Thanks for the charts, Kirbypowered, and don't worry about the time. I've been at this for weeks and I still haven't found time to enter mine into the computer.
One more day of work and then this job is finally over. And there will only be 8 kids tomorrow (out of 20). I should survive it ok.
Spent the last two evenings crafting little handmade hardcover memory notebooks for my coworkers out of scrap paper from work, as a goodbye present. They take ages to make but I couldn't get any sleep until I had finished them. Tonight I baked banana bread, so I'll bring that to share as well.
I think I'm doing okay generally. My view on this girl has shifted, which is necessary and probably a very good sign. I'm noticing how very IMperfect she is. I'm finally growing emotionally aware of what I sort of already knew logically: she's never been perfect, or even "everything I want" as I felt. She's just physically my idea of perfection, and we share a few traits that no one else has ever understood before. As a result, I became infatuated with her from the start, imagining a relationship with her that caused me intense pain every time it didn't coincide with reality (which was often). Princess Bubblegum does a damned fine job of explaining it in this here episode of Adventure Time, which everyone should watch anyway because, Adventure Time:
http://www.watchcartoononline.com/adventure-time-season-5-episode-21-the-suitorIn fact, I'm reconsidering my assessment that she might have AS. Of course I would look for traits of AS in someone because I think about it all the time. But various qualities of hers could just as easily be ascribed to her being a sociopath.
-She is often quiet and withdrawn and ignores other people. AS: difficulty processing, being overwhelmed, uncertainty about a social situation. Psychopathy: doesn't care about anyone and is pointedly ignoring us because she wants us to fuck off, possibly she's fantasizing about taking revenge on us for boring or annoying her.
-She has enthusiastic conversations about topics she enjoys but goes cold and ignores someone the moment they look unhappy and NEVER offers anyone a work of comfort or asks them if they're ok. AS: ranting about obsessions but being unsure how to react to someone not looking happy, perhaps had bad reactions to trying (inappropriately) to help/comfort people in the past. Psychopathy: uses people for conversation as long as she is getting something out of it but has no empathy for others and feels no desire to comfort or help anyone.
-She seems annoyed or angry whenever someone tries to share something they're upset about, avoiding eye contact and not responding. AS: either she doesn't understand the other person's situation, or why they're sharing it with her, or doesn't know what's expected of her. Or, her apparent negative reaction is actually an expression of distress (I am often told my facial expression doesn't match how I really feel). Psychopathy: she really doesn't care, has no empathy at all, finds having to listen to other people's problems annoying or irritating.
-She regularly gets suddenly upset at something I say, accusing me of "showing off" my intellect and trying to make her feel stupid. AS: she misinterprets my intentions. Psychopathy: she feels like she is better than anyone else and resents any indication of superiority of any kind in another person.
-Her appearance is always immaculate. She says she finds her clothes at secondhand stores and wears the same pants nearly every day, but always looks and smells absolutely perfect. Says she washes her clothes every day, and I regularly see her putting antibacterial gel on her hands. AS: obsession with order, using a precise system to keep herself looking a way she knows is attractive without having to really consider her appearance, possible OCD. Psychopathy: she has cultivated an image that works to her advantage - she's beautiful, smells great, but dresses in a "hippie" sort of way, so nearly everyone finds her attractive. Apparent germ phobia might even indicate a simple disgust with contact with other people.
-She has mentioned to me that she understands my dislike of public transport and knows the feeling of bursting into tears on the way home just from sensory overload. AS: sensory overload and meltdowns. Psychopathy: she made up the story to get something from me or play with my head.
-She flirts with me and never mentions having a girlfriend, and dodges personal questions, leading to my emotional upheaval as I don't understand the situation: AS: she doesn't know what's appropriate to share, doesn't realize she's flirting with me, doesn't realize I'm attracted to her. Psychopathy: she's playing a game, which is very easy to do with me since I don't spot insincerity.
-All week she has been fairly cold towards me, even when I made an effort to be friendly and hide my pain, but is still friendly with other coworkers. AS: my behavior has changed and confused her, she doesn't understand what has happened, she doesn't know how to interact with me now, or she's just distracted by her new girlfriend and no longer interested in interacting with me. Psychopathy: she's well aware of what happened and either the game isn't fun anymore or she has already "won" by breaking my heart, possibly as revenge for me irritating her with my intellect and/or problems in the past.
I could go on. The point is, unless she actually shares something of herself with me and lets me get to know her, I can never hope to understand her intentions or have any real idea of who she is. It doesn't seem likely that I'll see her again after work ends. She just doesn't seem interested in speaking to me at all anymore. I've decided that I probably will not say anything to her about my feelings after all. I've told her enough times that she's beautiful, but she's never said anything of the kind to me. When she was upset about not getting a vacation she wanted, she accepted my hugs and comfort, but when I was in a similar situation and said I wanted to go home and cry she shrugged and said that sounded like a good idea. I've invited her to many different parties and nights out over the years but she's never accepted, except to my birthday party, which she then didn't show up to. If I took her actions and personality and transferred them to another person, one I didn't find so incredibly physically attractive, I would probably not like her very much. I can't believe it's taken this long for that to sink in.
I'll tell her I'd like to keep in touch and make one or two attempts over the summer to contact her. After all, if she does turn out to be like me, maybe even with AS, and this is all a misunderstanding, there could still be something there. But I've put in enough effort at this point. Even if it does turn out that her intentions are good, this is a lot of shit to go through to even get to know someone just a little bit, and I don't want to start a relationship with someone that would be like that all the time.
As for the stages of grief, I'm doubtful about the theory. For sure I went through many phases, and experienced each of the "stages," but many were repeated several times, I went in circles, up and down, better then worse... No rhyme or reason to it, really. Maybe other people react differently.
I'm exhausted now. Been falling asleep all day. All week, actually. As my stress levels rise, I get sleepier (consistent with narcolepsy, still would really like to get some kind of diagnosis). When I get home and am able to go to bed, though, I can relax, my stress levels decrease, and then I lie awake unable to sleep (not really consistent with narcolepsy but I'm not sure what other explanation there might be).
Question: has anyone else ever had an experience, either firsthand or heard about from someone else, where stress causes extreme sleepiness or even "sleep attacks" in the middle of tasks, yet at night sleep was not easy to come by? Any explanations other than narcolepsy? I'm very curious about this.
I should go to bed, I guess. Tomorrow will be the last day of this life, then I can finally get some real rest and look forward to all the huge changes my life is bringing.