I don't mean to be whining so much today, but it's just one of those nights where I'm stuck in my thoughts and I need an outlet just to sleep.
and these posts always take alot of time just because I'm trying to think of how to write it so I don't sound completely pathetic.
I've been contemplating how others see themselves and about what's different in me that makes me so sad, and I got something resembling an idea. I think alot of the problems I've had stem from me not having what I'm gonna call a 'social identity', that is, where a person identifies themselves as a part of or a member of a group of people, of how that person fits into society. It's this thing that I think I lack, and so there's barriers in my mind that keep me from just going out right now and doing whatever the fuck it is that people do.
Deep down, I don't consider myself a member of my own family, and I know I'd abandon them if there were a practical benefit to it. My friends from college, the closest friends I've had my entire life, and the moment I move back home and away from them, atleast in my own head, they're gone now. I hadn't even thought of trying to keep in touch with them, they're just part of the past now and I've been drilling into myself for years that the past is only meant to be forgotten. In my mind, I'm just lonely and miserable, I can't picture myself being a normal person and in a subtle way this sabotages everything I do to change that, because I don't want to commit to actions that rail against that image, if only in my mind, because I can't imagine the world in a different way.
Now, I say lonely, and I want to stress this part, that I'm just alone in my head. I already stated that I don't affiliate myself strongly with any group, and in my rutted ways, I don't want to be. I have this whole other thread just talking about how I want to end my loneliness and find a relationship, but deep down, past whatever romantic dreams I might have, I'm not sure I'd ever be able to commit to actually BEING in a relationship. In my mind, I'd always be anticipating the end of it, either through her or me is irrelevant, that to me the state of being non-lonely is a grotesque and unnatural form of myself and it's only a matter of time before something occurs and it is destined to snap back to it's original state. A mechanism rooted in my mind to continue on the only path it's ever known. Simply put, that I'm lonely and have a hard time socializing, and the pieces are in place to make sure it's always like that, until the day I die.
Now, I admittedly write my posts in a way that I personally consider to be unusual. I come at the keyboard with a fierce passion, but when finger meets key, everything slows down and I instinctively start to analyze every thought and every word, and things come out in this formulaic, methodical manner that I'm starting to grow into, an almost worrisome matter. I don't post very often nowadays, but if you were to know me in person, if you were to speak with me, you'd find I'm nothing like I might type these posts. I avoid conversation and so if you WERE to speak with me our chat would be very short as I listen to whatever you might say, then struggle to find something meaningful to say back, fail to find it, and then instead rattle off something vague to either continue your line of thought or to exit from the conversation altogether, leaving both parties unsatisfied with that socialization beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I feel I've written this post before, maybe not in the same words but the same message definitely, some time long ago and I just can't remember. I guess I'm just a skipping record of despair.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9476735 times)