Do you hate me, Vector? Cos', yknow. I don't hate you. You're kinda cool, really... But it's ok... you know, if you hate me. I don't mind being hated.
............
No, I don't hate you at all. I should probably change what I said to actually reflect the truth. Thanks for the reminder
I dunno... I'm just unhappy today, in general. I haven't played more than 3 hours of games in the past month or so, and when I said I wanted to go play something upon my return home, my mother made a big show of stifling herself. It's annoying. I want a break, sometimes.
On top of that, Rosewood won't be coming along to our Easter celebration thingy, so it's more than likely that my relatives will be giving me all kinds of shit (and I'll probably end up spending 12 hours or so in a car listening to my parents argue and trying to work problems). I'm not going to my cousin's wedding because it's right in the middle of finals, and I can't afford to go then. However, another cousin is leaving in the middle of midterm season to attend, so I'm going to look even worse... I'm sick of people screwing with me. In the end, I just want to be left alone. No more Rosewood, no more family, no more people whose arguments I have to rip into shreds.
I'm just too tired.
On top of all this, my moron roommate came and breathed in my face while I was studying in the library for the two midterms I had on Wednesday. The reason why this matters is because she'd been complaining about how terribly sick she was for about a week or so, and then she came to disturb me because she wanted to talk about how her deadbeat ex-boyfriend had called her. This is also the person I chased off a stalker for when he came to knock on our door after midnight one evening.
To make a long story short, I'm getting sick and this is the one weekend I'll be able to see Rosewood and Aspen before Aspen goes back to college far away and I head back to university for 7 weeks. Oh, and most of the people I know in my housing situation are heading back to their respective home countries (I live in the graduate international student housing, though I am neither), so most of my source of social interaction is going away. It doesn't help that I'm taking senior-level courses, so the people I meet and get along with there will be gone, as well.
Plus, on Saturday I'm supposed to go to Rosewood's party, and I'm scared. I haven't been to any sort of non-family event in two years, and I'm supposed to spend time with his coworkers and make light small talk? I'm scared I'm going to be asked if I'm a professor again... it sounds silly, but it's happened before and I don't really like it (also popular is the ever-present "you must be a grad student!"
I got mistaken for a grad student as a first-semester freshman. What the HELL.). I also look terrible from lack of sleep and weight loss, since I haven't been able to convince myself to eat enough for the past week or two. I'm scared this is going to turn into yet another one of those "Well, I had a great time with you, Rosewood, but that girl is scary" evenings. I hate it when he has to cover for me. He doesn't seem to mind, but it's hurtful.
... Additional: Professor Poland decided he wanted to extend class for an hour while he ranted about the Sylow (pronounced Zelov for Norwegian reasons) Theorems and group classification. The class is normally an hour and a half long, so this was two and a half hours of listening to a crazy old man talk about his disturbing childhood in Poland, the evolution of the Greek script, his feelings on how awesome it is to classify finite groups when you're feeling depressed, and (oh yeah) his disjointed lecture on how to prove the Sylow Theorems. The nice part of this is that the lecture was practically incomprehensible due to said disjointedness, so I'm going to have to spend at least that long figuring out how everything works--
especially because he can't seem to decide whether or not he wants to give us a midterm exam.
Oh, and tomorrow is the first day of spring break. I'm spending at least 12 hours of it learning mathematics so I can stop feeling guilty about my lack of dedication (?!) and skill (?!?!). Pfaugh.
Well, you could always get your PhD, flip the bird to academia, and start making indie games on a shoestring budget.
This is a good point. Thank you =)
My talents essentially govern something with only aesthetic appearl and no tangible form; I have to contend with readers/writers of different tastes, changing styles and rules, and grapple with my inner self to produce truly honest work. A good story is just a story, while mathematics is used for practically everything and is capable of producing impartial truth. None of us can even answer the simple question of "what is a good story?"
Yes, and that's the beauty of it. The problem with mathematics being used for everything is that its practitioners are expected to be inhumanly perfect (for otherwise, the fortresses built on our foundations might collapse). Everything we write must be wrought of purest gold. There's no room for error or human foibles. This is reflected by our weird socializing methods: at a party whose guests consist mostly of mathematicians, everyone is ranked by how skilled they are. Those who have proved few good theorems, no matter how wonderful they are as people or individuals, are not allowed to talk to those who do deep work.
Similarly, serious students of mathematics are not allowed to ask for help. The making of a mathematician is (as I am discovering) a grueling trial by fire, where over and over again one must confront one's own weaknesses and eradicate them under the harsh light of the study lamp. We live in fear of a misstep, an insolvable problem, a counterexample. We are by and large lonely, depressed people--but here's the sad part. We wouldn't have it any other way. We're so addicted to this mystical beast of "elegance and clarity" that, no matter how hard we try to draw our eyes away, we are left mesmerized.
*sigh*
I didn't mean to make this post so depressing, but there you have it. Guess I just needed to get that off my chest.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9800899 times)