Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[Jackrabbit]

Oh for fucks sake. Thanks for the pointless story lengthener though. I enjoyed it.

Okay, new dwarf. Jim Jones. The new, the faceless, the totallygoingtodiethreesecondsin, glass maker!

[OneMoreNameless]

Pointless story lengthener? Oh come on, it was an obvious excuse to have a younger Brutus show up again in the next migrant wave. But if you think it's that simple, you underestimate my ability to write horribly convoluted time travel paradoxes for no good reason whatsoever.

[Jamini]

Wake up me! Wake up me! Hurry, before the waves of the ocean seal our
DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
*gasp*
...
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
M.

*GASP*

[Jackrabbit]

Pointless story lengthener? Oh come on, it was an obvious excuse to have a younger Brutus show up again in the next migrant wave. But if you think it's that simple, you underestimate my ability to write horribly convoluted time travel paradoxes for no good reason whatsoever.

Okay, Brutus comes back. nice to see  you care. 

[Strife26]

Can I have another dwarf, please?
His name is (also) Strife, not the same one though (it's not like there isn't a million and a half Uristi).

A crossbower or any military dwarf'd be great, anything is fine though.

[OneMoreNameless]

- CHAPTER THIRTY ONE: Merchants, Moods And Meh -

A Page From The Diary Of Elfbane Chaotika

6th Obsidian
Ah, the delicious irony. It has been several days since Brutus's unexpected death, and the murderer has finally been caught. Warla had been questioning the living ex-recruits, but it was Sarek who accidentally overheard the culprit giggling to themselves over their first kill. It was not the experienced Kibeth or the heavily suspected even while wounded Maggarg, but Newb who killed Brutus. He claims he didn't know the throat was a bad place to aim for. I've been told by Maddy to keep a careful eye on Kibeth over the next few days, but Newb is being lot off this time.

Oh, and it took waist deep ocean water (and probably a fish up her skirt) to do it, but Warla finally woke up. She then calmly dug her way out of the channel like nothing had happened. Maggarg is still yelling for water, about every ten seconds. Secretly, I wish he would just die quietly.

10th Obsidian
The trade depot has been reconstructed, so we don't have to worry about missed trade anymore. That is important, but ... I mean I know none of us are any more than passing acquaintances to him ... I think I'm going to have a word with Warla about designing that well. I'm fine without another death foreshadowing our internal strife or something.

14th Obsidian
A few dwarves have nearly finished constructing the well, only to find that we apparently don't have any rope free to use. That clearly wasn't right. Warla consulted the stock records to find that yes, we do have a rope, but whoever brought the watchdog back inside forgot to take the rope off the dog first. It's tied around the torso of a puppy somewhere. Maddy ordered the rope dumped, but none of the idle dwarves had any idea how to untie the horribly convoluted knots that had been used. At this point Maggarg is dehydrating. Maddy irritably came out from designing her latest half crazed invention to yell to Bahl something about "killmode".

25th Obsidian
The puppy was struck down. The rope was retrieved. The well was completed. Hat rushed to the well, carrying an empty bucket. But by the time anyone reached Maggarg's room, alas, it was all useless ...


(That son of a bitch healed JUST in time to casually save himself. LOL.)

13th Granite
Without sparring to keep him occupied, Kibeth has grown restless from just hauling lately. In his spare time he started fishing from the channel that was dug towards the well. After quickly catching several meals worth of fish, and seeing the farming plots suspiciously empty, Maddy allowed Kibeth to begin fishing full time. (Warla also reorganised a few labors so the farm work was done, thankfully I was spared either tedium!) Maggarg was thrown out to clean the catches, but promptly went on break. Maddy has also been experimenting with the waves, and came back today with the SHOCKING conclusion that water will, in fact, fill channels. Steinunn pleaded with Warla for hours to construct a trap that would let us drown elves using only the power of nature.


(Sadly, there are no elves nearby this fortress, so he was refused. )

5th Slate
Maddy has started trapping the castle entrance. When they're all constructed there will be two rows (ten traps total) of cage traps, two rows of weapon traps and six rows of simple stone fall traps. Warla started churning out mechanisms again, but is kind of disapointed that nothing more epic is being made. Well, as the dwarven saying goes, you have to wear kitten armour before you can survive to wear carp. Steinunn has started creating more obsidian short swords for the traps, but after everything I've been making we don't have much wood left.

