Back to depression. I've really grown to hate this. Not the depression itself - I really don't mind too much, in some ways. Just that it happens, is my issue. Doesn't happen to everyone. My family, my friends, never deal with this. But me, no, I can't just continue on with my life and be happy. I can't be happy working along, playing games, reading. I can sometimes, sure - rarely, a week per month maybe, I'll just be happy, pleased, content. A couple of weeks I might be okay. Not really happy, but I enjoy things; enjoy learning, playing good games, can read (if there aren't any distractions that are more than insignificant). But a week or two of depression, too. Not to say it's a monthly cycle, or anything - that's just the ratio. I'd say .75 happy : 2 okay : 1.5 depressed. And it fucking sucks. I shouldn't have to keep myself going with happiness injections: exercise, masturbation, sugar highs, new show episodes. Not that these work when I'm depressed. I might enjoy them for a bit, but it's hardly even a break from the depression - it's still there. They work during the meh periods, keeping me happy for hours to the whole day. But it shouldn't have to be like that. I shouldn't have to keep feeding myself happiness inducers. Shouldn't have to force it. I should just be happy with the things I can do. But I'm not. I can't be. And I don't know why.
EDIT: Oh, and this time I keep turning everything around into negative thoughts. That's a new one. Fun.
In my thoughts, something keeps circling back to a lack of identity. I don't associate myself with a particular identity. I have a name. I have multiple names. My real-life name matters just as much as this online name; they're just names, labels, applied so you have something to refer to the collection as. I have a body. It is my body. Just like that is my book, or my pen. It is mine to use. All that really appeals to me about existence is data knowledge accumulation and applying that to (create) a product. That is what I want to do. I also want to be happy, enjoy things, because it feels good. But that's what I am. I am a collection of thoughts (no, not even the thoughts are me they're just a things that are a by-product of being) knowledge and experiences (no, experiences are just another knowledge). Am I a person? I don't know. I experience things; or at least, as far as I know, I do. I don't associate with anything. I'm not a man male, I just have the associated body parts. I'm not a part of this society, I just happen to exist inside its influence. I am not part of this world, this universe, it is just all I know. I am not, I just am. I have interests. So does... But... ... What is real? Am I? You could find me physically. Could find me digitally. Could find me mentally. But what am I, if I am nothing? These places you could find me are just places I inhabit. What am I?
It all amounts to ramblings that please me. Feel good, better, to write them; type them. Maybe all it comes to is that I've been reading
Neuromancer lately and it's been messing with me.
's all life is, anyway. Inputs that make things happen. Funny how it seems like more.