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[The Architect]

For the record, read my journals as a stuffy British 12 year old boy for double the enjoyment.

Oh no! It's the Chronicles of Narnia all over again!!!!!!

[CJ1145]

I was thinking more Artemis Fowl, but whatever floats your boat I guess.

[MrGimp]

Spring 260



Sixty years damnit!  Urist turns 106 this year.  44 to 64 more years and she croaks of natural causes.  Damn dwarves and their long lifespans! 

Anyways, TALLPANZER, one of Jewelettarette's sons, is coming of age.  He's not quite an adult yet, but he's so excited that he throws a party in celebration anyways.



Him and all of his young snot-nosed bratty friends spend their days getting drunk and passing out on some random dolomite table.

There was some pretty good news this season though...



A trained executioner has come to our fortress.  And he worships the right God!

Huzzah!

[HAMMERMILL]

Balls, you still have like, 22 kids in your fortress. Thats over a 3rd of the population.

How does the fortress even function when half the population consists of nothing but nobles and their terrible offspring?

[MrGimp]

The Saga of Kol Drillpillars

Kol Drillpillars was a mighty young dwarf, and despite his young age, he was the fastest dwarf in all Blockedlance.  One day, in spring of 260, Kol Drillpillars was out on the slopes of the Ruthless Tower, scavenging old goblin silk from the bone piles surrounding the fortress.

It was this helpless young child that spotted them, the ugly green brutes.  They who would ambush us like an elf would!  The dishonorable childkillers spit fire at the young boy.



But Kol was quick on his feet and ran down the side of the hill. 

They spit fire again, but managed only to set one of their own aflame.



Enraged, the entire squad of goblins runs down the hill after young Kol.



But every time their breaths of flame reached him, Kol was already too far down the hill to be burned. 



When he reached the bottom of the hill, he could have run home....but Kol seems to have taken to much delight in making the goblins burn themselves alive.  Instead of running to safety, he runs BACK up the hill.  This does give him protection from the goblin fire breathe, but it was quite a ballsy dwarven move to run right back into danger.

Amazingly, three more goblins have burned themselves to death and Kol is still alive!  He is singlehandedly taking on this ambush!

But wait....whats this?



More goblins!!!  Kol is trapped between two squads of goblins now!







Rest in Peace Kol Drillpillars.  You will be buried in the Valhalla Cave with full military honors!

[Terrapin Jim]

Just got done reading this all the way through, Mr.Gimp, and I registered an account so I could tell you how damn awesome this is.

THIS IS DAMN AWESOME!


If at all possible, could I have a dwarf? Nothing important, but hopefully something useful around the fortress? Like a random member of the seething masses, slave to the indomitable Lunatic-Empress. His/Her name would be Corcha. Thanks!   

(Also: Eagle is damn awesome as well. Hermits rock.)

[Ze Spy]

did he just take too much Adrenaline?

because if he steals my title without any Adrenaline as the fastest , i am going to strangle him to death again
THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!..........assclowns

[Eagle]

My mental image of myself: 

[Kaberton]

So I've been reading this thread after work for the past week or so. I registered an account just to ask the following.

I want a dwarf before Ragnarök. Any dwarf will do, miner if available. Kaberton works as the name.

[Khamero]

You put mom in the army?!

What have the poor little gobbos done to deserve that?! >=D

Just found this thread again after a few ages, and it is increasingly awesome! Love how I made my entire family go for the throne! "Oh, if you wanna kill her, please do, but GET THE THRONE! If you dont wanna, leave her be, but GET THE THRONE! </ragespit>"
I wonder what Jewlerette thinks of this...  =D

We need more military though, we cant have two heathens fighting for us. I mean, when they inevitably die, what will we do then? Look weak? NO WAY! D=<
At least mom is doing her duty.

[Red]

I finished reading this thread recently and I'd like to say that its a pretty awesome story so far.

[Maggarg - Eater of chicke]

The eternally brilliant missals of Mogror Harbett, Engineer of Death.
Ah, today a wonderful thing happened. Young Drillpillars was incinerated after a valiant attempt for escape.
It warms the cockles of one's heart to see mere physical prowess fail miserably in the face of adversity.
The young fool spent too long training the wrong organs. If he'd trained his brain, he might have prepared a trap some weeks earlier along the route of his walk. A rather bright lad as well, makes the waste all the more hilarious.
Speaking of youngsters, the queen celebrated her 106th birthday not long ago. Perhaps Armok will see an opportunity and give her the Gift of Blood. Then again, he might not. The old fellow was always incredibly fickle.
Hm, I've just had a fantastic idea! I recall a fortress a few hundred years back with the same admirable depravity as Blockedlances, what was it called? Ah, who cares, they had a bloody great magma trap and that's all that mattered. Such a shame the technology from Olonkulet isn't around anymore.

[MrGimp]

If at all possible, could I have a dwarf? Nothing important, but hopefully something useful around the fortress? Like a random member of the seething masses, slave to the indomitable Lunatic-Empress. His/Her name would be Corcha. Thanks!   

No problem. 

I want a dwarf before Ragnarök. Any dwarf will do, miner if available. Kaberton works as the name.

.

You're in.

I'm a bit ahead of the story, so you guys might not show up for a few updates.

Also, glad you guys like this sick twisted story!  I like that three escaped lunatics posted almost in a row.  haha

[MrGimp]

Mogror Harbett stood next to the Empress as she sat on her adamantine throne barking orders to peasants and nobles alike.  He was the Engineer of Death and defacto Chief Adviser.  Every now and again he would bend over to whisper into the Imperial ear. 

And so when one of Jewelettarette's sons came to the royal court, the Empress looked to Mogror to tell her what this eight year old brats name was.



"Who." replied Mogror.

"This boy right here." pointed Urist.

"Who, your majesty." replied Mogror again.

Urist paused and glared at her adviser.  "This brat right here....what is his name?"

"Who."

"Dammit Mogror!"  The Empress stood up and walked to the young boy.  She grabbed him and shook him back and forth violently.  "THIS CHILD RIGHT HERE!!!  WHAT IS HIS NAME???!!!"

"No, What lives in another fortress, your majesty!" explained Mogror.

Urist was puzzled and scrunched her face into a grimace.  "What are you talking about?"

"Yes you're majesty.  And you're talking about Who."

"I dont know, that's what I'm trying to figure out!"

"No no....Who IS the dwarf you are talking about!"

"What?  I pointed him out quite clearly!"

"What isnt here.  Who is THIS dwarf!" Mogror shouted, pointing his finger at Who.

"What are you asking me for?  I'm asking you!!!!" cried the Empress in exasperation.





The Abbot and Costello bit goes on for ages, and eventually Who get's moody and withdraws from the court. 

He had come to ask for shell for his great craft he was working on...



But there was no shell in the fortress, and so he became horribly depressed.



He flung himself from a very high place...such is the trauma brought on by lack of shell.

[darkflagrance]

"Who just died?"
"Yes."
"No, I just wrote to Yes the other day."

It was probably because he was depressed that her Majesty couldn't grasp his name. Of maybe she grew so exasperated at it that she secretly ordered him to hang posthaste.