I've been noticing myself taking more and more subtle steps toward intimacy with a girl I know. This is bad because as I've said before in other late night rants about this, she's otherwise engaged and happy in that relationship.
I've been struggling with repressing my feelings enough in order to maintain my friendship with her for around 9 months now, and looking back at some things I did before that time - for instance pretty much the first thing I did after my 4-hour long black belt karate grading was go see her at our work under the guise of getting food from there, even though I could barely think at the time, much less stand up or walk - the feels were probably also developing before then, but I didn't quite consciously realize it yet. Which given that I didn't want to realize it makes sense that it could stew for that long before coming to the surface of my mind.
And now my birthday is coming up in but a few days and alcohol's going to be involved because she's wanted to get me drunk ever since she found out how old I was and a small condensed corner of my mind is terrified that a confession will leak out. I cannot have that happen. I will not fuck up the best thing I currently have in my life in order to reach for that which I should not reach for and will never attain.
I honestly never thought all that emotional abuse I suffered earlier in my childhood that taught me how to repress my feelings so they don't show or affect me too much would be useful, but it's worked so far. Figures this situation would come about just as I'm unlearning a lot of those restrictions.
I suppose I'll just need to really focus on keeping it to myself - I've given myself little reminders and such to look at over the course of the evening - because this has the potential to explode into a fucked-up situation if my feelings end up slipping beyond me, which brings me back to the beginning of this disjointed rant - I can feel in my gut that I'm getting closer and closer to confessing, and I can't stop myself from going down that path.
Fucking emotions, man.
TL;DR I'm becoming too smooth for myself to stop myself making hints of insinuations of possibilities of advances towards someone I really shouldn't