TURN FOURTEEN!
Delay-related recap…
Somewhere in the jungle, on a different Earth and in a different Time, Archimedes of Syracuse, Archimedes of Syracuse (or did he just bump his head?), Davy Crockett, Paul McCartney, Steve Irwin on a half-god and, for some reason, three Erwin Schrödingers, are outside Schrödinger’s box filled lair, facing off with Hugh Grant, partially DinoHitler’s mum. Their mission? To assassinate Hugh Grant, and thereby save the other Earth from a nightmare of eternal Evil!
Somewhere in the jungle…
Fix everything. (Get clothes, Heal crocket, myself and others), Deploy laser and several other things.
“Hello there!”
“What?”
“I said hello there!”
“Gosh. You’re me! I… er… the um… er… Blimey, sorry. Felt a bit English for a moment there.”
“Oh come on, we’ve learnt the correct modern phrase for this situation! No need to dither!”
“Ah yes. Crikey, mate!”
“Quite. See, this is what happens when you meddle with things with which you're not supposed to meddle. I told / will tell / will have told you it would happen.”
“What?”
“For more information see the Time Traveler's Handbook of 1001 Tense Formations by Dr Dan Streetmentioner.”
“Oh. Right. That. Never got very far with it, I’m afraid. Extremely dull.”
“Now get to work, you’ve got fixing to do, me!”
“What?”
“Oh, come on! It’s only quantum physics mixed with time travel. Piece of cake, what? I say, you’re quite naked. I’d forgotten about that. I mean I was going to forget. Or… blast. Anyway, here, have a new dress. I mean robe. This one’s not made of dinosaur skin, but it still works. I won’t need it where I’m from.”
“Aha. Thanks. You won’t… what? Never mind. Care to lend me a hand?”Taking time out from their hectic conversation schedule,
Archimedes and Archimedes start fixing Archimedes,
…expertly wrapping a considerable length of bandage around Archimedes’ head and stopping th-
“Blast. Wrong me. I’m not even slightly bleeding, never mind heavily!”
“Oh well, no time to waste! Let’s fix Crockett, you! Me!”
“Jesus!”
“Who?”
“Never mind. What the hell is wrong with this man?”
“Oh. Right. Him. Falling dinonads.”
“Oh yes. I will have forgotten. I am forgetting. I will did… blast. Let’s get the bloody bandage on the right head this time shall we?”…Archimedes and Archimedes just about manage to staunch the flow of blood pouring out of
Davy Crockett’s face! And there was much rejoicing!
“Aren’t you forgetting something?”
“Who?”
“Me?”
“What?”
“My laser! Put the damn laser out!”
…”Blast. No time now. You know, I think I may have banged my head on that tree back there.”Try to keep control of Terry, aiming towards Dino-Hugh, as before.
"Crikey... sorry, mate, but it's gotta be done!" shouts
Stevo to
Hugh Grant as he struggles to keep
Terry the Half-God fully wrestled. He charges straight at Hugh Grant atop Terry’s head! He kicks the side of Terry’s head with his heels! But then!
Terry uses whatever strength his little arms and might legs can muster to get up off the ground and get Irwin off his bloody head, and DOUBLE TEAM FROGINATOR AND STOMPATRON towards Davy Crockett! And Schrödinger! And, well, pretty much all of them.
“FROGINATORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!” yells
Terry, the Half-God.
“DAMN YOU, IRWIN! DAMN YOU TO HELL! EAT MY FROGS, SUCKER!”Contorting in a very strange way which would suggest he is trying to stare at the top of his head, Terry the Half-God suddenly opens his horrible jaws,
…spewing forth a terrifying rain of mega-frogs!
One evil frog, the
…size of a small yet vicious poodle, rains directly upwards, landing right in front of
Steve Irwin, still atop Terry’s hideous head. It immediately tries to bite Stevo in the face!
…Stevo dodges the megafrog, and dodges right off Terry’s head!
He tumbles a thousand feet to the ground,
…landing next to
Hugh Grant on a nearby megafrog the size of a cow.
…He slides off and it tries to chew his leg!
…Desperately struggling away from the cow-sized frog’s grasp, Stevo looks up to see his companions also beset by a herd of megafrogs!
