Im so fucking afraid
So many conflicting emotions, so much fighting for and against.
And the heartsore tried to reintroduce itself this night, dreamed about her.
It feels like im killing someone but its just this male shell im trying to shed. It fights and objects against it. All i want is to have him gone so i can be me. God damn you overgrown shell! God damn you!
Worser is that i currently only have one supporting friend, she lives all the way inside Copenhagen, nothing a train ticket cant fix, but she has a baby and shes so busy. God damn this shit. Im a woman! Not that asshole, want him gone with his homophobia and closet nazism, his fundementalism. Its all so enraging! Die David! Die! Hands off me! Get your hands off my shit.
Of course.. I know, i want to keep myself safe untill i am ready. So i wont get beaten up by some immigrants, or the whitetrash in the other end of the town. What about my mom? She think gender is a gift from god or some shit. The fact that that bitch of a shit docter labelled me a paranoid schizo, im not! She just misunderstood me! FUCK
They would think im insane, and if they didnt, they would hate me for going against their god.
All i want is to untie the last knots of my being so i can live free!
Being Emma heals! Admitting my true self saved me from depression! I feel happy when i see myself and i call myself Emma im happy. That endless foutainlike mess of thoughts seizes. I can think clear and my creativity flows free. My words dont turn into salad and i make sense. People CARE FOR ME too.
Ich kapitulieren niemals, scheisse-Dave! Niemals!
...
im better now. I think. Still all that transition stuff sounds SO scary ;'(
Aint ready yet, but i will be.