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[Linkxsc]

Dear urst mc woodcutter.
I understand you love your axe and all, and take pride in your "uniform". But when a thief runs into the fort, and you are told to grab any weapon and get to the gate to catch him. Could you just use the axe you already have, rather than dropping it to run downstairs and grab another one?

Dear Urist Bookkeeper
In reviewing your tallies after a dwarf took to a strange mood, I noticed we had 29301 small animals in stock. 
I admire your dedication to keeping accurate tallies of all things, you have every single bee counted.

That's just... wow. 

Your amused overseer.

I remember the first time i tried out beekeeping. Didnt look at stocks until i had like 50 of the things full and ready to split, then I was like. "The hell do I have 400,000 of... bees?"

[LordPorkins]

Dear Urist McToasty

I know you admire dragons for their terrible majesty, but that doesnt mean the dragon likes you back.

Sincerely
Your All-Knowing Ruler

[Prop42]

Dear Urist McEngineerleader,

Use a wheelbarrow to haul the stone, you masochistic fuck. We have 20 of them already, not being used, and you're insisting on hauling each individual pebble down 15 flights of stairs, and then complaining about it. Stop it. Its annoying.

Sincerely, your tired and annoyed overseer who is getting tired of your shit.

[LordPorkins]

Dear Urist McMedic

Why is it the one time you actually decide to freakin help people its the time when the people in question are stuck in spiders nests slowly dying of poison?

Sincerely
Your Boss

[Dozebôm Lolumzalìs]

Deer Overser McProopFurtyTou

I liek pusheng beeeeg bulders.

Dear Overseer McLordPorkins

Is that not the best time to help dwarves? Would you have had me just let them die there?! Of course I saved them!

[Huntthetroll]

ATTN: Valiant militia dwarves of Helmsspirits

I salute your incredible bravery in sacrificing yourselves to protect the fort from the depredations of the undead. However, you would not need to sacrifice yourselves so often if you bothered to wear the armor that I ordered the armorsmith to make for you. When you go to fight zombie horses without wearing so much as a metal helm, you might as well be signing your own death certificate.

Yours truly,
The unseen force that guides you always

[Dunamisdeos]

You should change their uniforms to "replace clothing".

[Huntthetroll]

You should change their uniforms to "replace clothing".

Done. It worked splendidly.

[sculleywr]

Dear Urist McDyer,

As my fort is only just starting up, I have no practical use for a dyer. However, I have given very specific instructions that you should begin smoothing the rooms that we are converting the old ore veins into for our new residents. However, you still go about complaining that you have no job to do. Get to work before I take the chisel I gave you and shove it up your rear.

(Seriously, I can't figure out what's missing. It's set up properly. Has something changed in the new DF version?)

[Amperzand]

Dear Urists McFarmer,

Please, for the love of Armok, harvest the fields. I realize most of you began life as skilled professionals, but that's no reason to starve the entire fort.

[MobRules]

Dear Miners

Could you please stop digging with the excuse "warm stone located" or "damp stone located". I know those stones are next to rivers or the magma sea, but i am not breaching into them, you will be perfectly safe. It is really really annoying to have to constantly redesignate digging designations whenever i am mining a room above the magma sea or a tunnel under a river.

Kind Regards, the overseer of Mountainhome Zulbanrodum "Bannerbowels"

Dear Overseer

Well, excuse us for not having access to that magic all-seeing map thing that you keep locked in your office!

Sincerely, Urist McMiner, who can and will murder you for strange mood components later

Additionally: We'll be happy to ignore the warm-damp warnings when channeling away stone from above, even without access to your all-seeing map.

[sculleywr]

Dear Urist McSuperMigrant
I regret to inform you that this is not a modded version of the world. I have not, in my all-seeing power and wisdom, seen fit to imbue dwarves with the ability to fly. So please, Urist, could you explain to me why you apparently decided to enter the map of the most recent fortress by method of catapult? It is with great anticipation that I await the combat report which is soon to follow, as you are now some 10 stories above the ground. I hope you enjoy your short, but momentous visit to Bluntguilt.

Without magma (because you created your own FUN for me),
Armok

[LordPorkins]

Dear Urist.

I know that your best friend is important to you, but why do you only care about him when hes dead? Hes spent the last 2 years wothout any limbs and you never visited once! Then a goblin gets him and you start trying to strangle children!

[sculleywr]

Dear Ramul Donasgasom, child wereape,

Thank you for dispatching the dwarves you bit without leaving them alive. I am curious, however, about your choice for weaponry in the second half of the combat reports which have found their way to my desk. I am not accustomed to werebeasts using weapons in combat, but you have unwittingly chosen to attack my dwarves with a pair of sheep wool trousers.

Please ignore the shiny warhammers which are intended for your head. It would be nice to get some training for my troops. However, because you were not spotted, for some reason, until you were already halfway through my complex, despite the massive number of war dogs positioned directly at the entrance, my crossbowmen are unable to grant you a distant dispatch.

I guess it may be time to draw up plans for a new fortress...

(I'm actually going to stick around for the show, but this may turn into a werebeast fortress o.o)

Edit: It appears that iron warhammers are extremely effective against werebeasts. I was producing them en masse because I have a crap ton of magnetite and no flux stone to speak of, and war hammers are selling at 300% value, so good training for my weaponsmith and great money. However, due to the death of my miners and the massive supply of rooms and ore, I'm halting the mining operations until I can assign a new miner, because I need to shore up what I have.

[austinwelser]

Dear urist Mceverymilitarydorf

Holy shit. Not only do you manage to completely destroy the FB cyclops, you all managed to do it without any sort of injury.
I can honestly say that I am totally taken by surprise at this.

Sincerely,
  A very astonished overseer.