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[The Merchant Of Menace]

Blegh. Money wasn't in this week.

[Vector]

I'm back to the usual questioning of the Asperger's diagnosis and so on.

Guess I'm feeling a lot more stressed out right now than I thought.

[Rose]

Did you go to that meting with "People who like other people to know that they support asbergers without actually wanting anything to do with the actual condition" yet?

[Phmcw]

I'm back to the usual questioning of the Asperger's diagnosis and so on.

Guess I'm feeling a lot more stressed out right now than I thought.

Why does it bother you so much? It's not like Asperger's is well defined or black and white.
What does it change anyway?

Maybe think more about doing what you find relaxing and enjoyable, and less about your shortcomings and insecurities.
As a rule, good uni students stress to much.

[Vector]

Did you go to that meting with "People who like other people to know that they support asbergers without actually wanting anything to do with the actual condition" yet?

Why does it bother you so much? It's not like Asperger's is well defined or black and white.
What does it change anyway?

I did go.

I guess that if I don't have it, I don't have to talk to them or think about them again.  I have no obligations whatsoever, not really.  Well, that's not true.  I simply no longer have an obligation to myself.

They made me feel so ... small.  Non-extant.  Like a rat.  A specimen...

I don't know how to interact with people like those sorority and fraternity kids.  They talk, and it feels like there's nothing there.  It's so strange... platitudes, chatter, almost nothing I can recognize as serious language.  Lots of calling each other faggots and joking about who's autistic, "getting more people involved," all that stuff.  It's really strange.  I pretty much never talk to anyone nowadays except for extreme introverts, mathworms and bookworms.  I'm not used to the bullshit that some social people use... the prosaic statements, designed to make one like them, but ultimately completely unrevealing anything of their character, their personality, their actual opinions.

What a mess.

[Rose]

And thus vector discovers that 'normal' people are a mess of chaos and disorder, with no logical consistency.

And we love it.

[Vector]

This is why my friends often joke about how I'd better go become a professor, because no one else in their right minds would hire me XD

[Phmcw]

Meh, chitchat is just people trying to establish communication. That's not what make them shallow and empty headed.
I don't know you but with I first :1) establish communication "hello",2) initiate communication on a light subject "It's freezing today, isn't it" 3) inquire basic personal information "My name is X" 3) at a latter stage try to find common ground based on whatever clue I can take from their appearance. let's say he have a beard and dress in black, plain cloth "Do you happen to like Rammstein?" 4) rinse and repeat last one until I get a basic image of who it is and can carry on later. % of actual interest of the conversation 0, but I do have a basic image of who I deal with, and can re-initiate contact later with useful information on how to do it.

[ToonyMan]

That's way too methodological for my tastes.  I'd rather just respond with what I feel like. 

[Vector]

Yesterday, one of the girls said "Oh, you talked to me in lecture, didn't you?" and I said "Well, I hope that was someone else!  That would be nice."  Then I stumbled around for a little while until I finally said "no, that was me."

God, I'm so full of bullshit sometimes =/

[Phmcw]

That's way too methodological for my tastes.  I'd rather just respond with what I feel like. 

I came up with that because I had trouble socialising. It work well.
Beside you come as outspoken and welcoming, and people are usually glad to be spared the trouble of initiating the conversation.
The downside is that if you fail you may be tough loud or even annoying, so I flee at the first trace of weariness.

[Leafsnail]

That's way too methodological for my tastes.  I'd rather just respond with what I feel like. 

Me too, generally.  That's probably why we keep saying the same thing at the same time when we're on steam.

Although I do am trying to learn smalltalk from my mother, it's sortof working.  Although it's a bit easier at the moment since currently there are plenty of common things I can talk about with people of my agegroup (exams, subjects we're taking, university choices, predicted grades, teachers they don't like etc).

[ToonyMan]

Yeah I was actually pressured into revealing I was reading Fate/Zero to one of my college friends last week, Wednesday I think.  He was in all my High School classes so I know him somewhat and he was being very curious, enough to take my Engineering book hostage and dangle it from the 2nd floor in the library.  Yes our library has three floors it's awesome.  He didn't know at all what it was of course and I didn't expect him to, it's his lose hah!

Anyway, the point is my smalltalk skills are probably very poor too.  The only time it works is usually when I know a recent event that I saw on the news that morning, and even then I hardly care.  Usually what I find best is to just use what material you have.  Even if you don't know what they're talking about just bring up something related to it for a common linkage.  Or try to be funny.

I don't speak very much unless it's an important matter usually.  I'm only able to say so much online because you really can just say whatever the hell you want and anybody that chooses to listen will.  In real life what you have is what you get.  There's really no point in going further than that.


Well, speaking of today I might as well lay some thoughts down.  I'm feeling particularly sad today.  It's a very mellow Saturday.  I guess this is why people go out huh.  I haven't really been around anybody since only yesterday so I guess it's selfish of me to complain.  Not that I have any desire to go outside at all, jejejejeje.

It's more than just mellowness though.  I'm feeling pretty angsty today.  The more I think about my life the more pointless it seems.  I haven't really had a chance to be depressed in like a week thanks to college so I finally can now.  I feel like no matter the situation it's not going to make me happy.  I remedy this by making jokes or watching shows or reading stuff but that doesn't change the situation.  Maybe I really do need companionship.  The thought of a partner makes me happy.  Maybe I need to get my college friends' cell phones numbers...but then again unless I actually physically go out with them it'll just be digital communication.  Which is okay most of the time but not right now.  Maybe I do need someone...

I've had thoughts of sleeping with someone.  In imitation I will hug a pillow.  When it's dark and I close my eyes it makes me happy.  I swear some thoughts I have sound pretty pitiful don't they?  I know.  But unless I do this I feel like I will just be an empty shell devoid of any emotion.  I'm not a particularly emotional person up front and I've grown up to learn never to react to anything because that will cause trouble.  Because of this it feels likes nothing will ever bother me and it will never be stressful or aggravating.  But on the other hand I don't feel like much matters.  Nothing I do matters.  This also means I can do whatever I want because if nothing matters then I can do anything.  Although I have no ambition to do anything either.

I need to find strands of happiness and follow the thread I guess.  Would that make the goal a loom?  Yes.  To the Loomland UuuUuu~

[Bauglir]

I've had thoughts of sleeping with someone.  In imitation I will hug a pillow.  When it's dark and I close my eyes it makes me happy.  I swear some thoughts I have sound pretty pitiful don't they?

I'm kind of just zeroing in on this arbitrarily, but don't worry man, I do that too. Ye get no pity from me on this count :p

Myself, I tend to think that nothing matters but what we decide matters. I mean obviously that's not strictly true there are things like food and sleep and bullets that matter whether I want them to or not, but in terms of finding meaning and a goal and a purpose. There's nothing to find, but there's everything to create. Might not help, creation is fucking hard, but I bet it's within your means. You've got the first half of the idea down, and you're a pretty spiffy dude. You may find a path better than what I just described, that fits you better, too! I say none of this to constrain you, just to point the way that worked for me and let you make your decisions accordingly.

Don't feel rushed though. Even in belief systems where omnipotence is thought of as a coherent thing, it took an omnipotent dude nearly a whole week to create anything worth writing about, so you can probably take your time and not feel bad or unambitious or anything.

[Vector]

I'm reading Discipline and Punish.

The first three or four pages were a graphic description of poorly-executed torture carried out in the 1600s or something.  It only gets worse.