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[Tack]

Do you hate me, Vector? Cos', yknow. I don't hate you. You're kinda cool, really... But it's ok... you know, if you hate me. I don't mind being hated.

[Vector]

Do you hate me, Vector? Cos', yknow. I don't hate you. You're kinda cool, really... But it's ok... you know, if you hate me. I don't mind being hated.

............

No, I don't hate you at all.  I should probably change what I said to actually reflect the truth.  Thanks for the reminder


I dunno... I'm just unhappy today, in general.  I haven't played more than 3 hours of games in the past month or so, and when I said I wanted to go play something upon my return home, my mother made a big show of stifling herself.  It's annoying.  I want a break, sometimes.

On top of that, Rosewood won't be coming along to our Easter celebration thingy, so it's more than likely that my relatives will be giving me all kinds of shit (and I'll probably end up spending 12 hours or so in a car listening to my parents argue and trying to work problems).  I'm not going to my cousin's wedding because it's right in the middle of finals, and I can't afford to go then.  However, another cousin is leaving in the middle of midterm season to attend, so I'm going to look even worse... I'm sick of people screwing with me.  In the end, I just want to be left alone.  No more Rosewood, no more family, no more people whose arguments I have to rip into shreds.

I'm just too tired.

On top of all this, my moron roommate came and breathed in my face while I was studying in the library for the two midterms I had on Wednesday.  The reason why this matters is because she'd been complaining about how terribly sick she was for about a week or so, and then she came to disturb me because she wanted to talk about how her deadbeat ex-boyfriend had called her.  This is also the person I chased off a stalker for when he came to knock on our door after midnight one evening.

To make a long story short, I'm getting sick and this is the one weekend I'll be able to see Rosewood and Aspen before Aspen goes back to college far away and I head back to university for 7 weeks.  Oh, and most of the people I know in my housing situation are heading back to their respective home countries (I live in the graduate international student housing, though I am neither), so most of my source of social interaction is going away.  It doesn't help that I'm taking senior-level courses, so the people I meet and get along with there will be gone, as well.

Plus, on Saturday I'm supposed to go to Rosewood's party, and I'm scared.  I haven't been to any sort of non-family event in two years, and I'm supposed to spend time with his coworkers and make light small talk?  I'm scared I'm going to be asked if I'm a professor again... it sounds silly, but it's happened before and I don't really like it (also popular is the ever-present "you must be a grad student!"  I got mistaken for a grad student as a first-semester freshman.  What the HELL.).  I also look terrible from lack of sleep and weight loss, since I haven't been able to convince myself to eat enough for the past week or two.  I'm scared this is going to turn into yet another one of those "Well, I had a great time with you, Rosewood, but that girl is scary" evenings.  I hate it when he has to cover for me.  He doesn't seem to mind, but it's hurtful.


... Additional: Professor Poland decided he wanted to extend class for an hour while he ranted about the Sylow (pronounced Zelov for Norwegian  reasons) Theorems and group classification.  The class is normally an hour and a half long, so this was two and a half hours of listening to a crazy old man talk about his disturbing childhood in Poland, the evolution of the Greek script, his feelings on how awesome it is to classify finite groups when you're feeling depressed, and (oh yeah) his disjointed lecture on how to prove the Sylow Theorems.  The nice part of this is that the lecture was practically incomprehensible due to said disjointedness, so I'm going to have to spend at least that long figuring out how everything works--especially because he can't seem to decide whether or not he wants to give us a midterm exam.


Oh, and tomorrow is the first day of spring break.  I'm spending at least 12 hours of it learning mathematics so I can stop feeling guilty about my lack of dedication (?!) and skill (?!?!).  Pfaugh.

Well, you could always get your PhD, flip the bird to academia, and start making indie games on a shoestring budget.

This is a good point.  Thank you =)

My talents essentially govern something with only aesthetic appearl and no tangible form; I have to contend with readers/writers of different tastes, changing styles and rules, and grapple with my inner self to produce truly honest work.  A good story is just a story, while mathematics is used for practically everything and is capable of producing impartial truth.  None of us can even answer the simple question of "what is a good story?"

