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[Splint]

Seems I have some posts to update when I get home.

[Monitor Lisard]

Okay, so I decided to make a 3D model of the artifact aseaheru made, I did as good as I could with what sleep I've had.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Whoah, that's some neat 3D artwork you have there, I like how the animals and the handle turned out.

Also, journal time!

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

From the private journal of Rifa Inkfeather, reporter for Onol Ashok:

It's been raining outdoors... for a good while. This "blood falling from the sky" thingy does really take its toll on everyone's sanity. Current overseer's totally obsessed with getting pumped up and shit, and is raving about weight rooms and regime. Aseaheru, one of the local woodworkers, went bonkers and in his madness made an intricate-looking wooden door. Croc's freaking out too - the weather gives him some kind of horrific flashbacks I am not asking him about. As much as I want to comfort the detective somehow, that would really make me cross that Awkward Line of Awkwardness (as you might call it). Enough that they wrote me down as his spouse on arrival and had us share a room! Regrettably, we had another bed brought in only in three days or so... So knightly of Mr. Сlaspcroak was to sleep on the froor during those days. Not to mention other, even more pressing issues. What a shame!

So much for Mrs. Claspcroak.

Anyway, some decent front-pagers were promised, and I'm really looking forward to it. A couple of fishy-looking corporate agents hover around this place, and moreover, some of those have shown interest in settling here! Sounds promising. What dirty secrets I am to uncover here? Maybe something concerning their experiments with the wildlife?

*there is a rough sketch of a cherubird in the middle of a page*

Talking about weight rooms. I figured out, it would be neat to do some workout while things go slow here. And the other day, I've seen something really unsettling at the gym. Was going for some SWEET SQUATS, as Mr Frog calls them, and stumbled right across this thing. Was *this* close to peeing myself.



Yeah, who would've known, a domesticated SoH. And it talks as well! Shit's fucked up. Like, really fucked up. It has a Ballpoint-designed device secured on it's head which helps it to communicate. Also, it's got a huge-ass horn sticking out of its cranium. What have I witnessed there? The world's full of wonders, like really. Should I write a column about that?

Also, the full version of the picture was somewhat large, so I cropped it a bit, getting rid of some statue's muscular goodness.

[Aseaheru]

 Wait, Im a cook? I thought I was a wood worker who studies meat pies in their spare time...

[Monitor Lisard]

Wait, Im a cook? I thought I was a wood worker who studies meat pies in their spare time...

Well, your dorf's a woodworker, just thought Rifa won't really spot the difference. I might correct it if you want tho.

[Mr Frog]

OH MY GOD SPAWNBRO'S ADORABLE

[Aseaheru]

Eh. up to you.

[Splint]

Alright! Hopefully I have everything updated.

[Mr Frog]

9 Malachite 319

HOLY SHIT BRO! I TOTALLY FUCKING FIGURED IT OUT!

See, I'd been wondering how the hell those mechanism-things worked. Wondering and wondering, bro. They didn't even need to be hooked up to anything or anything. Just pop them in and pull the lever. Fuckin' wild. So I was all, "Dude, how the fuck does it work?"

Then, I had the BEST FUCKING IDEA. I asked myself, "What would that dude I'm named after (still can't remember his name hahaha) do?" And then the answer, like, totally fucking hit me. It hit me like a muscle cramp, bro.

He'd MESS AROUND WITH A WHOLE BUNCH OF THEM and FUCKING WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN. And I was all, "Bro, if that great science-y dude would've done it, it's obviously a good idea." So that's what I did. I got a bunch of mechanisms from the shop, smashed them apart and shit, and was all, "Holy crap I'm writing all of this shit down" because HOLY CRAP I NEEDED TO WRITE THAT SHIT DOWN. Shit was wild, bro.

AND THEN IT HIT ME. IT WAS ALL SO FUCKING OBVIOUS, BRO. JUST LOOKING AT MY NOTES AND SHIT. I TOTALLY FIGURED OUT HOW THEY WORK, BECAUSE I'M A FUCKING GENIUS.
Too bad someone came down and complained about the water fountain being filthy. Kinda interrupted my train of thought:



Totally forgot everything after that, hahaha. And then I accidentally drank my notes (thought they were protein powder, hahaha). So I guess I kinda wasted my time and a whole bunch of mechanisms. Still. FUCKING GENIUS.

