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[cochramd]

Dear Various Animal Trainers:

You seem to understand that when I tell you to train a wild animal or train something for war or hunting, I mean RIGHT BLOODY NOW. That is good. However, this understanding does not seem to apply to already trained infants, and that is quite upsetting. I've learned to be merely annoyed or frustrated by things of this caliber, but as I see it, putting off the training of baby creatures make less sense than doing so for adult creatures, and that bumps it up to 'upsetting'. After all, an adult you know you'll just have to train again later, but an infant? Train it now, and you'll never have to train it again! Well, there's war and hunting training, but you know what I'm getting at. And just in case you don't, here it is: if you wait too long to train an infant, it will grow up and you be stuck training it over and over again for the rest of its life instead of just training it once, twice if it needs war or hunting training. Oh, and then you'll have to train all its children if it's a female. And on top of all that, I will be displeased because I will have a trained animal where I could have a tame one instead. And as valuable as you are, there are plenty of ways I can make your life miserable without any loss of productivity.....now get back to work. Those giant bats only take one year to reach adulthood!

[Raikaria]

Dear Urist Mc Animal Trainers:

I assigned that Emu to be trained. There are seven of you with the labor enabled who do odd other jobs like smoothing and milking. I know most of you were doing no jobs. Not even hauling.

So why is the Emu running wild around my fort pecking eyes out?

===

Dear Urist Mc Baby

Why are you in my Turkey Farm? Why are you starving and dehydrated? Why is your mother not picking you up? Why are you dead? One Dwarf has died so far and that was a winer to a cave crocodile. Said miner did not have children; and he died about 25 Z-levels down from where you are.

===

Dear Urist Mc War Dog

Oh wow; you are vicious. I merely stationed you there to scare off Gremlins and as bait for crocodiles, and instead you burst out of your assigned area and maul two Troglodytes to death, while a crocodile sees you, and ignores you and the gremlins clearly thinking 'i want none of this' and promptly walks into a cage trap.

Well done. Tell me who trained you so I can give them a promotion.

Now excuse me while I set your pasture a bit futher back... out of line of sight of useful animals you may savage before they reach the cages, and so you do not cause 'terrified' cancellations from my Dwarves seeing the Troglodyte corpses.

[Eric Blank]

Dear Urist Mc Animal Trainers:

I assigned that Emu to be trained. There are seven of you with the labor enabled who do odd other jobs like smoothing and milking. I know most of you were doing no jobs. Not even hauling.

So why is the Emu running wild around my fort pecking eyes out?

Sounds like they trained it really well, in tormenting their grudges.

[endlessblaze]

Dear Urist Mc Animal Trainers:

I assigned that Emu to be trained. There are seven of you with the labor enabled who do odd other jobs like smoothing and milking. I know most of you were doing no jobs. Not even hauling.

So why is the Emu running wild around my fort pecking eyes out?

Sounds like they trained it really well, in tormenting their grudges.

Was it pastured in a training zone?

[Torrenal]

Dear Ursit MacCrosseyedHunter,
   Great job hitting the Werecoati with two of your three fired bolts.  I know, he was a scrawny lill bugger, still, you would have fared better if you didn't decide to stand on top of him when trying to make your fourth shot.  Your next of kin have been duly notified about your brave defence and your new residence in our freshly dug crypts.

Dear Urist ForgotYourMapNCompass,
   Great job finding your way to the location of the Werecoati with the rest of your squad.  Great initiative, despite being wounded, in firing parting shots after the beast after it reverted to a Human.  A few minor points, while you did find your way to the battle, your first effort got you to the exact spot of the fight + 1 z level - you somehow made your way to the battlements and not the main entryway.  Had you arrived at the main entry with the rest of the squad, your bolt to its heart may have landed sooner, and may have been joined by more well aimed bolts.   Sadly, your late arival to the fight got you there after the other members of your squad were all dead, something you no doubt realized as the werecoati to was shaking you around by your back teeth. 

While I am impressed at your quick return to duty despite being dropped from the military and being given no medical treatment... were the efforts to wall you in on your hospital bed of any concern?  Those walls were meant for your protection.  Would have been a severe mental shock for you to wake after a full moon with dead dwarves on all sides.  I saw you standing there for a few days with 'No Job'.  Did you find yourself unable to locate that lever in an isolated room?  The one with 'pull right now' orders on it, and a memo for just you to pull it?  Yeah, that's why we drafted you again to guard the lever, since you were unable to find it quickly enough on your own initative.  Please enjoy your stay in your new quarters for the full moon

PS: Please, the army is no place for an infant.  We take no responsibility for what might happen to it in two days time.

Dear Ursit WallsAlot
I know, I've asked a lot of you since the fort was started.  Walls around the trading depot and main entrance.  And an entire constructed level above that of battlements, with roof.  Remember when I asked you to wall in the sole survivor of the were attack?  Yeah, that was a tiny bit more urgent than any other wall you built.  Do not go two full weeks failing to place a wall, we only *just managed to get you to build that a mere two days before the full moon.

