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[Jack A T]

Water under the bridge. LETS GET MARRIED.

"Merely water under the bridge."

"W-what?"

Ask her if she needs time to think about it, and remind her that we will respect whatever decision she makes. This is a major choice for her future, you know!

"Anyway, if you need time to think about it, take your time.  It's a major choice, and not one to take without thought.  I'll respect whatever decision you take."

"W-what?"

Drown the fire under a pile of paperwork! There's no way it could go wrong!

My sigtext insists I agree with this course of action. But be graceful about leaving the conversation. Look deep into her eyes. Say " Thoughts of you pierce me like a red hot sword. My heart is aflame for you. But my office is aflame with fire. And office hours are, as you know, between the hours of nine a.m. and five p.m. Monday through Friday, except for lunch between noon and one. It is now one thirty. I must go."

Then create a stallion out of paperwork, get on its back, have it rear and whinny, and ride across the street to your office.
If you're going to charge heroically off into the distance after talking to a lady, you should do it proper

Yes, then run.

You glance at the clock.  Lunch break's over.  "Just know this: thoughts of you pierce me like a red hot sword.  My heart is aflame for you... but my office is aflame with fire, and office hours are, as you know, between the hours of nine a.m. and five p.m. Monday through Friday, except for lunch between noon and one.  It is not one thirty.  I must go."

"W-what?"

With a few taps at your calculator, sinews of shredded tough documents, bones of solid paper, layers of paper skin, flesh, and muscle form into a horse-like paper construct with much shredded carbon paper as its mane.  It looks ready for action, and you mount it, charging off towards the fire and leaving the confused and blushing murderous barista in the distance.

You know of one good way to deal with fires: deprive them of oxygen.  Letting heaps of paperwork fall on the office fire should do the job.

A much bigger fire now blazes before you.  At least, though, some of the burning paperwork fell onto the nearby CoffeeCafe.  That is, the one where the barista works.

Spoiler: Mathemagic (click to show/hide)

Mathemagician
Mathemagic: Extend/Retract Staff, Repair Coffee Maker, Light, Elemental Bolt, Justify Policy, Do Paperwork, Create Paperwork, Search Archives, Force High Five, Set Timer, Timed Explosion, Build Paper Mech, Harden Paperwork, Create Jewelry, Create Paperwork Animal

[Generally me]

Noooo shoot elemental bolts of water at the fire till it stops the. Go back and ask the barista if she has decided yet. Give her hug and whisper " I believe in you"

Don't worry guys I have a cunning plan.

[Andres]

Go beyond the things we weren't meant to see. Go mad from the revelation, become God, or both.

[Ozarck]

Noooo shoot elemental bolts of water at the fire till it stops the. Go back and ask the barista if she has decided yet. Give her hug and whisper " I believe in you"

Don't worry guys I have a cunning plan.

Is that plan: piss off the murderous blushing barista and then put yourself in an incredibly vulnerable position while she has a sword and her job is going up in flames?

Go beyond the things we weren't meant to see. Go mad from the revelation, become God, or both.

We're already halfway there.

I ... I have no suggestion. I want to see how this plays out. If we don't end this round with another sword stuck in us, I'll be pretty surprised, actually.

[Generally me]

Noooo shoot elemental bolts of water at the fire till it stops the. Go back and ask the barista if she has decided yet. Give her hug and whisper " I believe in you"

Don't worry guys I have a cunning plan.

Is that plan: piss off the murderous blushing barista and then put yourself in an incredibly vulnerable position while she has a sword and her job is going up in flames?

It's so cunning that to others it looks like a really dumb plan that doesn't make any sense... But it's not.

[FArgHalfnr]

I think we managed to break her with our proposal. She probably won't be a problem for a while.

[Jack A T]

Go beyond the things we weren't meant to see. Go mad from the revelation, become God, or both.

What things?  You don't remember any bizarre things best not seen.  None whatsoever.  Nope.

Noooo shoot elemental bolts of water at the fire till it stops the. Go back and ask the barista if she has decided yet. Give her hug and whisper " I believe in you"

You shoot elemental bolts of water at the fire until it stops something.  You're not sure what you're stopping, but you stop it.  The fire's still going, though not as strongly.  At least most of the workers, including the Deputy Minister, got out of the building mostly unharmed, and at least the agents have mostly melted.

