIVATED: Wounds: [HP: 100/100]
GEORGE HARRISON ACTIVATED: Wounds: [HP: 100/100]
Roman Legion: 225 left
Flying Emu Squadron: DEAD
Stingrays: DEAD
I think doing that turn gave me brainherpes
Author
Topic: The Magnificent Timelord - Epilogued (Read 248750 times)