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[Maggarg - Eater of chicke]

Can I have a dwarf called Maggarg, job title, Kleptomaniac.
(train him in swords or something but make sure he's generally unhelpful.)
Backstory:Maggarg was born an awfully long time ago in a small, wet fortress in the middle of a large, wet nowhere.
He promptly left, having cased the mayor's tomb and made off with a sword. He spent the next hundred-and-fourty years robbing towns, temples, old ladies and babies. He frequently fakes his own death and gets a new identity, always called Maggarg. He likes authority, because they usually have stuff worth nicking.

[OneMoreNameless]

Can I have a dwarf called Maggarg, job title, Kleptomaniac.
(train him in swords or something but make sure he's generally unhelpful.)

Okay, now you people are just screwing with me, LOL. You get the first soap maker who shows up!

Next chapter should be up soonish.

[DFNewb]

I'd like to claim a migrant in advance please!
name him newb and put him in the army and make him use shorts swords and his only labor to be health care
so after a big battle he will help the wounded also set his job name as combat medic.

[OneMoreNameless]

- CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT: Guinea Pigs Have It Easy -

New Fortress!
Survive the wildlife, flourish in a desert, clear out the cave and construct several entirely glass buildings.


The Mad Scientist's Voice Log

26th Obsidian
thing on aha! Excellent. Right. Okay. Right. Where to start? Ahem.

This is the voice log of The Mad Scientist. Today, is the 26th Obsidian, and soon I and my associates shall arrive at our destination; the northern beach of this accursed island that we dwarves were forcibly exiled to over a decade ago. Since that time many dwarves have attempted to escape our new home, but as far as is known, none of succeeded. In recent years it has been deduced the reason for this is strong elven magic, cast upon the seas. Although merchants and travelers from the mainland may pass unhindered in their boats, any fleet of dwarven construction finds itself drowned through raging winds, torn apart by vicious sea monsters, or nibbled slowly to death by hoards of carp. There is a degree of flexibility; Kibeth, for example, has sailed around the island, but no more.

How does the magic react only to dwarves? How is it maintained? How can it be bypassed? These are questions that, through observation and experimentation, I seek to discover. I have three aims here. The first is, attract further dwarves to participate in the experiments. The second is yet unknown. The third is, profit!

"Heeeeeey, Maddy. What's that thing?"
Oh, Urist. This is
"Excuse me? Urist? I don't see anyone with such a dreadfully boring and plain name nearby, who are you talking to?"
Ugh, Elfbane, if you must.
"Oh! So it is me you are speaking with? How very coincidental I was just asking you about that device you held."
Yes yes, whatever. This is my, uh ... I'll call it a voice recorder, yes. VR for short. Veer fo sho. Veer foish? Veery. Veery nice to have it, it records my voice. In logs. Not wood logs. Voice logs. Paperwork without paper. Excellent. I'll sell millions to the elves. Veery. Aha.
"... did you forget to take your meds this morning?"
Aha, what? No, I, uh, forgot to bring them when we left. But look, you KNOW I can see better without those things. I made this voice recorder. I did it for science. Why doesn't it record all the other voices? The colours won't tell me why. Heeheeheeheehee. Oh, you silly green. Ahem. LOOK. I'm busy now. I need to finish these pre-notes.
"You're using this for the experiments? Of course! We reveal ourselves in our voices, and if it is by this we bare our soul, so too must deep elven curses be bound by speech. And to catch it, keep it from them, then we too might wield the power to bind them away from their dearly beloved forests!"
That's ... not exactly how it works. Look, if you want dramatics go play with Crystaleyes. She's trying to decide whether to date Kibeth or not. Ugh. Now shoo, I don't know how long this will

28th Obsidian
xed it. Where was I? Let me ... right.

