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[Walrusking]

Migrants,

It's good to see new additions to our fortress, but did you really need to bring so many animals? Seriously, I think you brought double the amount we had.

Urist McPatriot,

I understand you love a certain dwarven civilisation. While this is all good, can you please stop engraving pear-cut gems (the civilisation's symbol) onto the dining room walls. And no, you're magpie men engravings are not a good replacement.

[pisskop]

Migrants,

It's good to see new additions to our fortress, but did you really need to bring so many animals? Seriously, I think you brought double the amount we had.

Urist McPatriot,

I understand you love a certain dwarven civilisation. While this is all good, can you please stop engraving pear-cut gems (the civilisation's symbol) onto the dining room walls. And no, you're magpie men engravings are not a good replacement.

#First World Problems

[Thisfox]

Dear Overseer ThisFox,

Unlike some folk, I dinnae ha' a magic map what tells me wot's happenin' all 'round th' fort. If ye knew tha' th' water was tainted or tha' there was a partic'lerly nice waterin' hole somewhere about, ye ought tae ha' posted signs! I bet someone could whip ye up a "water zone" sign an' loads o' "Zone-only drinking" signs (th' latter usin' th' standin' orders form, o'course).

Sincerely,
Urist McGreatNowI'mProbablyAWerebeast

Dear Mr Urist Magoo

The wells would have been along that corridor you walked along to the dwarfwash. The one on your right as you walked in is made of silver and marble, the one on your left of some bright yellow stone and a gold block we got from the humans on our first serious trading session with them. They're both quite fancy, and surrounded by engravings of trees (no, don't ask me why, apparently we've got political activist migrant engravers living here who got thrown out of their last fort because people kept on asking those same questions, just assume it's a minor political power trying to make themselves more powerful and drink the clean water) If you really don't like the tree engravings, you could always focus on the rather excellent engraving of a rhinoceros. Either way, there is no way you could have missed them on the way to the dwarfwash.

Incidentally, if you went to the dwarfwash, you also went past our legendary dining hall. The one which has everything from pineapple wine to dwarvish beer? I do recommend popping in there to try some of the masterwork food. I'm told the raw mussel stew is excellent, and there is also cooked roast. Just don't eat that rhinoceros-tallow-roast people keep fobbing off on newcomers. I've explained that it just tastes like soap, but no one listens...

Look, do you want me to send you on a tour with one of the endless supply of dwarf children? They seem to know every corner of this fort better than I do, which is why I keep finding them sleeping on the floor in the deep level galena mine instead of their nice warm beds. I'm sure they could help you pick out a nice guide dog to help you around the darker corners.

--Overseer Thisfox
(Who now is seriously considering having a squad of guards follow you around this time next month, just to be on the safe side)

[Doctor_Whiteface]

to the dwarves of Machinespires XLVIII:

I'd like to thank you antisocial little bastards for staying in your rooms like you're supposed to. Thanks to you there have been two residential deaths in the eighty-two years you lot have been building a hive on the side of this volcano, and frankly that cave-in was my fault for not designating dig tiles more carefully. Thanks also to Urist McHauler19 for starting a fistfight when you tantrumed and punting the undead Giant Sperm Whale into the volcano, your hissy fit broke a nine-year stalemate that my adamantine-equipped swordsdorf squad was helpless to break.

Yours,
Your grateful, impressed, and mildly disturbed Overseer

[SlyStalker]

To Metalsmith,
Stop going on break as soon as we get coke out of the smelter, you lazy fuck. More masterwork golden statues are required for the glory of
Woundriders!
Signed,
Your Overlord with Fascist tendencies

[4maskwolf]

To Urist McEliteCrossbowdwarf,

There's a reason I told you to stay in the safety of the main fortifications.  Combined with the harrying fire you crossbowdwarves provide, our traps are more than sufficient to eliminate any siege that attacks Demongate, and our melee military is a force to be reckoned with.  I know there were unforbidden bolts outside of the fortress, but for the last time THOSE BOLTS ARE NOT FOR COLLECTION DURING COMBAT.  Now you are dead, and although nobody really cares it sucks to lose an archer as skilled as yourself.

