So it's midnight. I actually wanted to post it 30 minutes ago but started writing more.
I feel like I should do something. Something significant. But nothing that would actually matter to me is really doable or a good idea. Somehow it's even worse than the christmas, the fact I'm just sitting at home alone and there is literally nothing different about this day than any other, except a lot of background noise. I could go outside but...
...the problem is I don't have a problem with not doing anything special. The problem is that I'm just completly and utterly alone. Everyone who matters to me doesn't care about me. Don't take me wrong guys, but I won't really be moved if you say I do to you. I actually really don't, your life wouldn't be different without me. In the end, both You and I are just pieces of text sitting on computer screen. Real people underneath, but in reality just mere masks that are as easily created as they are lost. It's easy to say things here. Very easy. It's easy to lie and it's easy to tell the truth, but in the end there is no way to distinguish.
I'm just tired of trying to be happy and just go with it and hope that maybe someone will think I'm anything more than a statist. That's what I have been all my life, a background NPC, a noise in others peoples lifes. I'm tired that every time it's bad, even when I think of going to kill myself, I gather faith and strength and say that no, that I must fight, that one day I will get better and things will be better and everything will be nicer. That the world is against me because it wouldn't be fair otherwise.
I've read once that life either breaks you or it kills you. It doesn't seem to really be a thing for most people, but I think it was for me. I belived that I will not give up and if I'm going to fall, it's going to be death due to reasons I don't really have control over. That I will go on, I will not fail. I found streght in many things. Faith of the church, a false sense of solidarity with people, singing crappy songs and praising Gods that I never actually truly believed in. Then such simple things as goddamn Imperial prayers of WH40k, things to at least imitate faith I lost. Then actual faith, but this time faith in humanity, that we are great and there is great future ahead. Arrogance, thinking that I am somehow special and a sort of hero of a story, that I might somehow help that future become. Then love, which brought me more harm than good. Then I thought that if I can't be the good guy I at least have a good buildup to be the bad guy. Either die as a hero or live long to see yourself become villain, eh?
Yesterday I got angry, I'd like to say irrationally, but I'm tired of constricting myself to not seem like I'm deranged or something. I got angry because I look at other people and see that they are... normal. They have lifes, sometimes happy, sometimes not so, but in the end there is always... connection. I don't have such things. I don't matter. I'm literally noone. Just a shadow amids thousands of shadows. You don't even have to blink to not see it, you can stare at it straight on but still not see it.
I think that's the tragedy. It's not mine, mind you, there are thousands, tens of thousands, thousands of thousands people out there, also being noones. And there will be more. That's true evil now - we just don't matter.
They started the fireworks.
EDIT: Oh, and happy new year. You're going to need it.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9779094 times)