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[Boothby]

Deear Urist McFisher,
I can only guess how you could achieve such an incredible ability in your job. You could be able to feed the entire fortress by yourself spending a day at the river!

Notice how I said you COULD do it? That's because you seem to forget something quite important.
You see, dwarves don't like raw, unprepared fish for dinner; they usually want someone to do something with it, to make it actually possible to eat.
I also noticed that you are the only one who is able to do such thing in our fortress, being as good at fish cleaning as you are at fishing. i foolishly expected to do such thing sooner or later.

Anyway, this doesn't matter anymore. Do you hear that noise? I'll explain to you what that noise is.

My fortress is still young, I don't have a single door yet, and I just had time to dig an underground water tank (that doubles as your fishing zone) before before hiding from the giant wolves outside; therefore if you capture and leave at your feet dozens of fishes, they will sooner or later start to rot and spread miasma everywhere. Now, you might be estatic for your great life, but somebody else is not. And that cloud of miasma happened to be the final blow to their sanity. that's why we now have two berserk dwarves in the meeting hall, killing everyone on sight. Also, one of them is our miner. He will find you in a minute.

Our fortress is doomed, and it looks like it was your fault... Great work.

Sincerely,
your sad, sad Overseer.

Well, Yer Overseershipness, it's like this: I cannae clean the fish if I am catching fish, and I cannae catch the fish if I am cleaning fish. I can only do one at a time, ye see? And, well, when I think about what do do, catching fish seems like much more fun then the cleaning part, so I go grab me rod and catch another most of the time. It's my weakness, I suppose. If yer so all fired up to have the fish cleaned, why not get the cook to do it, or that lazy farmer git? Now where did I put that bait?
Oblivious-to-doom Urist McFisher

(No it doesn't make sense, and yes, it seems neater somehow to just give your Fisher all the 'fishing' skills, but they will most likely go fish some more when that labor is enabled, and seldom/never get around to cleaning the catch apparently. Have someone else set to clean.)

[Thisfox]

Dear Urist McMigrantMilker:

I realise you like milking. I'll even find someone else to make the cheese, that's fine. We could use some cheese. We totally could. And we have buckets and barrels and pots, no problem.
 
You even brought your own animals, I realise that too. But... Sorry mate. You might think you're an expert on milking, but this is going too far.

I mean... we cannot milk a migrant bull nor a migrant cavy boar nor a peacock. You do know that these animals you brought with you are MALE? It just can't be done. So... until someone else thinks to bring some female milkable animals, you're on other duties okay?

--Your exasperated leader.

[Urist McShire]

Dear Exasperated Leader,

Well sir, I brought the animals with me. I know tha' they canno' be milked. But you see, me ma did no' want to come 'ere in the first place, an she told me, she did when I was leavin' that I could no' take the females wit me. So I was hopin' that ye had cows I could milk already 'ere, and that me bull would start gettin' a chance to burn the midnight oil with some new heffers.

[pisskop]

Dear Baron of the Barony;

  I understand we produced limited quantities of green glass windows.  Mostly because we bought special clay.  We have none on hand nor any on site.  So when we do pick some up via trade, you need to stop throwing a hissy fit long enough to make a box.  You mandated it, you build it, you construct it. Good day, Baron Fikod HissyPants.

  -Overseer.

[StagnantSoul]

Dear Urist MnMilitiaCommander-

What the hell are you doing down there? I walled off that cavern for a reason. Yes, I know you can climb and fight, but this doesn't mean you should go into the caverns. Look at you, you're half equipped, and you only have cave water and plants to eat down there! I can't unlock that area, or the trolls will get in. Why don't you just climb back out, and start killing the goblins topside, like I asked?

-Frustrated ruler.

[Chipperbane]

Dear Stakost, my love,

It's been three hundred and seventy four days since the necromancer came. It's been three hundred and forty days since his horde of fifty zombies killed a cougar - which he then resurrected - which then decided to maul the necromancer to death.

This is all rather well and good, but unfortunately, the horde has yet to leave and is taking its time going around and murdering the indigenous wildlife. Myself and the children continue to struggle, but our stores of food do not falter.

I find it ironic, darling, how I wish that the goblins might lay siege to my home.

The only solace I can take from this is that we threw the werebuffalo corpse down a deep dark pit long before the necromancer got her.

Yours,

Urist

[Chipperbane]

Agent Unib,

On 12th of Granite, the year 40, you successfully completed OPERATION PEARWOOD FOREST, even though you were lost in the throes of a strange mood. With the work of the architect, REDACTED, and the miner, REDACTED, we opened a breach in the mines directly in front of a pile of pear tree logs after setting up a bridge to serve as a stopgap once retrieval was a success. Without wasting time, you grabbed the logs, got the hell out of dodge, and we had the bridge up in no time.

I'm pleased to announce that soon, despite the horde of fifty rotten corpses stalking the Aboveground, you'll be a legendary metalsmith, and will be stationed to make an unending storm of Golden Statues.

No lives were lost during this operation.

Mission success. I will implore your overseer to grant you a barony when the time comes for your bravery.

[Staalo]

Dear duke Rig̣th Roarletter,

yes, we have received your demand of a... lead bed to be placed in your tomb. Now, we always try to fulfill our nobles' wishes, but if you think for a moment about the current state of Dwarven artifice you'll realize yourself why this kind of item simply can not be done.

Your rule of Searingmines so far has been trouble-free and I'm almost tempted to say enlightened, given how well you have supported the fort's mission with your mandates; therefore I'm willing to let this one slide. However, if you insist on demanding impossible things I can guarantee you that something else will be placed in your tomb instead.

Sincerely,
The Overseer.

[WanderingKid]

yes, we have received your demand of a... lead bed to be placed in your tomb. Now, we always try to fulfill our nobles' wishes, but if you think for a moment about the current state of Dwarven artifice you'll realize yourself why this kind of item simply can not be done.

What version of DF are you playing?  Anything like that should be a request, not a mandate, and can be reasonably ignored unless you're verging on a Tantrum Spiral.

[Staalo]

What version of DF are you playing?  Anything like that should be a request, not a mandate, and can be reasonably ignored unless you're verging on a Tantrum Spiral.

40.11. Yes, that was a demand, not a mandate... and I'm going to ignore it for now. It does however hint that my duke could be losing it;  next it'll be mandates for slade crafts and I'll have to start planning for all that tedious "unfortunate accident" business.

[khearn]

Just drop a bar of lead on his head, so he'll be ready to use that tomb.

[Urist McShire]

Dear Urist McRecruit,

NO! Run away from the horde of zombies! AWAY! There are 50 of them and you're an untrained grunt! Why are you so eager to become the first dwarf to be buried in the fortress?

[bigjaredmonkey]

dear urist McEmbarkMiner

please do not take three whole months to dig out a dormitory, and a stockpile. i will not come save you the next time a pack of wolves comes to eat one of your legs.

[bigjaredmonkey]

dear UristMcEmbarkMiner II

dont go on break, i need the meeting area dug out so none of your fellow idiots are stuck outside being murdered by peregrine falcon men.

[MobRules]

Dear Urist McDuke:

Yes, i agree that was a bad place to meet with a diplomat. So why didn' you use your opulent, every-surface-engraved throne room, instead of meeting the diplomat outside in the rain next to the refuse heap, and then whining about it?

PS: the reason you couldn't find someone in charge to yell at is because you ARE the guy in charge.