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[Kot]

RIP the non-terrible jokes thread, we barely knew ye.

[TheBiggerFish]

It'll pick up eventually.

[Twinwolf]

From the out of context quotes thread:

You can, if you're a lesbian.

I do'nt get it.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

dike or dyke
[dahyk]
Spell Syllables
Examples Word Origin
noun
1.
an embankment for controlling or holding back the waters of the sea or a river:
They built a temporary dike of sandbags to keep the river from flooding the town.
...
7.
Geology.
a long, narrow, cross-cutting mass of igneous rock intruded into a fissure in older rock.
a similar mass of rock composed of other kinds of material, as sandstone.

...

dyke or dike
[dahyk]
Spell Syllables
noun, Slang: Disparaging and Offensive.
1.
a contemptuous term used to refer to a lesbian.

[TheBiggerFish]

Ah, thanks.

[a1s]

quality thread

Quality posters.

Quality posts.

quality forum

Quality board

Quality quality.

Quality quote pyramid.

Some things in life are quality.
For everything else, there's MasterCard.

[Orange Wizard]

Okay, here's one from my grandfather:

"I woke up this morning, and there was a sparrow, sitting on the windowsill. Then a bloody great big hawk swooped down and pecked the little shit to buggery."

[TheDarkStar]

So a Russian, a Buddhist, and an American die in a plane crash and go to Heaven. At the gates, they meet an angel. They angel tells them that they can go in if they can withstand being hit by his flaming sword and that they are allowed to use one thing for defense.

The Russian goes first: "I want a bulletproof vest of the finest quality." The angel swings the sword at the Russian and it goes right through the vest and through the Russian. Then a hole opens under the Russian and he disappears.

The Buddhist goes next: "I don't need anything. I've been meditating my whole life in preparation for this." The angel swings the sword at the Buddhist, it bounces off, and the Buddhist walks through Heaven's gates.

Finally, it's the American's turn: "I'll use the Buddhist."

[TheBiggerFish]

Heh.
Good old American ingenuity.

[Radio Controlled]

I've hear the same joke before, but with the Russian and American sides switched. Good old Russian pragmatism.

[TheBiggerFish]

Good on both of them.

[Egan_BW]

Three stereotypes and Old Man Henderson are on a plane. The plane has no problems and is flying just fine.
Old Man Henderson throws the plane out the door, saying "we have plenty of these where I'm from."

Apparently this is funny. Okay.

[Kot]

Three stereotypes and Old Man Henderson are on a plane. The plane has no problems and is flying just fine.
Old Man Henderson throws the plane out the door, saying "we have plenty of these where I'm from."

Apparently this is funny. Okay.

Haha.

[Tack]

PTW but I'm not sure why as I'll probably defer to the terrible homes thread first.
It's easier to post and make the assumption my jokes are bad and then have the pleasant surprise of being shouted out for breaking thread rules.

[Knit tie]

Ukraine is of bacon and stupid greedy.

Spoiler: is of apples (click to show/hide)

-Hey Mykola! Can you eat a whole sack of apples?
-Dunno. But the ones I cannot eat I'll at least bite!

Spoiler: is of tomatoes (click to show/hide)

A king gathers a Pole, a Russian and an Ukrainian and says that he will give each of them as much land as they can travel in one go.
Pole gets on a horse, goes for two hours, looks back, says "This much will be enough for the rest of my life", and stops.
Russian gets on a horse, goes for five hours, looks back, says "This much will be enough for all my children and grandchildren", and stops.
Ukrainian gets on a horse, goes until the horse collapses from exhaustion, starts running, then, about to collapse too, takes off his hat, throws it forward, and says "And here, I'll plant the tomatoes!"

Spoiler: is of space (click to show/hide)

News of Gagarin's historic flight reaches Ukraine.
One shepherd shouts to another on the next hill: 'Hey, Mykola! The Moskali have flown into space!'
'What, all of them?'
'No, just the one.'
'Well then who cares?'