…Paul is being viciously assaulted by a frog the size of a labrador
who punches him in the guts! Countering with an overhead blow from his acoustic, Paul McCartney …crushes the megafrog to smithereens!
…A short distance away stand the three Erwin Schrödingers. A cat-sized frog attacks! And totally rips one of the holographic projections apart! There are now only two Erwin Schrödingers!
…Davy, meanwhile, is staring down a frog the size of a small house. A true megafrog. It flashes a vicious claw at his well-toned and naked guts.
…‘Tis but a flesh wound! Davy fights back, but, upon reaching for his trusty knife, realises he’s left it in the thousand foot tall megafrog-projecting half-god!
…Blast!
…Archimedes is more fortunate and, expertly taking the pain of his similarly sized megafrog’s uppercut, he smacks the damn frog in the face with the butt of his m60 machine gun! As he spins round to check on his companions, he spots the horrifying sight of
Hugh Grant …devouring
…a poodle sized megafrog in one foul bite, the last leg slithering down like a slimy massive green slug.
Joyous at the carnage his megafrog rain is causing, Terry decides to STOMPATRON the puny humans into a sticky mess and
…promptly falls over dead with severe blood loss!
…Luckily for all nearby, he only STOMPINATES a thousand foot tall length of jungle in a totally harmless direction!
Hidden action: Catsploitator > Nearest humanoid figure.
"Dear me. It's like all my secrets are being unravelled. Unintentionally!" gasps an increasingly irritated and confused
Schrödinger. What are these pesky humans doing here? What on earth is
he doing here? These idiots are trying to hurt science!
"I am sorry, humans. But you have delved into my knowledge for far too long. You will have to pay. My science could have removed every last ounce of evil from Hitler’s twisted wart-ridden body, and you have ruined everything! You have created this… this… madness! YOU have created Hugh Grant! YOU! And you shall pay! WITH CATS!"So saying, Erwin Schrödinger, master of cats, shoots a cat
…right into
Davy Crockett’s …face! His recently repaired broken face! It flies off in an arc!
Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett: Severed Face!
Be confused!
“Chieftess? What happened to you, your Dinosauressness? My God, the fiend who did this to you will pay! But who did this?! You, bowienauts? I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST YOU! I held back my entire tribe from attacking you, and you do this?! Or was it you, box-man? WHAT’S HAPPENING?! WHY!”Edward the Tyrannosaurus Cat falls to the floor and cries, his face hidden in his ridiculous undersized hands.
Fire smoke everywhere!
"Regroup, men!" shouts
Davy Crockett, standing his ground bravely in the face of the megafrog assault and the loss of his face.
"Fall back on me!!"His sight clearly obscured with the blood flowing all over them, he fires
…half a dozen smoke shells into the ground around his feet, and completely disappears from view. Soon the only trace of him is some rather violent coughing.
From afar, Paul plays a HEALING DITTY for Davy while looking for another bush to jump behind.
"Oh, oh bother. Hugh Grant? I watched your movies on the Bowie Ship's Transdimensional Tellybox back during the intermission! Now you're telling us we gotta take you down? Bother.”Paul notices
Davy disappearing in a cloud of smoke.
"I say, TRIPLE BOTHER! Davy, hold on now, don't be a hero! Quickly, open your ears and your heart, man!"
Davy!
We love you, man!
Davy!
You can get better, yes you can!
Davy!”…From somewhere in the cloud of smoke there is a dull thud. It sounds like… it sounds like the dull thud of a limb hitting the ground!
Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett:
Severed Right Arm!…Filled with shame, Paul jumps into a bush, a particularly sharp thorn stabbing his eye out as he lands.
Wound Acquired: Paul McCartney:
Stabbed Out Right Eye!”I… er… the… um…”
Hugh Grant is confused. He never wanted to be DinoHitler’s mum. But he is! And he will fight with all his maternal instincts to protect his progeny!
But…
Fight his old mucker
Stevo? His fellow floppy-hairophile
Paul? Can he bring himself to do it? Or will he even have to? Will he just be able to sit and watch his would-be destroyers destroy themselves with music and bushes?
No.
Surely not.
He finishes eating the large frog that has just attacked him and turns his attentions to Steve Irwin.
“Stevo!” he bellows.
