Well said.
And that's quite a lot of dedication, especially coming from someone who claimed earlier that they "couldn't be bothered to put in enough effort for social interaction" (paraphrasing, sorry). Any motivations for doing this?
That said I admire your keen observational skills. I'm a little jealous, even.
Thank you, I'm flattered =)
The thing is, there's a difference between not wanting to interact with people and not being interested in them. I'm always interested in figuring out what other folks think and feel with as little effort (i.e. as little socializing) as possible. I don't really have trouble socializing anymore, but in general I just don't find it interesting unless I'm learning something new. Rather, it's unsatisfying, like eating candy instead of a normal dinner. By the time I'm done, I don't feel... complete.
I don't fully know what the motivation is, really. It's sort of a personality thing, perhaps? I always feel best when I'm busy understanding the interactions of a system and figuring out how it all folds together. Other people have hobbies like watching TV (as apparently just about everyone in my rhetoric class actually does). My hobby is figuring out why other people watch the TV, what it's giving them, why they project themselves onto one character or another.
And I guess one of the reasons is that, in striving to understand myself, I've had to function as an observer of myself--and it's a lot easier to understand one element of a system if you understand large portions of the rest of the system.
That, and my best friend was suicidal for many years. I had to learn how she felt from punctuation and capitalization alone (on IM protocols), her breath, the way she moved, the slightest change to her shoulders, the way she drank a glass of water. She was busy pretending she wasn't telling anyone and that no one could tell, but I always had to know, immediately, how I had to behave around her on any given day. Could I make jokes? Was she only mildly depressed, so I could go home early without feeling bad? Did I have to give her my full attention? Was she angry at me for something I deserved, or was she just lashing out again? How could I get her to stop hitting me without making her cry? If I wasn't careful when I made her stop hurting me, I would be forced to take care of her as she got upset about having upset me--because her way of living was to always find some way that her life was more troublesome than other people's, to make herself feel better about her own inability to affect others. If she couldn't solve her own grievous problems, but she could survive them, then she knew other people could survive as well, and she had no responsibility to help.
She is why I observe, and she is one of the reasons why I'm not the most fond of interacting with people or making friends, much of the time. I don't want to be stuck that way, forced to help someone by that bond just because I
can understand how they're feeling, and I
can make them feel better. I know I can help, but I'm afraid of getting stuck again--and instilling dependence on me, yet again, seems like a bad idea for everyone.
Bleh. More than anything, I'm afraid of not knowing--of being caught out one day without some necessary piece of knowledge. Of being unable to read a situation so I can't see danger, an opportunity, an advantage. Of someone suddenly saying: "Quick! Tell me how to prove that the square root of 2 is irrational!" and my simply... not knowing. If I didn't know, I would be passed over for someone who did know, and I would be left behind. Worthless.
The reason why I study languages obsessively, by the way, is because I grew up in an area with a large immigrant population, and there was always someone speaking in Chinese, Taiwanese, Korean, or Spanish around... or anything else, though those were the most popular. I was really lonely. I kept thinking: "Maybe if I could just understand what these people are saying, I'd feel less lonely. Maybe, if I understood how to act like these people, they would accept me even though I don't look like them."
"Maybe, if I take care with my words, fewer people will misunderstand me and get angry. Maybe, if I study mathematics, I won't have to feel like I'm a smaller person than all of these men who are so good with numbers. Maybe, if I watch this TV program and think about why other people are watching it, I will understand the watchers enough to talk to them some day. Maybe, if I watch these people talking, I can understand the pattern behind the information they are sharing, and I will be able to understand why no one wants to talk to me. Maybe it's that my patterns are wrong. If I know things they don't know, but that they can understand, if I can speak their color of English, if I can somehow simplify concepts from pictures, sounds, smells to these words, if I can learn to tell a story, if can learn to be humble without being deferential, if I can be polite without being obsequious, if, if, if...
"Well, maybe then I won't be lonely anymore."
But as I've worked towards this understanding, I've paradoxically become more interested in the science than in the interactions themselves. My incomprehension caused my loneliness, not the absence of people. For me, the important thing was understanding. Odd, I guess, but mostly true... I'm lonely in one way, but it's not the old sort of gnawing I felt.
Ah, well. We inhabit an odd world.