Since I'm a FUCKING GENIUS now, I was all, "So what would a FUCKING GENIUS do in this scenarification?" Well, obviously, he'd ORDER THE NEW WATERCOOLER TO BE SMOOTHED LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING BOSS. So that's what I told the engravers to do. FUCKING GENIUS!


Also, the goods stockpile I designed like a FUCKING GENIUS is all finished, bro. Told the dudes not to put mugs in it since I didn't want everyone running back and forth to get them and shit. FUCKING GENIUS.

Speaking of Mugs, our one dude has become, like, FUCKING LEGENDARY at making them. So I gave him a new title:



BOSS-ASS MOTHERFUCKER.


We're pumping out metal bars super slow, dude. Remember how I told a bunch of dudes to be brewers a month ago? Well, I did that again. Except I told them to be furnace operators. Bro.

And I'm putting a roof on the fortress garrison outhouse-thing that's over our entrace. Don't want the surveylince thingy in the FROG to catch a cold, bro. That'd, like, severely undermine its effikasy kickass entrance-watching powers.


16 Malachite 319

Our miner-dudes are finally free and shit, so I'm having them dig out a BIG FUCKING PASTURE for all of our BIG FUCKING PASTURE NEEDS:



Soon we'll be able to get the horses inside and away from my PURE FUCKING PROTEIN, the greedy bastards.


19 Malachite 319

Humans are on their way out today. Totally forgot to trade with them, bro. So I did the next best thing and snuck some Ballpoint catalogs onto their wagons! Best idea I've ever had, besides all the other ones I mean. FUCKING GENIUS!

Bruh. The Mugsmith-dude is pumping out mugs so fucking fast that the hauler-dudes can't even keep up:




24 Malachite 319

Aw yeah. The FROG's finally finished. Wisdom of the ancients and shit:



According to this catalog, "The whatchacallit dog on a rope can see the fortress's entrance through the grates. It's, like, trained to lose its fucking shit if it sees something nasty." It goes on for a bit about the wisdom of the Founders, great and terrible deeds of the Exile, and our half-off sale on railguns next month. Cool shit.

Speaking of cool shit, OUR MOTHERFUCKING TEMPLE IS NOW OPEN FOR FUCKING BUSINESS:



PUMPMASTERS^tm! STATUES OF BUFF DUDES WITH THE SAME AWESOME ARMS AS ME! HOLY SACRAMENTS AND SHIT! THE CHURCH OF MUSCLES^tm LITERALLY FUCKING HAS IT ALL. AND IT'S ALL AVAILABLE COMPLETELY FOR FREE, BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING BALLPOINT ("Your Safety Is Our Business"^tm) REPS KNOW, IT'S HOW TO TURN A MOTHERFUCKING PROFIT. (Gotta get those dudes in, and if they don't have to pay anything, I'll get more customers overall! FUCKING GENIUS!)


1 Galena 319

Bro. That one dude, the one who gave me this book? He came barging into my office (well actually it was the weight room but it's basically my office hahahaha) and was all "THIS IS TOTALLY FUCKING UNACCEPTABLE" and shit. I was all "Whoa bruh what's happening" and he was all "The mugs, bro! We aren't making enough of them! THE MUGS MUST FUCKING FLOW, DUDE, AND THEY AREN'T FLOWING FAST ENOUGH!" Dude, I totally understand. Gonna go get more dudes working on the stone pile straight fucking away.

And I told the engravers to smooth out literally EVERY SURFACE IN THE ENTIRE FORTRESS, starting with the living areas. I call it: "MR FROG'S FORTRESS BEAUTIFICATIONIFICATION PROJECT". HELL YEAH

Finally moved the horses outside to the indoor pasture. That PURE FUCKING PROTEIN's all mine now, dude.

Speaking of keeping animals safe, I'm putting in some MOTHER FUCKING SAFETY COUNTERMEASURES in case bad dudes manage to wreck the FROG. (PS. The animals it'll keep safe are us, dude. That dog's pretty much boned either way):




Just checked the pantry, and we have 73 units of dingo tallow, bro! That's a lot of fucking saturated fats, dude! The dudes were all, "we should cook this shit dude" but I said "HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL NO". That shit is so fucking bad for you. But you know what is good for you? SOAP. (Not to eat. Trust me. I've tried.) We're gonna make some fucking SOAP. But first, we're gonna expand the fucking WOOD SHOP.   YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


3 Galena 319

TERRIBLE SHIT, DUDE! Imic was outside getting a drink when she... got stuck up a tree for some reason?



