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[Toaster]

The same thing we do every night, Pinky...

[JackoftheBox]

The same thing we do every night, Pinky...

Trying to write a turn?

Turn 10: What now?

Len:

After greeting Joshua and Hilda, Len looks for a comfortable looking place and rests his wound, all the while practicing his forging (signatures) skills.

You find yourself a nice floursack filled corner, take some sacks, place them to the ground to get a comfortable resting place. After the bed is ready you lay down and write a few quick signatures. then copy them, and write a few new ones, and so on. It crosses your mind that it would be more effective to train with real signatures, but you doubt that anyone is willing to write their own for you. [4] You make some progress. Your fake signatures are starting to look quite good, but are still far from perfect or even good enough to really put in use.

Hilda:

Find somewhere to have a bath and get all pleasantly clean, and make a mental note to head to the Thirsty Badger next Monday. Then echo Joshua's question - what shall we do?

After wondering a while around this tavern, not managing to see even a glimpse of a bath, you find yourself asking about it from the tavern keeper. He gladly shows you where it's located and provides you with all the necessary items to use it. You take your time and enjoy the bath. After cleaning up you go back to downstairs to meet Marcus and ask him about what to do now. He gives you his infamous murderous glance, staying silent as a grave.

Joshua:

Joshua kicked back for a few moments and looked up at Marcus. "So... what do we do now, eh?"

You try to pass some time, but get bored quite quickly, so you decide to ask about what to do now from Marcus. "I don't know. Do whatever you want, I'll tell you about your next assignment tomorrow when all have returned." He replies to your question. That didn't leave you satisfied at all.

Derm:

Ninja up the side of a nearby building like I had done before. Escape, and find an appraiser.

[6] You ninja your way up the building, all the way to the roof, leaving the guys who tried to rob you stunned with awe. To your bad luck there seems to be an archer on the roof. He immediately notices you and yells " Assassin!", aims at you with his bow and shoots, [2] missing horribly. [4] You manage to get away from his field of vision, and escape succesfully. It's starting to get dark so you try to check for a place where to appraise your goods. [2] Apparently they all have closed up for today.

Spoiler: micelus - Len (click to show/hide)

Name: Len
Age: 26
Gender: Male
Bio: -
Description: -
Traits:
Strained leg: -1 to actions involving speed or acrobatics - Temporary

HP: 5/10
Armor: Clothes (0)
Weapon: Dagger (1-2)

Assets:
Debt of 20gp
Dagger
Clothes
Ravaged hat

Location: Guildhouse

Spoiler: lawastooshort - Hilda Slurn (click to show/hide)

Name: Hilda Slurn
Age: 24
Gender: Female
Bio: Hilda has a background in dance, but had to leave her dance school for reasons she tends not to talk about. She still has a dancer's silhouette though, and likes to wear skin tight red clothing. She also has a dancer's agility. She has a disarmingly pleasant smile and totally isn't an accidental psychopath. That's someone else.
Description: -
Traits:
Contact - City guards officer Willis: If you get caught in Karkarth, a certain someone is there to guarantee that some of your crimes might go unpunished.

HP: 10
Armor: Red clothes (0)
Weapon: Dagger (1-2)

Assets:
Debt remaining: 15g 7s 5c
Dagger
Red clothes

Location: Guildhouse

Spoiler: freeformschooler - Joshua Turnway (click to show/hide)

Name: Joshua Turnway
Age: 21
Gender: Male
Bio: Before the age of twenty, Joshua lived out his life as a common trader. However, after a string of serial murders ended with the death of his daughter, Joshua left his wife and joined the Thieves Guild to track down and exact revenge on his daughter's killer. He has an affinity will judging motives.
Description: -
Traits: -

HP: 10
Armor: Clothes (0)
Weapon: Dagger (1-2)

Assets:
Debt remaining: 15g 7s 5c
Dagger
Clothes
Feather hat

Location: Guildhouse

Spoiler: dermonster - Derm Umbra (click to show/hide)

Name: Derm Umbra
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Bio: -
Description: -
Traits: -

HP: 10
Armor: Clothes (0)
Weapon: Dagger (1-2)

Assets:
Debt of 20gp
Dagger
Clothes
A bag full of rocks
Light purse - silver and copper coins of unknown type
Location: Merchants district

[freeformschooler]

Walk around the area and try to get to know some of the other thieves. Figure out who your best competition will be.

Spoiler: Note to Jack (click to show/hide)

This is really excellent so far. You're a pro at writing scenarios that immerse the players. The only thing you have trouble with is dialogue, and I used to make these tiny mistakes all the time (still do sometimes), so I'm just lending some minor advice.

You try to pass some time, but get bored quite quickly, so you decide to ask about what to do now from Marcus. "I don't know. Do whatever you want, I'll tell you about your next assignment tomorrow when all have returned." He replies to your question. That didn't leave you satisfied at all.

Narrative around dialogue can be confusing, but generally stating an action related to dialogue is best made before the dialogue itself, like this.

He replies to your question: "I don't know. Do whatever you want, I'll tell you about your next assignment tomorrow when all have returned."

Since the narrative sentence is only six words you can get away with a colon. Otherwise it's a comma, like I'll demonstrate here:

He immediately notices you and yells " Assassin!"

Instead, it would be

He immediately notices you and yells, "Assassin!"

Of course, you could have used a colon there, too, as commas are generally optional when the pre-dialogue narratives are 6 words or less. Nobody's anal about that, though. Additionally, since the dialogue ends in punctuation, you can get away with the next word starting a sentence.

He immediately notices you and yells, "Assassin!" He then aims at you with his bow and shoots,

These aren't gripes, just interesting advice. I struggle with dialogue myself. Clearing out (obvious) grammar mistakes can make a good turn just a little better.

[lawastooshort]

Enquire discreetly around the area if there are any suppliers of... equipment.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

I also find dialogue hardest and think freeform's advice is good. I also agree that this is very good

[JackoftheBox]

Thanks for the feedback and tips. I really struggle with the grammar as my native languages grammar has nothing in common with english. Also I haven't ever really studied english, just done all that was required in the school, nothing extra, but I do read most novels in english.

And about the dialogue. I've sometimes felt that they don't fit when proofreading, but never really figured out what's wrong in it.

[freeformschooler]

I guess the main rule is that if you feel like your dialogue "stops" the narrative in its tracks when proofreading, you've probably missed something.

I've done worse, though. Like, for a long time I would write "* said" or "said *" after nearly EVERY. PIECE. OF DIALOGUE. This is one of the main problems that creates Said Bookism, as the writer will proofread, find the "said"s repetitive, and try to use synonyms. Which I also did.

[Dermonster]

Head back to base, hope to whatever deities that may or may not exist that these coins are worth something.

[micelus]

Look around the base and find out the names of the people and see if their are any services available (vendors, medics, etc.)

[lawastooshort]

Said Bookism, as the writer will proofread, find the "said"s repetitive, and try to use synonyms. Which I also did.

This is fun if you aren't being serious though. Nice link freeform, thanks. Also, I couldn't write this well in my second language. Nice.


I liked this


p.s. sorry for getting a bit off topic...

[JackoftheBox]

There most likely won't be a turn today, as the parts to my new computer have finally arrived and I need to take the hard drive from this old PC, format, install new Windows, get them drivers etc etc.

[JackoftheBox]

I'm sorry that no turn came up. Now I'm going to be busy with Christmas preparations, the event itself, and my brothers having birthday after it. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten this and plan to revive it early January.