Spoiler: is of Marx and Lenin (click to show/hide)

USSR. And old Khokhol is on his deathbed:
-Sonny, call me the commissar, I want to join the party.
-Father, what's wrong with you? You've hated the Communists all your life!
-That's the point, son. I die and there'll be one Commie less!

Spoiler: is of politics (click to show/hide)

Verkhovha Rada in Kiev. One MP goes up to the microphone:
-Panove deputaty! Let me talk about the Jews.
-No, we won't promote ethnic strife here.
-Then let me talk about the Muscovites.
-No, that's also promoting ethnic strife.
-Then let me talk about our ecology.
-Very well, go ahead.
-Panove deputaty! Our ecology is in ruins! The rivers are running dry and the forests are being cut down. Now there are no places left to hang Muscovites and drown Jews!

Spoiler: is of salo (click to show/hide)

A Ukrainian and an African are sitting next to each other on a train. The African takes out some bananas. The Ukrainian asks him:
-What are those?
-Bananas.
-Lemme try some.
The African shares some bananas with the Ukrainian. Then asks:
-And what's this thing you have?
-Slab bacon. But you won't be eating that.
-Why?
-'Cause I won't give you any!

Spoiler: is of pun (click to show/hide)

A man from Lvov comes to an office of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union (KPSS in Russian) and says:
-I'm here to join the KP!
-What KP?
-The one that's in the KPSS.
-What, just the KP?
-Yes, I've already joined the SS.

Jewry is of clever greedy.

Spoiler: is of debt (click to show/hide)

Rabinovich is lying awake, unable to get to sleep. His wife Sarah asks him what's wrong.
'I borrowed 30 rubles from Moshe, but I don't know how to pay him back. I can't get to sleep for thinking about it.'
Sarah gets out of bed, opens the window, and shouts across the street: 'Hey, Moshe! You know those 30 rubles my husband borrowed from you? He's not giving them back!'
She returns to the bed: 'There. Now go to sleep and let Moshe stay awake'.

Spoiler: is of Zhirik (click to show/hide)

Rabinovich calls Zhirik's party's headquarters:
-Hello, is this the Lib-Dem party of Russia?
-Yes.
-Is it true that the Jews sold Russia out?
-Damn right!
-Then could you please tell me where may I collect my share of the money?

Spoiler: is of emigrant (click to show/hide)

Rabinovich is emigrating to Israel. Among his possessions is a statuette of Lenin.
'Why are you taking this statuette from the USSR?' asks the customs agent.
'I want to remind myself of the good times I had in the USSR, and the genius of Lenin's vision for the world. It will have pride of place in my living room in Tel Aviv.'
'Haha, move along - good luck in Israel'.
At the Israeli customs office:
'And what is this?'
'I want to remind myself of how much of a fucking shithole I've just come from - this statuette of Lenin will have pride of place in my toilet, so I can look him in the eyes every time I take a dump.'
'Haha - move along. Good luck in Israel'.
Eventually he gets to his relatives' house in Tel Aviv.
'Uncle Rabinovich, what is this?' asks his nephew, who is helping him unpack.
'Careful with that', says Rabinovich, 'that's solid gold!'

Polacy is of cannot into space

Spoiler: is of Mongols (click to show/hide)

A Polish man finds a dirty oil lamp and rubs the dust off.
As it turns to be a magic lamp and a wish granting genie comes out offering three wishes for the man.
After a few thinking the man finally decides.
"I wish Poland to be invaded by the Mongols"
Pillaging and plunder ensues*
"Now for your second wish"
"I wish for Poland to be invaded by the Mongols a second time"
Pillaging and plunder ensues*
"And now for your last wish"
"I wish for Poland to be invaded by the Mongols a third time"
Pillaging and plunder ensues*
"I must ask, why did you ask for Poland to be invaded three times?"
"Ah you see, for every time the Mongols invade Poland they have to go through Russia twice"

[Helgoland]

The Rabinovich ones I knew from TVTropes, some of the Ukrainian ones I knew from TVTropes but told about Russians - but that last one is genius!

Spoiler: is of Polish patriot (click to show/hide)

Who is the greatest Polish hero of all time?

Feliks Dzierżyński. No Pole ever killed more Russians than he did.