Yes, and that's the beauty of it.  The problem with mathematics being used for everything is that its practitioners are expected to be inhumanly perfect (for otherwise, the fortresses built on our foundations might collapse).  Everything we write must be wrought of purest gold.  There's no room for error or human foibles.  This is reflected by our weird socializing methods: at a party whose guests consist mostly of mathematicians, everyone is ranked by how skilled they are.  Those who have proved few good theorems, no matter how wonderful they are as people or individuals, are not allowed to talk to those who do deep work.

Similarly, serious students of mathematics are not allowed to ask for help.  The making of a mathematician is (as I am discovering) a grueling trial by fire, where over and over again one must confront one's own weaknesses and eradicate them under the harsh light of the study lamp.  We live in fear of a misstep, an insolvable problem, a counterexample.  We are by and large lonely, depressed people--but here's the sad part.  We wouldn't have it any other way.  We're so addicted to this mystical beast of "elegance and clarity" that, no matter how hard we try to draw our eyes away, we are left mesmerized.

*sigh*

I didn't mean to make this post so depressing, but there you have it.  Guess I just needed to get that off my chest.

[Jreengus]

So, last night I ran out of loo roll, it was 8 at night so I figured I'd pick some up this morning. After all what's the worst that could happen?

Turned out the worst that could happen was vomiting and diarrhoea, although fortunately not at the same time.

[Jackrabbit]

Oh man, you feeling better? I feel for you.

[Jreengus]

Well I still feel a bit ill but the worst has past. I still don't trust myself more than a few meters from a toilet though.

[Hippoman]

Going to Concordia Language german camp. I'm sad because I've only done something like this once before, Frau Wason will be there, and I barely know any german.

[Itnetlolor]

I miss my beard. On the bright side, my computer is cooperating again at least.

[Mephansteras]

Damn it, Vector, do NOT go melancholy on us from a failed mood! Worthwhile migrants are hard to come by!


Sorry...your post just seriously reminded me of a dwarf working on an artifact in that 'perfection or oblivion' sort of way.

[Vicomt]

My son punched another kid today at first he said he did it because he felt like it, then he finally admitted that he'd done it because the class bully told him to. Whatever the cause, the effect is still the same. I really don't like being angry daddy.

[Solifuge]

Having an excess of empathy sucks serious citrus. Whenever I run into someone with a problem, I'm immediately compelled to help them out, since I subconsciously start experiencing the same feelings, and feel how much that must suck for the person. That usually results in me fixating on the problems of others, trying desperately to give some variety of helpful advice (after which I invariably end up feeling like I'm preaching from a soapbox), feeling disatisfied and uncertain if anything I said or did was more helpful than harmful afterward, and through all of this realizing that I have similar problems, which I've rarely addressed in my own life.

Anywho, in the spirit of this:

Plus, on Saturday I'm supposed to go to Rosewood's party, and I'm scared.  I haven't been to any sort of non-family event in two years, and I'm supposed to spend time with his coworkers and make light small talk?  I'm scared I'm going to be asked if I'm a professor again... it sounds silly, but it's happened before and I don't really like it (also popular is the ever-present "you must be a grad student!"  I got mistaken for a grad student as a first-semester freshman.  What the HELL.).  I also look terrible from lack of sleep and weight loss, since I haven't been able to convince myself to eat enough for the past week or two.  I'm scared this is going to turn into yet another one of those "Well, I had a great time with you, Rosewood, but that girl is scary" evenings.  I hate it when he has to cover for me.  He doesn't seem to mind, but it's hurtful.

I've never been a huge social person. I like having a small circle of close friends, and tend to keep the majority of people at an amicable distance. I only rarely attended parties through highschool, and even my first few years of college... though I lived on a street full of Frat houses, and worked with 20-odd party people who kept asking me to go out with them on weekends, etc.

