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[Akura]

Dear animal haulers,

Those turkeys were in their assigned pasture. They were also sitting on nest boxes. You idiots ruined several clutches of potential new turkeys. Why did you idiots do that?

Sincerely,
Overseer

[the1337doofus]

A note to Urist Mcwoodworker:

 Good job, dumbass. You drowned. You had the only axe we brought, and you were also our only carpenter. How the fuck did you even accomplish this feat of stupidity? There is no possible way you could have fallen into that murky pool, so you must have walked in. If you were going to off yourself, why did you come with us?

-The management

[pisskop]

wood is not hard to get in any tree bearing biome this version.  and depending where he drowned you can channel your axe out.  deconstruct your wagon and train!

[Ze_king]

Dear Urist Mcintelligent

  I must applaud my dwarves at how well they have handled the fort these past years, however you not caused any FUN  . I am severely disappointed in you. How hard can it be to invite your long lost sorry-I-forgot-I-was-a-vampire brother-in-law or your "accident" prone niece or atleast have Urist Mcpopular stand infront of the bridge and show everyone his amazing vanishing trick,  jeez....

Sincerely,
 GeneralfeldmarschalhighelfImeandwarfsturmschnitzeloverseer.

[The Bard]

Dear Urist McSwandive,

I hate keas as much as the next person, so I won't argue with your desire to climb a tree in order to introduce them to your sword.

However, in the future, the proper way to leave a tree is to CLIMB DOWN. Not, as you did, leap five z-levels into the moat.

No, I don't care that you survived. Nor do I care that the resultant mist made the rest of your squad happy. That was wreckless and stupid and... what do you mean you ended up falling in while wrestling the kea to death?

Oh. Well good job soldier. Carry on.

[Tacomagic]

Dear Urist McWerehare,

Look, I put you down in the caverns so that I could charge admission to a big throw-down between you and the flying turtle FB that's down there.  You weren't supposed to make friends with him and then and go skipping around ignoring each other every time you transform!

The paying customers want their grudge match!

-The management.

[Akura]

wood is not hard to get in any tree bearing biome this version.  and depending where he drowned you can channel your axe out.  deconstruct your wagon and train!

Even without the axe, if he chopped a tree down, or you deconstruct the wagon, make a training axe. That still chops trees.

[XArgon]

or atleast have Urist Mcpopular stand infront of the bridge and show everyone his amazing vanishing trick

Looks like Urist McPopular is the swordsdwarf in The Bard's fort.

No, I don't care that you survived. Nor do I care that the resultant mist made the rest of your squad happy. That was wreckless and stupid and... what do you mean you ended up falling in while wrestling the kea to death?

Oh. Well good job soldier. Carry on.

Wrestling a kea and doing a swan-dive from a tree into the moat, with his squad cheering for this feat of recklessness, water splashing everywhere? Now that's just showing off! 

Even without the axe, if he chopped a tree down, or you deconstruct the wagon, make a training axe. That still chops trees.

Good thing it wasn't Minecraft, or they'd have to punch down trees with their bare fists...

[Trupik]

Dear Urist McSlacker.
What a great party last night it was! At first no one seemed to come, so for a moment I even considered not to replace your bedroom door with a solid wall whilst you be sleepin'. But then you somehow passed the vibe to The Broker, who started to party like there was no tomorrow. Unfortunately, at the same time he has been desperately needed at the Trade depot. Soon after, the sneaky elves packed up and embarked away, along with all the booze we were supposed to trade with them for a pile of blood-stained goblin socks and worthless stone trinkets. I hope you enjoyed the party you organized, because with the alcohol caravan gone it will be a long time before you can party again.

Truly pissed,
The Overseer

[SimRobert2001]

Dear Urist McSlacker.
What a great party last night it was! At first no one seemed to come, so for a moment I even considered not to replace your bedroom door with a solid wall whilst you be sleepin'. But then you somehow passed the vibe to The Broker, who started to party like there was no tomorrow. Unfortunately, at the same time he has been desperately needed at the Trade depot. Soon after, the sneaky elves packed up and embarked away, along with all the booze we were supposed to trade with them for a pile of blood-stained goblin socks and worthless stone trinkets. I hope you enjoyed the party you organized, because with the alcohol caravan gone it will be a long time before you can party again.

Truly pissed,
The Overseer

Dear Overseer,
If you didn't want us to party, you could have just freed the room designation, and them make it again.  That is our que not to party.

[Baffler]

Dear Sarvesh McMason,

As you are no doubt aware, there are zombie ogres wandering around. What I'm wondering, and the reason for this paper airplane, is why you thought it appropriate to clamber down from the hatch tower and see the dead glumprongs and staring eyeballs, armed with this knowledge as you must have been (I saw you panic briefly while you were laying bricks.) Even more baffling though is that even when the ogres were charging at you across the wide, flat, uncovered plain you were standing in, you were just standing about admiring the glumprongs.

The Overseer.

----------------
Dear Zombie Ogre,

If you can read this, I really must congratulate you on your new name, Minerock. Appropriate, considering the means of your imminent demise. just take a few more steps down that tunnel, and we'll be mining you out of some freshly formed rock. Feeding you lots and lots of tasty peahens and plump helmet roasts. We've got a whole spread set out for you, even cracked open our only barrel of rum just for the occasion. It's a whole banquet just for you! Just a few more steps...

Eagerly awaiting your attendance,
The Overseer

[Larix]

Dear Lokum, chief medical dwarf

I understand you're happy about your romantic achievements, but do you really think all the fort has to know that
"Lokum Libashiklist, chief medical dwarf has grown attached to a sheep"
?

...
oh, there's a second line to the message - [sheep] bone crossbow. I'm somewhat relieved.

[DeathTBO]

Dear Urist McIdiot,

Instead of building the walls that will save the fortress from an imminent invasion, go drink some wine. While your at it, take a stroll through the halls because soon, you wont be around to see them.

Sincerely,
Death

[pisskop]

Dear Giant Plant Monster Hero;

  How you get armor user skill?  I appreciate you eating 7 goblins, but how did you get the generic soldier experience?  Thats . . . interesting to note.  Also, you can die now.  I have two well-crafted steel boning knives that will see to that.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

  Love,
    Reptile man outsider


---

Ahh, you have armor experience because you are wearing leather armor.

[FrightRat]

Dear Urist McEnthusiathicKiller,
I appreciate your concerns for our fortress' safety and willingness to defeat any nasty critters you may encounter. However, that troll was being hauled to his new home, the cage in the meeting hall, to serve as entertainment for you and your friends. There was no need to slay it.
PS : if you ever do it again and I see you, you will win free lava swimming courses.

Dear Urist McTrainer,
I share your enthusiashm for rutherers, and I am as excited as you that we have caught a brand new breeding pair. However, sleeping on their cage may be a little excessive. I understand that you do not currently have your own room, but comfortable beds are at your disposal in the large dormitory with engraved floors. Please use them. The rutherers are not going anywhere, I promise.

Dear Everyone McHauler
It is nice that you understand that corpses belong in graves and I applaude that knowledge. However, as you probably noticed, that particular corpse is currently in the river. You can either wait for that section of the river to dry thanks to the floodgates we built, or wait until winter to dig it out of the ice; but please understand that you can stop complaining about it for the moment, as I have no immediate way of changing the situation.

Dear Urist McMason
Not everyone shares your fascination for hyenas, please make statues of other things from time to time. You have never even SEEN a hyena, what the hell.

Sincerely,
Almighty McFacepalm