Also present for the start of this experiment are six other dwarves. The first is Urist, ugh, Elfbane Chaotika. He has been an unfortunately long term acquaintance of mine since we were locked up together during the exile. Elfbane has been following me since I informed him of my intention to free us dwarves this prison. He loves the idea, but I don't think he actually takes my experiments seriously. Warla is my assistant, she has a good technical knowledge and experience constructing elaborate machines and deathtraps, mostly on her many older siblings. Kibeth is an ex-pirate from when we were at war with the natives here, and is willing to give his knowledge of the barrier to help break it. He also wants to strangle a shark, for some reason. Crystaleyes is a young dwarf who does not remember the exile, but believes that returning to the mainland would be "like, totally awesome" on the basis "there would, like, be sooooo many hot, rich dwarves giving me their numbers!". I believe she was referring to passcodes for their fortresses. Cookie farms and prepares our meals. He only joined after a forest fire burned his last fortress, a roaming titan crushed his wagon, and a giant eagle defecated in his ale. He hates water and was quite depressed when he learned our destination, but continued anyway.

Oh, I almost forgot, there's also Bahlthier. I haven't told the others, but he's actually a robot I built while sleepwalking once. A fully automated stone removal and construction unit using ale as fuel. Apparently I forget to water proof things in my sleep though, but, given the average dwarf can swim as well as a boulder, that only makes him more realistic.


(Oh embark screen, why won't you reveal these dwarves deepest secrets (ie gender)?)

Unless some disaster strikes, we should arrive at our destination tomorrow afternoon. I did embark with a number of scientific supplies, but last week some excited miner calling himself "Doomhammer" apparently convinced Crystaleyes to trade them for a rare and valuable commodity ... microline. Henceforth Warla was given all official positions, although Crystaleyes still insists on being the expedition leader. What little we still possess includes a weapon and body armour for Kibeth, bags for Crystaleyes to gather sand, a large number of wooden logs and two wardogs kept by Kibeth to chase off thieves.


(Fifty cat meat? Ceiling cat isn't watching you masturbate anymore. NOM NOM NOM.)

1st Granite
We've arrived! We're here! The colours are happy now, heeheehee! Well, almost. Our wagon broke before we reached the coast. Warla wasn't sure about my inventive design, and asked me to fix it. I tried, but felt a bit dizzy from the heat, and the entire thing exploded into blinding dust when I accidentally leaned on the self destruct button. There was a good reason I put that there. Ahem.

I'm looking around the area now, and it looks fairly unremarkable. There is, uh, a lot of yellow sand. There's a few trees growing here and there, some rhyolite pebbles. There's not much sand down by the ocean, but there is a LOT of obsidian. I'll set Bahl to mine some out later, but I guess we can build with microline for now. I don't see any other evidence of the magma supposedly present at this location, it must be reasonably underground. I can see a couple of camels and a jaguar in the distance, but they don't look hostile. Yet.

The ground is fairly level nearby. There are one or two uneven spots that could be made into a defendable fortress entrance, but not much else.

"Ahoy Maddy, you must be lookin' o'er har, yarr!"
... That was you Kibeth, wasn't it.
"Aye, matey, that it be."
Are you going to be talking like that for the entire duration of this experiment?
"Yarr, only until the landlubbarr author be sick o', and belay, typin' in such a starreotyped manner because the addled dog has not yet de'eloped bettarr me character description than "pirate", shi'er me timbers."
Uh, aha, what was it you wanted to show me?
"There's a cave not too far to the west that we could take shelter in until we have time to dig a better fortress closer to the beach."
That was quick.
"... yarr."

1st Granite, later
Okay, I'm back and aha, let's not hide out in the cave. Not there, no. It does appear to be a sturdy path into two levels of aquifer, but it's mostly thin passages we'd have to dig out further anyway and there are GREMLINS. EVERYWHERE. Little green horrible things wandering around causing havoc pulling levers oh god they'll flood us all we have to stay away away AWAY.
"Gremlins! A trickster of a foe, to fight a battle of the mind as much as the body, and, ah, Kibeth do you want to check if there are really ...?"
Yes Elfbane there are really Gremlins I am not imagining it! Aha no, LOOK, I drew you this graph, see here:


(Of course, this is only an approximation, we should throw Crystaleyes down there to confirm it.)