Yeah, I'm confused too, Giant Book of Shit! (You get me, bro.) Probably trying to do pullups or some shit. Happens to me all the time!

Obviously, since I'm the BEST HUSBAND EVER, I was all, "shit, I gotta help my babe down from there".

So naturally I had the tree cut down. Seemed the fastest way to do it.



Kinda got bumped up a bit on the way down. Nothing too bad, though.



That ankle will heal right up, bro.
Which reminds me, we still need to get a hospital up in here. It'd suck if I pulled a muscle and there was nowhere to go:



Put it near the water fountain so the docs can clean people faster. MOTHERFUCKING GENIUS.


6 Galena 319

Got a dude coming up to me, saying "we're totally out of tetrahedrite, dude!" I was like, "Thanks bro, but there's a whole vein of it right here! Nobody's even gotten to it!":



In retrospection, dude, maybe I should have paid a bit more attention. He called me a haggises – probably trying to make me feel better – but I didn't really feel like I deserved it. You gotta earn a title like that, y'know?

Bridges in the farm level are all set up. Now we need something to work them with. That can totally be arranged, dude:



Put it next to the tavern so dudes can get to it quickly. MOTHERFUCKING GENIUS.


10 Galena 319

Whoa dude. You'll never believe what we found when we were expanderating the wood shop:



FUCKING TETRAHEDRITE, BITCH. So stoked about this. Told the miners they were haggises. They seemed pretty stoked about that. IN CONCLUSIONATION: Everyone's fucking stoked. FUCK YEAH


17 Galena 319

Dude. Best idea ever. Since we're not putting mugs up in the goods pile, WHAT IF we had ANOTHER FUCKING ROOM in a CONVENIENT FUCKING LOCATION to put them in?



BAM. There you have it. MOTHERFUCKING GENIUS.

Bunch of dudes are talking about a fire imp getting into it with a crab down in the magma sea:



Hear they're cooking up popcorn and going down to watch. Sounds intense, dude.


20 Galena 319

Bad news, bros. The Mugsmith is smithing his mugs SO FUCKING FAST that it's taking all of our hauler-dudes just to keep up. Got a bunch of piles everywhere that aren't filled at all.
Now, there are things I didn't want to do. Choices that are, like, hard and stuff. But running a fortress means making hard decisions. And this was a super hard decision, bro. Took a lot of deciding. But I've decided.



No more crafts for a while. Gotta let the other piles recover a bit. Sorry, Dude Who Threw A Book At Me. But sacrifices have to be made and shit.

But you know what isn't a sacrifice?

That's right – HOOKING UP LEVERS TO SHIT. And that's exactly what I'm fucking doing now:



That shit's gonna work the farm level bridges AND the drawbridge in the entrance. This way we can block all our shit off with A SINGLE FUCKING LEVER FLIP.  MOTHERFUCKING GENIUS!

THE MUGPILE is open for some motherfucking business



Who's ready for mugs? WE'RE READY FOR MUGS. Because we can store them all now!

[NCommander]

Reading this, you need to invade hell and make a slade mug.

[Amperzand]

And fill it with the blood of a god incarnate.

[NCommander]

And fill it with the blood of a god incarnate.

But slade is created by _evil gods. Unless we filled it with angel blood somehow so the two balance out.

[Lolfail0009]

And fill it with the blood of a god incarnate.

But slade is created by _evil gods. Unless we filled it with angel blood somehow so the two balance out.

We have cherubim/seraphim flying about outside! This plan cannot fail!

[NCommander]

And fill it with the blood of a god incarnate.

But slade is created by _evil gods. Unless we filled it with angel blood somehow so the two balance out.

We have cherubim/seraphim flying about outside! This plan cannot fail!

I'm seriously wondering how many turns will go by before someone releases the HFS looking for slade mugs ...

[Mr Frog]

Begun playing through Autumn. Just designated a massive covered trap-corridor to be dug outside in the hopes that a cherubird will fly through it and get caught. Approximately what are the chances of this working?

[Splint]

One to mug. Attempt approved.