9th Slate
Migrants! No measly eight volunteers this time, the population of our sandcastle has over doubled from the dwarves streaming inside to participate in Maddy's experiments. Mind you, two are children and most will be learning new professions. Still, with this many hands, we might finally have the spare time to actually DO things instead of just hauling stuff over the place! Today is a new day, a fresh start for this not quite glorious but damn it we're getting there sandhole! Even Maggarg is getting a little bit into the mood, even if only by smiling when he steals fish from our hands. Maddy's cackling laughter of "It's working! Exactly as planned! We have finally have blessed, blessed IDLERS! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! Let's dance!" is a bit worrying, I think she may have lost her meds.

Our total population is now thirty six, including among the number ... Brutus?! When he showed up everybody rushed him, asking what was going on. Brutus was a bit timid at first, but gave us explanation almost too awesome to be true: Once some time ago (for him) he arrived at this sandcastle to find himself dead with nobody knowing why. He worked under Maddy for a short time before leaving for less awkward fortresses. Some time later Brutus stumbled across a chamber engraved with some symbols he remembered learning and experimenting with while in the sandcastle, but many he didn't, all in his unique engraving style. He tried using the chamber to travel backwards to find out why he died, but being unfamiliar broke it in the process. It was then he realised he must died at the fortress trying to stop himself from inventing the device that was stolen ... but that he now knew was only taken by himself. Brutus was aghast he had arrived too late to save himself, and has now vowed to work here as long as it takes to be inspired with the knowledge to create a new time travel chamber.

That's confusing. I love it! Anyway, we mostly have enough furniture for the migrants, so it's install-your-own-bedroom night in the sandcastle! Bahl, Hat and myself are producing the rest, so the weapons traps have been put on hold until we have more wood. There are also kittens running around, and this scares me. We only have one cat. What was it that Maddy told Bahl again? Oh right, KILLMODE.


(It looks almost busy now!)

27th Felsite
The spirits of legendary dwarves have finally deemed our sandcastle worthy of their attention! The first to be blessed was Cookie, who was take by a fey mood and rushed off to the craftdwarf's workshop. At roughly the same time, Maddy created her first masterpiece mechanism. Built from obsidian, Warla has estimated the value of it at over one thousand. Cookie grabbed several of our last wood logs and some cat leather that ... I didn't even know we HAD, I guess one of the migrants made it when we killed those kittens, huh. The end result was kind of letdown though, and we're never going to have much need for a legendary woodcarver either. Cookie just sighed, mumbled something about the fates hating him, and went back to farming.


(The Delight of Gills? Made from a cat? Really?)

Sarek has started decorating furniture with the leftover bones from fishing. It does increase their value, but Sarek nearly had a fit when he ran out and realised the furniture was unevenly decorated. He had to spend several days carefully arranging our stone trade goods closed to the depot before he calmed down.

A Week(ish) In The Life Of: Warla, Miner

16th Hematite
Human merchants have arrived, and it's mostly up to the migrants to start carrying everything out to trade. I'll be trading a few valuable mechanisms (high quality or decorated), a large number of cheap stone crafts, most of our wine roast (cooked using the same method as Maddy's original beer biscuits), that nameless hunter's bolts and the clothing of the first Brutus. Waylon offered to trade entertainment for goods, but backed down when he realised the third wave of roaring laughter from the merchants wasn't with him.

18th Hematite
A snatcher! Given the number of guards the merchants travel with, this can only mean one thing: more free clothing to trade.

21st Hematite
It's started raining, and I'm already tired of hearing complaints from the haulers caught in the rain. Apparently I am the go-to dwarf when Maddy is in her more eccentric moods. Despite my better judgment I agreed to construct a roof over the depot in the future. Perhaps I'll rig it to collapse on command, if only to improve negotiations from my end.

24th Hematite
I have completed negotiations with this caravan, and dwarves are bringing the goods inside as I speak. The value of our goods was slightly over nine thousand, although why Maggarg kept screaming that I cannot fathom. We acquired a large number of wooden logs, two more ropes (a puppy was ordered tied outside), four cages with one dog and donkey, three barrels, one pick, eight or so leather bins (for cheap armour and perhaps decoration later) and two anvils (these will probably remain unused until we find magma). These were worth far less than our goods, so I took our best mechanisms and roasts back. The merchants looked so sad that on Hat's encouragement I offered the wine roast for free. After a free sampler, they'll come running back to buy more next year ...