Also there is a giant and I have named her Uquuyi and it is pronounced "icky". Did I need to say that for the VR? Probably not but OH GOD A GREMLIN BEHIND YOU IT (Thump.)

"... No, she's just passed out. Don't worry, she does this all the time when she forgets her pills. Her next prescription is being forwarded here soon."
"Yarr, so I am going to clear this gremlin scum out of the cave or not?"
"What, without any time to build the tension? Of course not! See, there's even another location marked on the map. I'll ask Bahl to dig out a room for the food, and some shade for Maddy, and we can start hauling everything over. Then we can hack those slopes away and build a wall across the entrance or something."
"Fair enough. I'll tell the others. Yarr."


(I guess the BEFORE shot isn't that interesting by itself, huh.]


IN THE NEXT EPISODE of A.D.A.B.B.S.L.S.T.O.A.M.F.S.O.D.F.A.D. the author actually begins playing the game by hauling hundreds of individual items over desert into stockpiles! Will it be exciting? How exciting will it be? Are you excited?! STAY TUNED!

[muwahahaha]

...
...

HOLYMARGHAKBLEIAKKGMFKMFKHMFKMGAAAAHH. THAT WAS AWESOME!

... uh.. I mean...

I moderately support this opening story...

[Jackrabbit]

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I really don't know how to express how awesome and funny that was.

[Plank of Wood]

Don't feed the gremlins after midnight!

[Jamini]

On the skills screen if you switch over to the dwarf window and presss V you can view starting profiles AND gender.
 
As always, enjoyable.

[OneMoreNameless]

- CHAPTER TWENTY NINE: A Horrible, Horrible Idea -

A Page From The Diary Of Elfbane Chaotika

5th Hematite
Ah dear, beloved diary, how long it has been since our fates last converged! Months, time stretching on as far as this desert, further!, for even as I have trudged back and forth over the sand carrying barrel after barrel, log after log, I could see waves crashing in the distance; no cosy mountain tunnel, but a calming sight nonetheless. Yet I feared through seemingly endless labor no time might come where I could dip ink with pen and leave my thoughts on this, the most epic, yet overreaching, endeavor of ours; true freedom, what else? Alas, for even here where knowledge shall be born, our arrogance behinds us to drudgery.


(Seeing the ocean waves in motion for the first time was another awe inspiring moment from DF.)

Or, to write by the common hand, what the fuck was Maddy thinking?! I love her idea of grand fortresses and journeys of discovery, really I do, but these things take careful nurturing and developing, great heroes emerge from humble peasants etcetera. Instead, The Mad Scientist wakes up from her dizzy spell, hands Warla a pick, and begins designating massive areas of sand to be dug out. Once she calmed down enough to explain her scrawled diagrams we found they contained, among other things, five dwarf wide hallways, enough storage to house our supplies six times over, more tombs than we have dwarves, a series of rooms reserved for nobles, even a corridor for SHOPS, just in case we grow large enough for an economy! It was beautiful, until it sunk in that we had to dig and haul everything into place there.

Maddy's only concern was that she couldn't find space for any more than forty civilian bedrooms. I suggested just digging further downwards, at which point she exclaimed that in her revere she had forgot we could do that. The entire plan was in 2D.


(This, but several screens larger and with notes everywhere. It took me 45 minutes or so, at which point you'd better believe I backed up the savefile because there was no way I was going to redesignate everything if everyone was suddenly mobbed by gremlins or something.)

Bahl set to work without a complaint, estimating the digging would take four months. It's been three, and the digging is close to finished finished; Warla and Bahl have shifted so much sand that their skill would be considered legendary to most dwarves, but I'm afraid there just isn't the same level of glory, of heroism, of sheer epicness, from digging what amounts to our island's largest sandcastle. Myself and my other companions have only just finished hauling everything inside, and Maddy has now ordered us to move our food supplies AGAIN, into a deeper stockpile because she said so and we clearly haven't wasted enough time yet.