Once you finish stopping the, you turn around just in time to see the barista enter the pub beside the juice shop.  You follow her, desperate to know what she thinks of your offer.  You poured your heart and soul into that offer!  She needs, needs to answer!  And say yes!

You enter the bar.  She's sitting at the bar, already on her third rye and ginger.  Her wound's stopped bleeding.  Luckily for you, there's an open seat beside her, which you snatch up quickly.

"So, how's the thinking going?"

"...you just set my workplace on fire."

"And?"

"...you had company secrets and kept bragging to the company about them."

You hug her tightly (an act she responds to by tensing up), and whisper into her ear, "You'll make the right decision.  I believe in you."

With one hand, she grabs the collar of your shirt.  With the other, she moves for her sword.

Spoiler: Mathemagic (click to show/hide)

Handler of the Arcane Papers
Mathemagic: Extend/Retract Staff, Repair Coffee Maker, Light, Elemental Bolt, Justify Policy, Do Paperwork, Create Paperwork, Search Archives, Force High Five, Set Timer, Timed Explosion, Build Paper Mech, Harden Paperwork, Create Jewelry, Create Paperwork Animal

[Demonic Spoon]

Create massive piles of jewelry to buy barista's affections.

[Generally me]

Create massive piles of jewelry to buy barista's affections.

Inside her lungs.

[Aseaheru]

Create massive piles of jewelry to buy barista's affections.

Inside her lungs.

So, what you are saying is, give her lungs jewels?

 Lung piercings...

[Ozarck]

"Hey, how did you know I had access to my company's secrets? I only bragged about that to my Pillow and Blankets. I'll let it go this time, but you gotta help me put out this mysterious fire that someone started in my workplace. And your workplace, apparently." Grab her by the hand that's reaching for the sword, and run out toward our boss.

[Andres]

Calculate what the smallest thing is.

[FallacyofUrist]

Use Force High Five on her sword hand.

[Ozarck]

Use Force High Five on her sword hand.

you know she's already displayed an immunity to this tactic.

[Jack A T]

Use Force High Five on her sword hand.

The sword, which she draws, absorbs the spell as it often does.

"Hey, how did you know I had access to my company's secrets? I only bragged about that to my Pillow and Blankets. I'll let it go this time, but you gotta help me put out this mysterious fire that someone started in my workplace. And your workplace, apparently." Grab her by the hand that's reaching for the sword, and run out toward our boss.

You say all that.  Not particularly believable, considering you're not in the private sector (you're not even managing P3s), and it doesn't mollify her.  You do, at least, drag her out of the pub by force while she's drinking her fifth rye and ginger and before she can murder you.

Create massive piles of jewelry to buy barista's affections.

Inside her lungs.

So, what you are saying is, give her lungs jewels?
 Lung piercings...

On the way to the Deputy Minister, you give the barista a fine gift: jewelry.  Plenty of it.  Lung piercings and lungfuls of jewelry.  "Love you. Gift."  She winces, starts choking, and wrests her hand from your grasp, coughing up a few rings as she does so.  She's so cute, the way she reacts to your gifts.  Part of that reaction involves slashing the air in front of you.  A wave of glowing equations flies out at you and cleanly slices your legs off.

The last thing you see before you fall unconscious is a horde of CoffeeCafe agents swarming the now-fallen barista...

Calculate what the smallest thing is.

Your expected lifespan is the smallest thing.

Luckily, not all goes as expected.  You wake up on a simple grey bed in a small, plain, grey room, your staff beside you.  The room appears to be sealed perfectly, and the walls are featureless.

Your body doesn't quite feel right.  Your legs...you look down at your legs, and see shining metal where flesh and bone should be.  They move almost like proper legs should.  Almost.

Suddenly, one wall opens and a nondescript man in a black suit enters.  He looks at you, seemingly emotionless, and says "Adam.  You have been transferred to the Obscure North American Monarchy Security Intelligence Service (ONAMSIS).  The reason given for the transfer is as follows: 'Get this man out of my office before he gets the whole city destroyed!'  Your legs have been replaced as necessary.  Do you accept your new position?"

Spoiler: Mathemagic (click to show/hide)

Handler of the Arcane Papers
Mathemagic: Extend/Retract Staff, Repair Coffee Maker, Light, Elemental Bolt, Justify Policy, Do Paperwork, Create Paperwork, Search Archives, Force High Five, Set Timer, Timed Explosion, Build Paper Mech, Harden Paperwork, Create Jewelry, Create Paperwork Animal