I just feel like crap right now, and I seriously have so much stuff I just want to get off my chest.
I just can't shake that I've wasted such huge amounts of my life. That I should have SOMETHING to make up for it by now, but it's days like this that cement that me, and everything about me is petty and insignificant. When I die, I might be briefly mourned by my loved ones, and then swiftly forgotten as time marches on. What really hurts though is that I'll die feeling like I've always felt like an outsider to all of human society. My entire life, I've been the odd person out.
I remember as far back as elementary school, when I never had any close friends. Then switch schools to one in a mostly black community, and I was ostracized, alienated, and occasionally beaten up, but I didn't get it as bad as some people. I was too young to see color or prejudice back then, so I couldn't wrap my head around the gang culture "hate whitey" sentiment, and I probably got out alive by being the nice and quiet kid who keeps to himself. Well, I supposed I did understand it enough to understand that going outside = BAD with the tightly knit circles of my black peers, who already didn't like me, and the much older, actual gang material roving around and committing random acts of terrible, violent crimes... It's around this point that I develop my hermetic habits and just spend all non-school time holed up in my house.
Then I when I finally switch out of there, it's to country/farming culture, and I'm very definitely not fitting in there. My complete lack of social skills at this point snowballs into emotional clusterfuck after breakdown after explosion. It's around this point I'm labeled as emotionally disturbed, and from their on to the end of highschool, I'm excluded and left alone. I can't even imagine how I managed to graduate, as there was probably only one or two teachers that actually cared.
And all this time, please understand that there is very literally no such thing as counseling. Well, there IS, but so extremely inept that one of them threw me into a blind berserk fury when I told her the future I wanted to build for myself, something really simple, and she just shoots down everything I want to do, and basically just says "Sorry, life fucking sucks, the world sucks, you suck, get used to it." and then I spend a few days in a facility for disturbed young people, I forget the exact name, where the staff do a damn good job at talking down to you and trying to feed you pills.
All the while, my Mom doesn't give two shits about me. She's occasionally overcome with maternal feelings and wants to let me know that she loves me, but 99% of the time, she's not there for me and whenever I try to tell her my problems it's a swift "Shut up and man up bitch". Then she'd go off to get drunk and start violent, life-threatening fights with her current boyfriend or whomever really. I can't even testify how many times I've seen Mom start fist fights over nothing, pull knives or whatever other weapon might have been on hand on eachother. I'd frequently go to sleep with them screaming and scuffling, and sometimes wake up to the exact same thing hours later. Oh, and my Mom would yell at me whenever I'd take a shower, so I probably only cleaned myself once a month; so if being the crazy kid wasn't enough throughout middle and high school, I was also the smelly kid. Goddamnitall I swear.
I don't think I went through any rebellious stage, at the time when normal people feel the natural urge to break out of the home and throw themselves into a relationship and burn their own path... didn't happen for me. My spirit at the time was already completely crushed. I was mortally afraid of being further ostracized by the people who already didn't accept me, and so I remained hermetic and holed up in my home, even though the now nearly all-white community I lived in didn't pose physical danger anymore. That, and my Mom would literally just start hitting me at the most slight sign of disrespect; that was her entire parenting strategy. I just wanted to get through each day with as little pain as possible, and this meant I didn't even speak to Mom anymore either. We lived in the same house, but I made it a habit to only speak to her when absolutely necessary, because the smallest, dumbest thing would send her flying into a violent bitchtornado.
I'm not quite sure how many people here speak to themselves, but I talk to myself basically all the time when I'm alone. Getting through my long, friendless, adolescent years basically required that I create vivid daydreams and fantasies in my head, and then I'd personally act the lines of each and every character. Even noticing this, Mom doesn't give a shit. She later tells me "Oh, he's holding conversations with himself for hours at a time," she would tell herself, "But atleast he's really happy doing it! Look at how happy he is!". Escapism became something of a hobby of mine, I suppose, and I probably wouldn't have survived without it.
It was only because I knew I had the opportunity to go to MCTI (Michigan Career and Technical Institute), that I was able to struggle through the three years of post-highschool depression; to convince myself to withhold on any suicide attempts, it was the only thing that let me believe, even if it seemed small and meaningless "Maybe I have a future, today is terrible, but maybe tomorrow will be better."
I think I made the right choice coming here, because I finally got to taste the freedom I've been missing out on for all these years! Twenty-two fucking years of life, and I think I finally get to experience what having friends feel like. I thought it would be all over when I graduated, but I was recognized and hired as a paid temporary intern at the school's Health Services Dept.! I got the great privilege of not feeling like a fucking waste of human life anymore at this temporary job; I mean, seriously, look at that shit: an earned sense of self-worth, however fucking fragile! I get to feel independent, my life ain't dependent on anyone's obligation or generosity, I'm earning my own way!
And, as stated earlier, it's all ending on Friday! I only got in two months, but despite being well-liked by my coworkers and my performance doing well, apparently the government just doesn't have enough money to hire one more guy at minimum wage, so I need to pack my stuff and head back home, to Saginaw. I'm so sad! I'm so pissed! I don't want to go back to the life that was nothing... NOTHING but a huge drain on me. The entire place will just emotionally starves me until I'm impoverished and pathetic again! Fucking goddamnit! I really can't emphasize how important it is to not let that happen again, I've made too much progress.
I'll need to leave all the great friends I've made here. I'll need to abandon the great reputation I've forged here! and I mean that, it was a whole new start! I wasn't the crazy kid or the smelly kid or the kid so damn depressed that he just spaces out for days at a time anymore! I'm well-liked, well-respected, looked up to here! That's the craziest thing ever! People think I'M THE COOL GUY! That still blows my mind! Everyone knows me! I don't want to leave it all behind, to go back to the same place I that caused all my misery in the first place!
I do think though, that I should try to wrap up the statement made at the beginning of my little diatribe.
What really hurts though is that I'll die feeling like I've always felt like an outsider to all of human society.
and I mean that. I'm still a quiet guy, deathly afraid to speak my mind except to my closest friends who I know are accepting of my weirdness. The vast majority of people though, seem to measure life by yardsticks that I know nothing about, and probably never will, and I have to question if that makes me an outsider to all of human society. A statistical outlier, that can't be used to figure averages, because it just skews the results for the masses of people who aren't as fucked up as I am. That seems like an unusual thing to say, and it probably is, but I have to wonder if I'm just so weird that I can't fit in with normal people. That such a huge portion of my life up to this point has been such a phenomenal waste, that I'll forever be behind the people that should be my peers. So yeah, I guess that statement is just me thinking that I regret becoming as fucked up as I am, because it makes me unable to relate to how others see the world.
I'll just have to live with the fact that I'll never get a childhood, when everyone else can atleast say they took theirs for granted, or that they look back on it fondly, and because of that, I'm a fundamentally different than... pretty much everyone!
It looks like this got a bit longer than I intended it to, but I feel lot better than I did just a little while ago. I'm getting pretty used to typing on the keyboard on my new laptop.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9792128 times)