Yes, it has been an arduous season for everyone. Warla has been grumbling about not signing up for physical labor. Kibeth has been grumbling about the heat, and the lack of a fishery. Our food supplies will last us a while yet, and Cookie had a farm, kitchen and still running by mid Slate, but the reason is that we have precious time to spare walking back and forth from the beach to clean and store each catch. We are but fourteen hands ... Crystal has been grumbling about the lack of glass, but until we have to time explore for magma we can't spare the resources to mass produce it. Instead she has been trying her hand at masoning (slowly, and reluctantly) and pleading with Maddy to let her be an animal tamer (because "those wild camels are SOOOOO cute!"). She's been allowed to train any puppies, but warned to stay clear of wild animals. Cookie's been grumbling about how close we are to the sea, and the lack of variety in food. Everyone's been grumbling that Cookie needs to take a shower or something, but then again, his smell might be the only thing keeping those gremlins in their cave.

Bahl hasn't been grumbling, but Bahl's about as emotional as a C grade porn movie. The only person who might be cheery is Maddy, but that depends if you count random outbursts of giggling and dizziness as cheery. Regretfully I can't carve my epic poetry into sand walls, and nobody seems too inclined to use the refuse pile outside, but we've taken some steps to keep (the rest) of us sane. Even before much was dug out a few temporary workshops were set up to provide everyone with a bed and a door, and by now we have a simple dining room and a sculpture garden. We have a trade depot too; nothing to trade, but if any elves or humans from the mainland show up Kibeth fully intends to rob them.

Well, that's just about it for now, and I leave you with this poem that I think truly captures the spirit of this fortress:

Oh flowers will be the colours that they are
But all I have's sand and it's duller by far
To haul back and forth as a crazy girl said
So forget your roses now I'M seeing red

An Exert From The Mad Scientist's Voice Log

28th Hematite
Hi Warla! Have you finished digging? Are my designs finally complete?!
"I would like you to know, Maddy, that I am never doing that again. You can take this pick and dig your own lab next time, or I'll quit. I'm starting mechanisms now."
Uh, aha, Crystal used up the last of our raw microline.
"Then get Bahlthier to dig out some of that obsidian."
Yes, uh, but Crystal didn't get much done, and Bahl is our only prog-, uh, trained mason, and the only other person who knows how to mine is ...
"I am not happy about this."
And before you can start planning our defences we really need those slopes removed and a channel dug for our bridge.
"... ARGH. I wasn't hired for this!"
I promise I'll build you an office soon, okay? Oh, and can you keep an eye on the other dwarves too? Elfbane and I are going on break now.
"GOING TO KILL YOU."
Aha ... hee hee hee ... (Clattering, followed by fleeing footsteps then a faint thump.)
"Hm, what a baby. I must ask Urist about her medication."

Fluffycuddlekissesjoy Speaks

28th Hematite
I ... I THINK the dwarves have stopped digging now. I'm not even sure what they're doing down there. Building a deluxe oceanside resort for eighty or something? This is the first time they've stopped shoveling since the bastards came here, disturbing my rest. I narrowly escape through a fleeing goblin siege and tenuously tolerated the presence of elvish merchants while hitchhiking across the island to reach this quiet stretch of beach for a well deserved holiday only for more dwarves to show up. I'd be more angry with them if they weren't such a pitiful bunch; at least two of them are terrified by the ocean and I'm fairly sure their leader is crazy.

If nothing else, the smell of their farmer is enough to attract all the vermin within five miles of here. Whenever I'm hungry I can just take a stroll down the empty corridors and have easy pickings. I usually hunt a few extras just to leave the corpses around and scare the glassmaker. She thinks the desert is haunted. Mwahahaha!

... What? Don't give me that look. I'm on holiday and evil takes effort, damn it.