As my close circle of friends started dispersing, going off to different schools, the military, other cities and states, I started taking some of my friends up on their offers. Even though I've honed a razor-sharp wit *cough* on the internet *cough* I still tend to be quiet around people I don't know, until I can get a read on their personality. I tend to stay quiet until a question comes up (to which I'll spring from the darkness with an answer, or at least a theory), and then am quiet again. Small talk is not my thing, though I can smile and nod with the best of them.

Anyway, the point I was trying to get at before hopping on the Tangent Express was that people seemed to like me fine, even though I'm shy, filled with nigh-useless trivia, am overly silly, and a bit of an oddball. Not trying to be obliquely condescending here, but just continue being yourself, talk about your interests, and don't feel obligated to act in a certain way. If you're inspired to start juggling napkins, begin a respectful philosophical debate, or start talking about how Batman villains each represent different facets of Batman himself, go for it. If you'd rather just listen and "hang out" go for that instead.

Follow your inner muses. As in all things, they will guide you down the path of awesome. The same goes for your studies; if mathematics interest you, go for it. You may be allowing your education and degree to define yourself too much. I'm a biology major, and I happen to love the outdoors. I also love computer games, digital art, good cooking, cutting-edge science, fantasy novels, brittish humor, jazz music, and theoretical physics. I'm fascinated by the vastness and complexity of the universe, the bredth and depth of variety in the human experience, and how we fit into the big picture.

I warrent most people are as varried in their interests, but we often push those aside and talk about our careers, our talents, etc. We are immensely complex creatures, so don't let something as minor as a piece of paper that says "I am certified to know my shit" limit or define what you feel you are, or what your capabilities as a human being are.

Holy hell, what a ramble. I need to put this soapbox into storage or something.

[Armok]

Then I fell in love with mathematics and all purpose to my life went out the window.  It's upsetting.  I'm going to be more useless than artists and English majors, because at least they'll be employed in something useful (no matter what they do).  I'm studying a widely unappreciated art/science that none but masters of the field really enjoy--and to what end?  Little sleep, forgetting to eat, almost no spare time, severe stress, and a mind so heavily geared towards mathematics that I'm constantly thinking about problems and make fun of those unfortunate enough to speak imprecisely.

Vector, you really should look up Friendly AI, I think it might fit you once your done with your current maths, and the area needs more mathematicians like you. Especially look up the SIAI website.

[Duke 2.0]

My son punched another kid today at first he said he did it because he felt like it, then he finally admitted that he'd done it because the class bully told him to. Whatever the cause, the effect is still the same. I really don't like being angry daddy.

While I do support parents doing whatever it takes to raise their kids right, I must comment that the kid must always know you support them. They need to know you don't support their action, but he must know it doesn't change anything about how you feel for him.
 I'm only saying this because my father had a bit of a problem with that when I went through school bully crap. And that not knowing how your parents feel about you is one of the greatest sources of teenage angst.

[druid91]

Invader Zim losing to Wolverine on the clash of the nicktoons thing, and me caring about that.

[Vicomt]

My son punched another kid today at first he said he did it because he felt like it, then he finally admitted that he'd done it because the class bully told him to. Whatever the cause, the effect is still the same. I really don't like being angry daddy.

While I do support parents doing whatever it takes to raise their kids right, I must comment that the kid must always know you support them. They need to know you don't support their action, but he must know it doesn't change anything about how you feel for him.
 I'm only saying this because my father had a bit of a problem with that when I went through school bully crap. And that not knowing how your parents feel about you is one of the greatest sources of teenage angst.

It's cool, I was taught to be open with people, I'm comfortable with expressing emotion and my son knows that while sometimes we don't like what he's done, he'll always be loved. He's just 5 going on 6 going on 13

[Cthulhu]

Someone I dislike (He's under 50 and agrees with Glenn Beck) made a joke on Facebook, and I lol'd.

The joke was "TOYOTA: Moving Forward, whether you want to or not."

It caught me off guard.

Laughing at a joke he made makes me sad.