Sincerely,
Your friendly local overseer

[h0lx]

Dear Urist McEngraver

I appreciate your mastery and skill and the fact that you can make all the 1x4 bedrooms give excellent thoughts. But why are you only engraving events of a certain dragon, who happens to be called Elthar Flickergold, The Wealthy Flames of Warmth killing various creatures including humas, elves and dwarves? You are making me and the residents concerned.

[94dima94]

Dear Urist McHunter,

I thought that your superior ability as a hunter was supposed to help you in the choice of your prey.
Instead, as soon as we gave you a brand new crossbow and bolts, you left the fort, ran right past the pack of deers without even noticing them, reached the corner of the map, and killed a giant slug.
Sure, it's a valuable effort, and an amazing display of abilities; but now we are eating slimy, weird slug meat, instead of normal, delicious deer meat.
(This would have been amazing somewhere else, but we don't even need the shell; we have plenty of those!)
I hope next time you choose your targets you will think about all the people in the fort, who would like to eat something good for once.

Sincerely,
Your slightly disgusted Overseer and all the citiziens.

[SimRobert2001]

Dear Dwarves: You are currently stationed behind a fortification. The bridge is not yet raised. There is a row of traps between you and the goblins. The drawbridge is down, so would you mind staying BEHIND the fortifications, and THEN shooting them? Seriously, I've lost like, 80 of you guys now.

[Larix]

Dear Urist McHunter,

I thought that your superior ability as a hunter was supposed to help you in the choice of your prey.
Instead, as soon as we gave you a brand new crossbow and bolts, you left the fort, ran right past the pack of deers without even noticing them, reached the corner of the map, and killed a giant slug.
Sure, it's a valuable effort, and an amazing display of abilities; but now we are eating slimy, weird slug meat, instead of normal, delicious deer meat.

Philistine! I provide you with delicious escargot instead of stringy venison and you dare complain?

(Hunting skill has exactly zilch to do with which target a hunter picks - and overseer squeamishness doesn't strike me as a good metric for what makes a "good" target anyway.)

[4maskwolf]

Dear Urist McMiner,

You see that?  That hole in the ground?  That's our quarry.  You decided to come to this fortress, and in this fortress we live like humans.  We have wonderful housing units for all of you, but the fortress needs more stone, since we're running out of trees to cut down and spare wood to use.  So could you please stop going on break once a month for two weeks and actually get something done, please?  The quarry won't expand itself.

Sincerely,

Your expedition leader, the carpenter

[Thisfox]

Dear Survivors:

Sorry.

--Your Overseer.

[h0lx]

Dear Urist McWeretapir

I understand that you have broken your fingers, but would you PLEASE move to a hospital room instead of lying there so I can wall you in already, before you cause any more damage?

[BumbleMead]

Dear pretty much everyone,

When moving our trade stock of solid gold minecarts, it is perfectly acceptable for you to push them. They have wheels for a reason, and it won't take so long.
-Thanks, Bumblemead

[Thisfox]

Dear Urist McWeretapir

I understand that you have broken your fingers, but would you PLEASE move to a hospital room instead of lying there so I can wall you in already, before you cause any more damage?

Don't worry, he'll heal soon enough   Then he'll give everyone else a chance to know what it feels like! Isn't there one compassionate dwarf in your fort who can assist him in a quick carry to the hospit?

I've actually had the same problem: I walled one into a box-shaped manufactured "room" once, and everyone just walked past it to and from the trade depot. "What's that?" "Oh, that's Wally. He keeps thinking he's a skink, so we figured it's better to just leave him in there. Try not to knock too hard, we don't want his little house to fall over." Eventually Something Happened, and there was furious wereskink everywhere...