(I have Yellow by Coldplay stuck in my head right now. This may be a reoccurring problem!)

21st Malachite
I can't help but notice these dwarves aren't a particularly organised group. Sure they planned a stupidly large fortress in advance, but I was also finally spotted by one of the dwarves (the overly dramatic, probably gay one). The corridors were clear, and I couldn't hear any workshops in use, but only after I'd started hunting did I notice the dwarf eyeing me, half asleep and thirsty, trapped inside a jewelers workshops after walling himself in without anyone noticing. Then again, keeping him in one spot is probably an improvement to what they spend about ninety percent of their time doing: stockpiling, carrying, dropping, stockpiling, hauling, wandering off to get a drink, dropping, hauling and stockpiling AGAIN. The efficiency is so amazingly awful it's a wonder they even have beds to sleep on.

I think they've started to stockpile some wood, stone and basic resources near the workshops, but they really need at least three times as many dwarves to make it work. If it were me, I'd be finding the magma and camping out in a maybe three room minifort next to it. And then jumping into the pipe once I realised I was a dwarf. Gah, now I'm going to have nightmares tonight.

27th Galena
One of the miners was trapped outside a ditch for a while, but the sandcastle can somewhat defend itself now. Although it's still screwed if anything with wings decides to come back, or indeed any enemy smart enough to make the one level jump down to attack given as there are no traps or military yet. Or any guards, so invaders would probably be over the bridge before they realised they were being attacked. On the other hand, they do have a nice airlocked refuse pile inside now, and three puppies that can be trained as watchdogs when they grow up. And they're certainly never going to be caught off guard by migrants!

I just hope the goblin's victory party doesn't last too long, some of us rather enjoy our catnaps.

And now, it's time for ...
Whatever Happened To Clawsschemingslayerrage?

20th Timber
Syoan: "WE'VE MADE IT OUT! WE'RE FREE OF THAT DAMNED SITE!"
Nym: "Um, thank you Syoan, but I think the rest of use might have noticed that ourselves."

28th Opal
Ivanor: "Hey, we really need new clothes. These things are so thin I can't even hide snails in them."
Nym: "Why would you ... ? I probably don't want to know. We don't really have many trade goods left from what little we could carry away, though."
Strife: "Wait, I've got an idea!"

15th Obsidian
Strife: "Throw in seven pairs of leather gloves and it's a deal."
The Mad Scientist: "If you include the bags and I'll give you the seven pairs and twice as many spair socks."
Strife: "Done."

Present Day. Present Time! Hahahahahaha!
Elfbane: "... Does this cat meat taste evil to you?"
Cookie: "No, why do you ask?"

[Strife26]

Administrator: I take it you'd like to leve the mountainhome, huh?

Strife: Yes sir.
<Hands over documentation>
Administrator: I could swear that I just processed a chap named Strife a while ago.

Strife (quickly): Ummm. No relation.
Administrator: Are you hiding something? Strife isn't all that popular of a name . . .

<Puase>
Strife: Errrr . . . In some clans it's common to name an occasional dwarf after the . . . great adventurer/Titan/ninja?  . . .Strife?
Admin.: Okay. No skills huh? Well, do you have anyquestions about your rights?

Strife: Seriously, there's no realation. Really.

[Mephansteras]

Crystaleyes is off the opinion that we could make a fortune selling glass goblets to traders. The fact that we're not planning on trading with anybody doesn't stop her from repeating the idea.

Pity we can't burn driftwood.

[OneMoreNameless]

Actually, I fully intend on mass producing glass trade goods as our primary export once I've found the magma, but first I need to get through the aquifer, which probably means going through the cave, which would entail going through Icky ... And the magma is on the other side of the map from the fortress, so that's a problem in itself. I might end up digging a minifort for six or so dwarves, then locking them in just to feed themselves and churn out trade goods, only letting them out to use a nearby trade depot. Idle dwarves from the main fort can just haul the (theoretically less numerous but more valuable) imports back while I lock the six back inside again.