Exasperated
your Overseer

[austinwelser]

Dear Urist mceverymigrantwave

   While I am happy that you decided to provide my fortress with additional labour, maybe you could send more men and women instead of hordes of children?

sincerely,
  A desperate overseer.

P.S. any more shipments of children will all be subjected to the ten trials of crushing weight just as the past ones have.

[crazyabe]

Dear Urist-Mc-Miner

Get to back to work digging out housing or I will drop you into the noble 'pit'.

Signed: The Overseer

[Torrenal]

Dear Overseer,
   I'll dig out yer residental zone out soon as I feel good n' ready, unless you happen to think it's urgent and flag it a priority 1 dig.  Then, I might bump move it ahead of things like navel contemplation, statue gazing, and arm wrestling contests.  Otherwise I'll dig it out when I feel like it.  We're dwarves, born of the mountain and home both under and on the earth.  A lil dirt nap ain't gunna kill any of us.

Signed: Urist Mc-Miner

[crazyabe]

Dear Urist Mc-Miner

   I set it to priority One Last year, Now all you do is haul your useless ass around eating and partying, Keep this up and you'l get to see Urist Mc-Vampire-Barron again, He went splat, Now back to work!

Signed: The Overseer

[DrunkGamer]

Dear Urist

I'm very sorry about you getting stuck on that moat, but you have to understand one thing.

IT'S

YOUR

OWN

FAULT

YOU removed that ramp WHILE you where INSIDE the moat. Now, I fear you will never get out, or at least not until the Goblins get exterminated.

Thanks for your time, condolences will be sent to your family, I hope you survived so far.
-Urist McOverseer

[steel jackal]

dear peasant haulers

stop trying to cross the river im draining and falling down a deep hole of death


sincerely, a 10 foot tall jackal made of steel

[TheFlame52]

Dear Urist

I'm very sorry about you getting stuck on that moat, but you have to understand one thing.
IT'S
YOUR
OWN
FAULT
YOU removed that ramp WHILE you where INSIDE the moat. Now, I fear you will never get out, or at least not until the Goblins get exterminated.
Thanks for your time, condolences will be sent to your family, I hope you survived so far.
-Urist McOverseer

Dear McOverseer

How do ye expect me ta dig oot the ramp withoot me bein' next to et? Ah cannae lay on the groun' and just swing me pick oot o'er the edge, now can ah? Now let me dig meself oot!

Sincerely, Urist McMiner

dear peasant haulers

stop trying to cross the river im draining and falling down a deep hole of death

sincerely, a 10 foot tall jackal made of steel

Dear Jackal

We're tryin' ta save time by takin' a shortcut! Mayhaps if ye'd use traffic designashins tae tell us not tae go that way, we wouldn't be in this pridikamint!

Sincerely, Urist McHauler

[PyroTechno]

Dear Urist

I'm very sorry about you getting stuck on that moat, but you have to understand one thing.
IT'S
YOUR
OWN
FAULT
YOU removed that ramp WHILE you where INSIDE the moat. Now, I fear you will never get out, or at least not until the Goblins get exterminated.
Thanks for your time, condolences will be sent to your family, I hope you survived so far.
-Urist McOverseer

Dear McOverseer

How do ye expect me ta dig oot the ramp withoot me bein' next to et? Ah cannae lay on the groun' and just swing me pick oot o'er the edge, now can ah? Now let me dig meself oot!

Sincerely, Urist McMiner

dear peasant haulers

stop trying to cross the river im draining and falling down a deep hole of death

sincerely, a 10 foot tall jackal made of steel

Dear Jackal

We're tryin' ta save time by takin' a shortcut! Mayhaps if ye'd use traffic designashins tae tell us not tae go that way, we wouldn't be in this pridikamint!

Sincerely, Urist McHauler

There is a solution to both of these problems.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

[Dozebôm Lolumzalěs]

Dear Urist Kacothuzol (her name is actually Urist, BTW):

You idiot.

You utter idiot.

So, the animal trainers are lazy and don't train our resident monstrous spider. That's okay! We'll just bring him back to his pen. He's reverted to his wild state? No problem, we've got cage traps. So he pushes open the door (which somebody left ajar) and walks straight into a cage trap. Everything's fine.

Until you decide that since he's still technically assigned to the pasture, you should open the carping cage with a carping monster inside and bring it back to its pasture. You then stay in the carping room with the carping killing machine. What the carping carp, you carping carp-carp. You didn't even close the door as you ran out! Next time, I'm not saving you if you die.

Yours truly,

Manager Amidalath

Edit: removed a carp-ton of carp-words.

[Dozebôm Lolumzalěs]

removed: wrong thread