The depression is telling me that my situation is a magnum opus in a series of fuckups... that failure is to be born by the one who fails. If the ship's going down, and I can't claw my way back to shore with my own two hands, then I deserve to sink.
Granted, the rest of me regularly has to tell the depression to shut it and go loath-wallowing in the corner by itself, while the rest of me goes and gets shit done, but the feeling is still there. It's getting harder to brush aside. I'm well and truly sick of living life as various people's burdens; I feel like I have too much potential to be living as a parasite, and if I can't provide for myself, maybe the assumptions I've made about my potential and ability aren't accurate.
Bleh. The only family willing to take me in right now is my father. I love him, and would love a chance to get to know him better, but he lives over an hour away from my university, all of my friends, and my current job prospects, which means adding 2 hours of driving to every day I do anything. On top of that, I have a roommate who is counting on me being there to help with rent and bills; I won't do to him what happened to me, and drop it all, leaving him to pick up the pieces. I know I can do this. What I'm facing isn't something that everyone else doesn't deal with, I just don't know where to ply my energy to start making a decent living, so I can get on with my life.
I'll try for another month to find work. If by Mid-September, I can't find any, I'll start making arrangements for a replacement roommate, and will explore my available options. One step forward, two steps back; at least it feels like progress 1/3 of the time.
Bleh jobs. I'm already only getting 3 hours at work per day, and for the second time now they've cut me from the floor as soon as I come in, because UPS can't afford to pay me for my scheduled shift. I can't live off of 15 hours of minimum-wage work per week, let alone 12! It's simply not sustainable.
For now, I'm back to job hunting once more. I can't just "go to school, and wait for the economy to get better," as friends and family have advised me, because I can't even afford to live, eat, and have a home right now, let alone afford tuition, bills, or pay what debts I have. Hell, I haven't even been able to go grocery shopping for months, and have been subsisting on bulk items like rice, beans, breads, and pasta... and taking advantage of any free meals anyone I know is offering.
After more than a year of fruitlessly hunting for decent work in my area, I've settled for what crappy jobs I can find, which amount to little more than a drop in a bucket. It's all I can do to just keep trying, doing what work I have as much as I can, and throwing enough applications out there, whether or not I'm qualified, in hopes that one of them sticks... and possibly won't turn around and screw me and my financial plans over once I'm hired in.
The clock is ticking down to me being completely destitute, and with each day passing I am having a harder and harder time seeing this getting better. Everything in me is screaming to leave... go anywhere else in hopes that things are better, though I know they're not. Just have to keep trying, even if it feels fucking hopeless.
Ugh. I hate this all.
Just gonna tell you that if you consider your internet popularity, you should know that it could grow quite well, quite fast, if you spent more time on your fans, and that many such internet popular people can make a fine little extra through donations.
I'd donate to you without a second thought, just saying. I love your personality and your internet presence and find you a good influence on my mind, so yeah. I'd pay you a dinner at the very least.
I do appreciate the thought a lot, but if I can't ask for help from family, I certainly can't ask it from the internet. I've thought about embedding a video player in a website that acts as a library of my videos, with some not terribly obnoxious pay-by-view adverts on top, but 1) I'd rather not make money at my friends' expense, and 2) I don't know what kind of work would be involved for what return. I'd be surprised if it paid for itself, in the long term.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9795706 times)