I haven't met their liaison yet, but these are what I intend to request when I do: Wood, weapons (for further traps, of course), picks, barrels, and alcohol, of which it is a proven fact you can never have too much.

A Day (Technically) In The Life Of: Kibeth, Fisherdwarf

20th Limestone
Yarr, it has been a good few months in this sandcastle. One of one children has already grown a pair and started laboring like the rest of us. Elfbane threw a long party at the microline statue once the merchants had left, but only a few dwarves bothered to show up. While Elfbane was distracted Maddy ordered the majority of the wood used in the creation of obsidian short swords to finish our trapped entryway. At least a few will be kept aside, as Maddy is intent on starting the military up again to free this sandcastle from the threat of those wretched gremlins that the rest of us had pretty much forgotten about. Armour is being made, along with waterskins and the like, but they're not finished yet. The fact that nobody has bothered to bring in the leather bins might be helping that, yarr.

Two of our puppies have grown into dogs, and were trained into war dogs. Crystal was heard crying over their loss of innocence, the wimp. Wimpess. Whatever. Dwarven merchants arrived this month. Warla manged to trade a few totems, mechanisms, roasts and silk goblin clothes for a moderate amount of wood, a few cages and animals, barrels, booze, two picks, and some more leather. Fishing has been good lately, although I still wish for stronger foes to gut, yarr. There is one other dwarf fishing and three or four who clean the fish out from two fisheries when needs be. The catch is good, and Cookie's fish roasts are tasty.

... I ... I have just had the best idea ever, yarr. Out of my way, useless haulers! Fuck your swords, that workshop is MINE! Tanned hides, I need tanned hides! And one of you bastards bring me some shells, I NEED SHELLS RIGHT FUCKING NOW! What do you mean we don't have any, screw that. Yes I'm aware there aren't any turtles or anything nearby, just GET ME SOME OR I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GOING TO GO BERSERK AND STAB YOUR MILITARYLESS SANDCASTLE TO DEATH!


(That is exactly what the game said. Do not question this.)

[OneMoreNameless]

I'd already written that when I saw the request, but I'll dwarf Strife as one of the new recruits in the next chapter!

[Jackrabbit]

I would question you, but you would probably kill Brutus again.

(By the way, how did you do that? Not saying that you did though. But how exactly.)

[OneMoreNameless]

(By the way, how did you do that? Not saying that you did though. But how exactly.)

First, I took a screenshot of Kibeth's demands. Then, I opened up MS Paint ... 

[Jackrabbit]

  That never works for me... Stupid color problems.

[OneMoreNameless]

- CHAPTER THIRTY TWO: It Begins ... ("It" Is Fun Battles!) -

The Mad Scientist's Voice Log

21st Limestone
"... then FIND them, and start taking complaints yourself!" (Fading footsteps.)

Eeeeee, Warla is scary when she's being regarded as my secretary. I can't help it if the other dwarves are reluctant to approach me, I mean, it's not my fault none of the voices will speak to THEM. Anyway, she said something about rain? I'll tell Bahl, Hat and a few others to build a roof over the traps and depot. First I'll need to put a staircase up, since it's a loooooong way around with the natural slopes were dug out. It's a little bit risky since gremlins could sneak in or something but it won't take long and I'll take them down afterwards and I'm sure it'll be fine.

Oh yeah, I just remembered. Gotta lock Kibeth in his workshop before he snaps and starts killing people for shells. And they call ME mad? AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA what. It's funny.

25th Limestone
Goblins! They've killed our watchdog and are heading towards our vulnerable fortress! THIS SHOULD SURPRISE NOBODY. Warla, you're working right next to the lever, pull it! Keep those bastard third cousins to the gremlins out! This isn't right, we had a peace, well not-stab-each-other treaty with the goblins. What happened to the hugs?! Why the stabby faces?! Oh god they're coming around to enter via the staircase. BREAK IT DOWN! ... Waylon, stop trying to rap, this is serious.

27th Limestone

(I still think that's a lot of greenery for a "desert".)