“I’m sorry.”Hugh Grant launches his floppy hair directly at Steve Irwin!
…Stevo throws himself out of the way, and the hair bounces back off the ground
…and smacks Hugh in the face!
There’s a sudden and horrible dinosaury roar of anger, and then Hugh Grant clears his throat.
“I… er… the um… er…”
“No, Hugh!”
“I… ah…”
“Don’t do it, Hugh!”
“The… um… really? Hmm…”
“Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!”
“I… um… the er…!”Suddenly, driven mad by Hugh Grant’s terrifying English politeness, Steve Irwin charges forward and leaps at
Archimedes!
The naked Australian starts wrestling the newly-clothed ancient Greek!
…Luckily, no one is harmed!
Yet!
Everyone is just outside Schrödinger’s compound, which is composed of many boxes and portacabins and frog carcasses.
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:None.
Player: Talarion
Name: Steve Irwin, Level Four Veteran Crocodile Hunter
Status: Naked. Temporarily mad!
Inventory: Khaki Shorts, Mate,
Bionic Right Ear.
Wounds: [HP: 100/100]Skills: Croc Wrestler,
Flying Emu Crocodile Takedown Move,
Croc-rider,
Loads’a blood, mate! Oh Shit Is That... Player: freeformschooler
Name: Paul McCartney, Level Four Veteran Beatle
Status: -1 to athletic movement. +1 to impressing the ladies. -1 to eyes. Covered in blood and sick.
Inventory: Acoustic Guitar,
Speedoguts! Clayboard,
KEYBOARD LEG.
Wounds: [HP:70/75] |
Titanium Guts! |
Right Leg Pimp Limp! |
Stabbed Out Right Eye!Skills: The Power of Gentle Loving,
That's a Catchy Tun-arrgh!,
Frog Chorus,
Reverse Polarisation,
It’s Getting Better All The Time,
I'm Not a Fighter, Man! Player: Toaster
Name: Davy Crockett, Level Four Veteran King of the Wild Frontier
Status: Naked. -1 to melee. -1 to legs. -1 to further facial wounds. -1 to face.
Inventory: Bowie Knife,
Boone,
Facial Protection Catmask,
Miaowskin-facehat, severed left arm (in face),
Doublearmlegface! Fully Automatic Shoulder Mounted Tank Turret,
The White Speedo of Lumithos,
Rocket Mono-Segway.
Wounds: [HP:6/75] |
Severed Left Arm! |
Broken Right Arm! |
Severed Leg! |
Broken Face! |
Severed Face! |
Severed Right Arm!Skills: Crack Shot,
Ohio Leap,
MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT,
Multikilll! You May All Go to Hell... Player: 10ebbor10
Name: Archimedes of Syracuse, Level Four Veteran Philosopher
Status: Covered in sick. Dressed. -1 to Leg. -1 to Movement.
Inventory: A Remarkably Good Approximation of Pi, PPSh-41 Submachine Gun, two clips,
Chinese first aid kit,
M60 Machine Gun,
Medical Water Elemental Left Arm.
Wounds: [HP:35/75] |
Stone Leg!|
Smashed Head! |
Gashed HeadSkills: Multiply This! Literal Mathemagics,
Archimedes Heat Ray,
Hippocratic Oath,
Absent Minded! Player: Tiruin
Name: Erwin Schrödinger, Quantum Physicist
Status: One of two Schrödingers!
Inventory: Quantum Mechanics, Vol. IWounds: [HP:75/75]Skills: Catsploitator,
Master of Cats,
Theorist of Uncertainty,
Master of Uncertainty,
Sickly Name: Hugh Grant and the Dino-Chieftess (DinoHITLER’s mum)
Status: Conjoined by Quantum Physics
Inventory: Floppy Hair,
Massive ClawsWounds: [HP:175/175]Skills: Floppy Hair,
I… er… the um… er,
LAZERDEATHEYES,
Dino Chieftess,
English Edward The Tyrannosaurus Cat: 09/100. | Lower Body Turned to a Paste!
Joe the Lone Dinocat: 10/10 (Still choking on a small piece of sick that got caught on his fur)
Suggestions taken for Hugh Grant.
Author
Topic: The Magnificent Timelord - Epilogued (Read 247469 times)