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[WillowLuman]

Granted. You can't read, because you're a duck. And dead.

I wish for a better phone.

[Lyeos]

Granted. You get a phone from twenty years in the future, unfortunately, it's dead and you have no way to charge it.

I wish I had an orbital duct tape cannon.

[Noel.se]

Granted. After you fire a few shots, the cannon goes out of orbit.

I wish for a 3d printer.

[TD1]

Granted. It prints "3D" out on repeat.

I wish this thread got a spam bot. Mwahahaha!

[Worldmaster27]

Granted. You! You need a new kitchen! Buy one! Buy one now! You will buy a new kitchen! OR DIE!

I wish people didn't make spambots.

[nomoetoe]

Granted, people now the people who make spambots now make viruses, bay12 and most of the internet are lost. you monster.

I wish for an anti-singularity.

[WillowLuman]

Granted. It's what currently is expanding the Universe. How boring.

I wish to be made of lightning.

[Lyeos]

Granted. You strike a tree and then you're gone.

I wish CMC would turn that one thread into a game about vampires in America.

[Prophet]

Granted. The thread then dies. ((Sorry McClellan.))

I wish for the world to end.

[Lyeos]

((Hey! That's my job!))

Granted. Lyeos successfully destroys the world, because if everyone is dead then nobody can hurt him. You do not survive. Lyeos, however, discovers magic before the world ends, and enters another dimension that he destroys. And then another. And so on and so forth.

I wish for a can of Reddi-wip.

[TD1]

Granted. The Prophet hath spoken, and the world shall tremble at his words! The world ends, but only the human aspect. Everything else flourishes.
Granted. It was ready made to whip you. Enjoy.

I wish that humanity would like trees more, but not be elves

[WillowLuman]

Granted. Half-trees are born. They have unstable brain patterns. Half the parents die in the process, too.

I wish I had time and money to see movies with.

[Prophet]

Granted. You die before you can see any of the movies.

I wish that people would hear my prophetic message of destruction.

[nomoetoe]

Granted, an angry mob forms due to the fact your messages annoy them to the point of rage.

I wish insects would avoid me.

[Lyeos]

Gran...Ted? They hear it. You're a madman, though, so they ignore it. Turns out, your message was about the end of the world... Eighteen trillion years from now.

Granted. Insects avoid you like the plague - mainly because arachnids are so strongly attracted to you that you're covered in them every night.

I wish everyone else would start seeing nonexistent unicorns, while I got to see nonexistent shoggoths 'cause shoggoths are adorable, y'know.