[Jackrabbit]

NO! Fluffycuddleskissesjoy! Why? WHY!

Don't forget Brutus from the next migrant wave. THe place is sand so he can be a glassmaker instead of a engraver

[OneMoreNameless]

- CHAPTER THIRTY: Roll Call -

The Mad Scientist's Voice Log

13th Limestone
More buildings! We need more buildings! I don't care if they're going to sit deconstructed because none of us actually know what a loom even does. (Elfbane thinks it's for hanging on the wall and ominously daunting all the dwarves underneath it.) I need more buildings! Heeheeheeheeehee! Must get rid of those microline blocks, they're watching me when I sleep. Build, my little dwarves, BUILD!

HEY. LISTEN! What did I just tell you to do. Was it haul? I don't think it was haul. It was ... oh god, it was haul, wasn't it. I'm losing time. I can't control my own words. Elfbane, if you can still hear me, stop your stockpiling labors and get back to making barrels. Or cages. Anything. Why am I the only one who can see how flawed your job priority is?! Are you all insane?! Aha. It's happened. I can see it all now. My mind has become SUPER SANE. The rules, the mechanics, the flawed AI, the magic, the purpose of it all, designed, not by Armok, but ... what? An echo ...

"Hey, Maddy. A dwarven caravan has arrived. They brought you another twelve months of your medication."
Elfbane! You have to listen, there are demons! Demons are coming, doom to all dwarves! I've heard voices, screaming from so far away. There were more. There were always more, there's no hope, we have to escape!
"I don't want to have to force these on you, but you know you're not controlled enough to lead your experiments without them."
No! You don't understand! I already know the answer, the barrier is easy! You'd love this, the drama, the scale of it all! The magic is OOMPH, get away, get off me! I'm not taking them, I can't risk it!
"... Okay, fine. Since I'm here, though, do you want any candy? Warla traded some of our cat meat for some. They're sugarfree blue pills."
Excuse me?! Are you calling me fat?!
"Uh, I meant, sugary blue pills."
Okay! Heeheehee, I'll have one! (Nom.) Uuuuuuuu ... you tricky bastard ... tell Bahl the barrier ... powered ... by ... p... (Thump.)

14th Limestone
I apologise to an future reviewers for the previous few months logs, I was not myself. From today I will be recording more concise and frequent logs; the slightest detail could, after all, prove vital for discovering the functional magic behind the barrier. Today, however, I shall be distracted by the dwarven merchants who have arrived at our depot. They have been waiting the night and there is some debate happening over whether to demand their goods for free. On one side, we need more important supplies than raw materials, and our science is for the benefit of all dwarfkind. Nonetheless it is questionable to deny them trade.

Cookie strongly believes we should demand them, believing his previous hardships deserve rewards. Surprisingly, Kibeth is strongly opposed to it, arguing dwarven loyalty should not be taken lightly. I tend to agree with Cookie. Like they deserve our trade, after all they did to me as a child. Teasing me about science. Said I should have been a miner. Parents hated me. What kind of dwarf hates microline, they said. Well I'll show them. I'll show them all, by SAVING them and we'll see who will be laughing then! AHAHAHAHAHAAA!

Ahem. My body is still reacting to the medication. We shall trade fairly, but I'm not sure what with. Elfbane, do you have any ideas?
"We may have few physical possessions of worth, but what worth are trinkets in the long run? We have skills, and legends in the making! Let's trade Bahl."
No.
"Aww. Well, I have heard rumours of two legendary mechanics selling trading their products to help trap the world. Syoan and Ivanor, I think their names where."
Syoan ... screaming, I ... Hmm, nevermind. We do have mechanisms made for traps, but only fifteen and they're low quality. Warla won't be able to trade them for much.
"Oh, I think she'll manage."
Warla: *Extreme dramatic anime-esch, five minute long, what-do-you-mean-it's-not-awesome posing, activating, juggling and presenting of -obsidian mechanism-* "LET'S TRADE."