The staircase is down, and the goblins are stuck outside. This is good. This is OH SHIT ARROWS EVERYBODY GET INSIDE! (Pew, pew, pew.) The shooting as stopped, I think he's out of ammo. Or lulling us into a false sense of security. Or ... both. Ahahaha. NO. Get a hold of yourself Maddy. Damn it, where did I put my medication anyway? Forget it. CRYSTALEYES. Status report, go!
"Uh, we're, like, okay I think? One or three of the merchant guards were hurt, but, like, they have armor and stuff so they'll be fine. Um, a wardog is really badly wounded. OMIGOSH, there's a dwarf body out there! Ewewew! The liaison was killed!"
Uh, heh, good things dwarves don't siege. I kind of forgot the merchants were even still out there. Warla, open the bridge! ... The goblins aren't attacking. Unusual. Uh, I guess somebody can go back outside to get that body before it rots.
"Um, Mad Scientist, I think one of them is sneaking around the other way."
... What? AAAAHH! Back inside, back inside! Let the guards deal with it!
"Oh GROSS, right in the water supply, MEGA ICKY!"


(Meanwhile, Sarek has a panic attack and Brutus struggles with himself not to spoil the ambush's outcome.)

Hey, listen! You guards! Yeah, I'm talking to you. You had better-
"Um, Mad Scientist, that's a microline statue."
Right. I knew that. Hey guards! NOW I'm talking to you. At least one of you dwarves have a crossbow and they're out of ammo, why don't you shoot back or something?! (Counter-pew, pew, pew.) Thank you. NEWB. Status report, now!
"But I'm, like, right here and everything! Ahem, there is like only one totally wounded goblin left alive."
Quiet, Crystal, I'm waiting for Newb to ... Wait, where is Newb? Oh forget it. Let's just get our goods inside and hope the blood attracted more fish to catch.

8th Sandstone
Oh, there is he is. Hey everyone, you can start looting those silk gloves and whatever now. And get back to work on that roof. I want it strong, and I want it sturdy, and I want it white. Save that obsidian for trade goods or furniture or AUTOMATIC GOBLIN STABBING MACHINES. "Weapon traps", if you will.


(And Newb takes a second kill home FTW, now with less own goals!)

16th Sandstone
... Warla. Was that injured wardog just killed by one of your own traps?
"Yes."
Hmm. Okay, carry on.

19th Sandstone
WHEEEEEE, PARTY AT THE MICROLINE STATUUUUUUEEE! Warla, you're invited! Cookie, Crystal, and ... and ... whatever the names of you other dwarves are! Oh sure Urist, you can come if you want, I mean, I did invent a better party than you. Heeheeheeheehee.

7th Timber
Kibeth has finally broken down and gone insane. He's crawling and babbling and scaring our child. And Crystal. And Sarek. And Cookie, remembering his own mood. The only thing that's more scary than Kibeth is that cat. Ever since we killed those kittens it's been a war path. Jumping out of bins to scratch faces, lurking suspiciously by levers, leaving hairs ALL OVER the place. Once it caught me looking at it, and I suddenly felt this overwhelming urge to do evil. Luckily the voices have already warned me to bide my time, so the cat just hissed and strode away.

Hey you know what we need? More doors. Doors everywhere! Hat! DOOR EVERYTHING.
"I am afraid I can't do that, Maddy. Many of our entryways are too wide to place doors across."
Well, well, at least door all the workshops! That created wealth doesn't come from nowhere, you know. Where.
"Of course."
OKAY! Good. Yes. Now. Right. Military. This time I shall ensure all recruits are trained in wrestling for a longer period of time, let's say until they hit elite level, and will also have full leather body armour. I'll order them to carry food and water with them at all times, and kill any wildlife that gets too close. Newb has made two kills, technically, so I'll let him take command. Also drafted into the Thorns of Creation will be Maggarg, a bored planter I'm informed is named Strife, and ... that other planter, who was a hunter? Came with the first migrants, I think? Whatever. Go spar. And Newb? No choking.

Hmm. I think I'll start putting those weapon traps together now. Four obsidian short swords in each, and whatever few other weapons we've picked up.

