Most of the best things I have ever said are things where after I am finished, I am either convinced that it is the very worst thing I could have ever said in the situation, or that no one is going to care enough to read it. Most of the worst things I have ever said are things where after I am done, I am convinced that I am the greatest person on the planet. These feelings only ever last until the reactions come in and I can see where my coin has landed.
I say the dumbest things sometimes, and the only consolation I can ever hope to get from this is the fact that sometimes I can also say the smartest things. I just wish the former were less frequent, and the latter were far, far more frequent.
And in all of this, I am way, way too invested in what people think of what I say. It's good when people like what I say. It's a high like nothing else I could ever experience. People who have sigged me -- ANY TIME I see my words in people's signatures -- I have the utmost feelings of gratitude and joy. This is why I want to be a writer. This is the artist in me. I literally thrive on people's enjoyment of anything I do. And then I fuck it all up, say something supremely stupid, get called on it, and it feels like someone has suckerpunched me in the soul.
At least I don't hate myself. Small blessings, etc.