24th Limestone
Our tame camel is, by the common definition of the word, a slut. She's given birth, and none of the wild camels have claimed ownership. To dwarven matters, it took some effort to convince my associates to bring the mechanisms to trade. First I disabled several stockpiles and forbid various items to no avail, only for Crystal to suggest I just ask everyone to stop hauling altogether. This worked*, and Warla was able to trade.

[*What Actually Happened - Crystaleyes: "You have tried, like, asking really nicely?" Maddy: "... Genius!" *kiss* Elfbane: "That was hot." Maddy: "Quiet, you."]

At first the mechanisms were too heavy for the already burdened caravans to carry, but Warla agreed to take a native gold block that weighed about as much as all the mechanisms combined. She also managed to bring away a rope (for tying up a watchdog outside), four barrels (two with ale), a few plump helmets and cat meat (Cookie has acquired a taste for it and has been eyeing our resident living feline hungrily), a caged horse and donkey, and a few cheap gems to decorate the sandcastle somewhat. Kibeth, Crystaleyes and myself are now bringing it inside, but my other associates have more important work to continue.

17th Sandstone
Twenty beds have been ordered made. Doors, cabinets and coffers will follow shortly. Even that is perhaps being optimistic, we have achieved little to attract dwarves into my laboratory yet. The merchants have left, chasing and killing two camels on their way. Recently Warla inquired if I had seen the liaison anywhere. I have not, but sent Bahl out to search for him. In fact, I should be getting back a response any ... Oh. Interesting. Reminder: Request wood, ale, cages, picks and an anvil when he eventually arrives.


(I later found his other shoe and sock on the very right hand side of the map.)

An Arbitrary Lengthy Period In The Life Of: Brutus, Animal Trainer

4th Timber
I'm early, it seems. The fortress is still HERE, if less developed and in far more of a mess than I recall, so I must only be a year or so off. Three dwarves were attempting to keep up with all the hauling, but the workplaces, uninstalled furniture and general mess was just piling up. Maddy was relieved when the other migrants and I arrived, if only because we could help carry crap everywhere. A few of us complained, but aside from Steinunn (who was ordered to craft stone trade goods) we were all assigned to clean up.

It feels strange working alongside all these dwarves to whom I am a stranger, yet I already know most of them well. I dare not tell them, for if they knew, they would steal this forbidden knowledge; time travel, of course. I came across the magic by accident when engraving patterns in walls elsewhere, and after many failures managed to send myself forward a few months. It felt wonderful, only for me to discover in my absence the chamber had been hacked out and stolen by some villainous miner. The design was underdeveloped, but in the wrong hands ... I had plans hidden elsewhere that I used to create a second chamber, this one rigged to collapse once used. With this I sent myself back in time to warn myself to never live under the mind of The Mad Scientist, where the idea truly began. Now I wait at the great sandcastle for my own arrival.

On the way I met up with the second wave of dwarves that Maddy recieved. Sarek, a sickly, paranoid bonecarver with occasional bouts of OCD. Steinunn, a female dwarf so dwarfy she's known to trip over her own beard. She's a brewer by trade, but learns stonecrafting soon. Warylon, an idealistic peasant with a knack for entertainment. He plans on learning metal smithing to support himself. Maggarg, an annoying, useless, thieving little trapper. Newb, an inexperienced swordsdwarf (currently an animal trainer) who enjoys battle and is willing to help clean up and tend the wounded afterward. Finally there's Hat, a simple, wise peasant who can't decide between confusing parables or harsh honesty. He's being taught masonry at the moment.

Oh yes, there's also some nameless and entirely unimportant hunter with us. He's been told to help Cookie farm.


(Not even SLIGHTLY relevant to the story, ever.)