16th Moonstone
Krrk, this is The Mad Scientist to Voice Log, come in Voice Log. Maggarg has reached elite status, I repeat, Maggarg is an elite wrestler. Requesting permission to grant swords? DENIED, not until the others are better at dodging. Experiments into the subduing of Maggarg have all failed, he is refusing to train under Newb. Fine. Maggarg, you can lead the military for all of a few weeks. Hey Newb. Remember that part about not choking? I take it back, RIP OUT MAGGARG'S THROAT FOR GREAT JUSTICE.

Also, some random metalcrafter with a pick found opals. Luckily he decided to leave it to Bahl to dig them out, although we already lost some obsidian to his clumsy hacking. It's not that I can't just have more dug out, it's that we have to walk even further to carry it back to the fortress. We can't dig south because there is sand everywhere. We can't dig up because there is, uh, air. We can't dig down YET because there's a aquifer YET. Just you wait until the military is trained and then I'll show those gremlins who is the boss and who has swords. Actually, uh, Newb, you'd actually better hold back on the choking for a bit longer.

26th Moonstone
Damn it Armok, this is a DESERT. It is not supposed to RAIN here.

Two Weeks, Two Days, Five Hours, Forty Seven Minutes And Twelve Point Zero Five Seconds In The Life Of: Newb, Combat Medic

3rd Opal
omg wtf there are moar goblins outside from wherever lol... there goes nother puppy!!!1! warla pull a lever and the brdige retracts and the goblins stuck rofl. goblins yelling something about dawrvesn relesing grate evil must punish dwarves or something dunno wtf their on about. kibeth died and he fuckin stinks somebody open the door and put the copr se away or somethinbg. the catll eat it i bet. maddy laem wont let us fight. were msotly elite and we have sowrds!!!!! they have wimpy whip and no ranged or anything i think theyr gary lolwut i mean GAY HOMO FAG RAAAAAR HOMOPHOBIA WCAPS LOCK POWER FTW11111111111

yay we get to fight now. go get swords xp gain time i call dibs on the tresure drops. after while i mean we hasd to like drink and stuff were ready to fight exc=pt that exhunter dwarf zzzzzing bt moar xp for us lol.

13th Opal
bridgd get opej now and we attack llike leeroy jenkins but we arent newbs lol wait.


(I am truly sorry, but if it's any consolation, typing this is hurting me just as much as it should you.)

PWNED woot! all the gobbos dead and none of us even were even scratchedwe just owned that much roflwaffle. to celebreat we go chase camels but they'r etoo fast to catch and stsabby D: imma go by myself and see if i can uhoh wtf WHERE R MY TEAM?? omg u all suck


(This was probably destined ever since I named a recruit "Newb".)

MARTIAL TRANCE PWOER GO stab stab stbat stab stbast sbta bastb stab stba rtsb tabs stab stabsstab wooooo total rout no scratches! pft  so exhunter helped chase them of but still all me really. lol at strife chasing camels on the other side of teh map. he tries to come bak and spar but just get distracted by more cmales. heh wat a nooby good thing he have food him or wat


(Song Flydeer? I think Newb just killed Santa.)

A Day In The Life Of: Steinunn, Stonecrafter

18th Opal
OUT OF THE WAY YOU STUBBY BASTARDS the spirit of a legendary dwarf has chosen me to craft his final artifact! By my possessed hands our pathetic sandcastle shall be adorned by dwarven greatness!
"Um, I, um, wouldn't shout that so loudly if I were you."
Shut up, Brutus and fetch me obsidian! FUCK Kibeth, all I need for my crafts is PURE ROCK. Now that's dwarfy!
"Aha, yes, it's right here ..."
Alright. Legendary craftsdwarf of the past, use my hands well for your genius! (Be gentle with me.)

Wha ... what is this crap?! An earing?!
"I, um, tried to warn you."
No, look! This is very dwarfy. It ... it MENACES with that spike. "Blowntwinkle" is, uh, a euphemism for rough sex. It ohgodit'snotmyfaultIwaspossessediamreallydwarfysweartoArmok.

[Jackrabbit]

That bastard counter strike player killed Brutus! I demand redemption despite having been told this earlier and doing nothing!

[Boksi]

Fortunately for me, I wasn't drinking anything while reading that update

[Ririka]

Your stories are so hilarious. Could I have a dwarf?
Name: Rika
Gender: Female
Occupation: Any military

And Newb's ..."diary" reminds me of myself when I couldn't write English very well...

[Strife26]

Sheesh.
I wonder how embarassed Newb is.