20th Timber
Elfbane has convinced Maddy to form a military. Most of the dwarves aren't yet aware how much attention their experiments will draw, but Elfbane knows such important progress could never be kept a secret from the natives. We must arm ourselves before then. A handful of obsidian short swords are being made, as well as some wooden shields. A weapon rack is being placed outside to spar around. Kibeth has had some experience in swordplay, and will lead the recruits: Newb, Maggarg and myself.

1st Moonstone
Several walls are being built at the entrance to the sandcastle and the trade depot is being moved a little bit. Once it's finished there will be a ten by five area to channel invaders through that can be trapped and locked with floodgates if need be. Further outside, the military is ready and sparring is starting. I have been paired with Kibeth first and he's going to show me AAH MY FACE OH GOD GET THAT THING OUT OF MY CHEST!!


(Bad swordsdwarf, BAD. No weapons for you.)

19th Moonstone
Okay, all of us recruits are now at least competent in wrestling and have dabbled in shield use. Maddy has given us the swords back with a stern lecture bout careful use. The ground is being covered by blood splatters from small nicks and wounds, but we're starting to learn without any major dramas or accidental face stabbing. It seems empty outside, and I just realised why; Warla is so busy updating stockpile records that the trade depot hasn't been rebuilt yet.

28th Opal
When Maddy was drinking today she was struck by inspiration and rushed off to complete a new design. Not a strange mood, but an improbable invention that will shortly become more famous world round than anything else she ever achieves in this sandcastle; beer biscuits. Steinunn whole heartedly approved, what could be more dwarven than eating alcohol as well as drinking it?

While sparring today Maggarg was moderately wounded in his lower body and fell unconscious. He was carried into his bedroom and needs water brought to him, but we have no water sources. Which is somewhat ironic given THE OCEAN we're living next to. Thankfully (or unfortunately, given this is Maggarg we're talking about) Maddy dug up some old plans for a pump that can also desalinate water. Elfbane has been ordered to construct the components, and Bahl to channel water closer to our sandcastle, where it will be pumped into a separate dug out cistern. Bahl was very nervous about getting anywhere near water until Maddy reminded him of her First Law ... "Do the fuck what you're told", apparently. Somebody is bringing the watchdog back inside, since that rope is the only one we have to use in a well. Warla even took up her pickaxe without argument to speed the construction up.

2nd Obsidian
ARGH! ... can't breathe ... stabbed in throat ... corpse ... must ... warning ... self ...


(Aha, this is about to get even more awkward!)

An Exert From The Mad Scientist's Voice Log

2nd Obsidian
"... I'm not sure who killed him, yet."
Hmm. Thank you, Warla, please resume digging. I shall have to disband the military until we have strong armour, or enough dwarves to experiment with that I can afford to lose a few. Yes, for now my plan shall be ... Warla? Warla! She's fallen in the channel, and the ocean water is rushing towards her. WARLA, DIG A STAIRCASE UP, the water won't rise any further except where we pump it, not that anyone has constructed that yet. WARLA, CAN YOU HEAR ME? Is something wrong down there, she should be out by now. I'm going to check now ... What the heck?! She's fallen asleep! WARLA, WAKE UP!


(Legendary dwarves are not supposed to do this.)

Oh god, the water is rising. It's up to her knees already and she's still sleeping. Where's Bahl? I don't even know and - wait. What's that? Hmm, that's interesting. I wonder if I dug another channel to direct it further southwards I could use that to regularly clean the barracks. What if I dug a separate channel underneath, could I fill that with water? I must set up a testing zone.


(This requires SCIENCE!)


IN THE NEXT EPISODE of A.D.A.B.B.S.L.S.T.O.A.M.F.S.O.D.F.A.D. this dramatic and slightly cruel cliffhanger will be thrillingly concluded, and there will also be fishing! Who killed Brutus? Is this the end of Warla and Maggarg? Will Kibeth catch a fish thiiiiiis big? STAY TUNED!

[Maggarg - Eater of chicke]

Pah, other Maggargs have endured far worse.
I was once strangled by my wife.