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[Vector]

I have a spider living in my curtain with all her eggs!  She's great :3  I say hello in the mornings.

[Sappho]

As far as I'm concerned, it's perfectly normal to have friendly conversations with insects. And animals, and inanimate objects, and yourself. But then again, I might not be the one to judge what normal is.

I like wall spiders. Tiny bodies, long legs, don't move too fast. They just stay up there in the corner eating mosquitoes for me. Also I like really tiny spiders. Just can't feel threatened by something so cute. But anything with fat and/or hairy legs or a big body, or that moves really fast, freaks me out. On the other hand, I can't bring myself to kill them. It's not their fault I'm afraid of them, and they're really basically harmless to me. So when I see one in my apartment I call the cat over and point to the spider, and he plays with it a while then eats it. (He does the same with moths, but won't touch flies. I guess they must not taste good.)

Once I got a locust in my flat (no idea where a locust came from but that's definitely what it was) and the cat tried to chase it for a while, then seemed to realize how big and strange it was and suddenly got scared of it. I had to cripple it and let the cat torture it for a while once it was helpless. I didn't feel too good about that one. The cat kept looking at me like "what the hell IS this fucking thing?"

[Pnx]

I talk to my dogs quite a bit, they can even sometimes understand what I'm saying, even if what they mostly understand is things like their name, or "want to go out?", or "cheese!"

[Sappho]

Well, I was in a good mood for a while, but I'm quickly running out of steam. It's abuot 36 degrees outside (97 F) and we had to be out in the sun for a couple hours, which started getting to me. Then the kids got grouchy and bitchy and started fighting and giving us a lot of shit. Then I overheard one of the other teachers, the lazy one who just doesn't show up to work 1/3 of the time, hardly works at all even when she's here, and is being promoted next year because my boss is batshit crazy, saying how nice it will be with me gone. (I have never said an unkind word to her and I always work my ass off.) So that really pissed me off. Then my beautiful coworker who messes up my emotions was in a pissed off mood, ignoring me and making me feel like I was the one she was mad at (no idea if that's true), which just made me even more irritated and upset. Then I reached into my pocket to update my chart and discovered my little blue pen I love so much had fallen from my pocket sometime when we were outside, probably at the park. I'd run back and get it but it's fucking hot outside and it would take my whole break, and there's no guarantee I'd even find it.

I'm going to be at work at least another 5 hours. Minimum. This is my only break and the day is going to get much more chaotic and shitty from here. My boss, as usual, is running around making things as complicated as they can possibly be, riling up the kids and then ignoring the chaos she leaves, then either chewing us out for not keeping the kids in line or else ignoring them completely and expecting us to do ten other things at the same time as though we didn't already have our hands full.

I'm ready to either punch someone or cry. I didn't double-check this morning whether my valium was still in my bag. I hope so. I really think I might need it. If I don't pass out from heat stroke first.

[Kirbypowered]

Summer has always been my least favourite season. Unbearable heat and humidity, unbearable flies, unbearable inability to sleep because of unbearable heat and humidity...not to say I hate it, but it stresses me out and makes me generally unhappy. And it isn't even here yet. >_< What you're going through right now sounds nightmarish indeed. I have a hard enough time dealing with myself on those sorts of days, let alone having to deal with so much else.

On the self tracking charts, how would you like me to send them to you? I've got two days done now, and I can scan those now or wait until I get the whole bunch done, I'm thinking probably seven. I'm feeling a bit over burdened with (imaginary) things right now, so I barely feel up to keeping this tracking going for long, sadly. I really must take some time to sort out my mind.

(I have a secret (shh!) plan to move to Antarctica in the future. You're free to join me if you like. )

[Sappho]

Summer has always been my least favourite season. Unbearable heat and humidity, unbearable flies, unbearable inability to sleep because of unbearable heat and humidity...not to say I hate it, but it stresses me out and makes me generally unhappy. And it isn't even here yet. >_< What you're going through right now sounds nightmarish indeed. I have a hard enough time dealing with myself on those sorts of days, let alone having to deal with so much else.

On the self tracking charts, how would you like me to send them to you? I've got two days done now, and I can scan those now or wait until I get the whole bunch done, I'm thinking probably seven. I'm feeling a bit over burdened with (imaginary) things right now, so I barely feel up to keeping this tracking going for long, sadly. I really must take some time to sort out my mind.

(I have a secret (shh!) plan to move to Antarctica in the future. You're free to join me if you like. )

As for the charts, you can wait until you have a bunch of them, or whatever's easiest for you. I still haven't found time to enter the ones I've done yet, although this coming weekend looks promising.

I don't hate summer generally. I much prefer "too hot" to "too cold," and I get pretty severe seasonal depression so I need as many hours of sunlight as possible. Especially where I live now, until the beginning of June there had only been a total of 80 hours of sunshine since 1 January. 80 hours in 5 months. That's obscene. I don't like snow or cold, so I'm afraid I won't be joining you in Antarctica. : ) Naturally the heat can be too much sometimes, but all I have to do is wet my hair (assuming I'm not chasing down 20 screaming kids) and I'm ok.

I'm feeling much better now. The party went surprisingly well. I sort of made a decision as the others were starting to set up that I've basically been fired from this job, and my coworker made it clear that she doesn't care I'm going. I've always busted my ass trying to be as helpful as possible and I'm just tired of it. So I put my pirate costume on (I looked sexy as hell and got a lot of compliments, even though the other girl's costume was nicer) and had loads of fun swaggering around being pirate-y. It turns out that you can make just about any unpleasant activity fun if you dress as a pirate during it and try to take over the playground with your bubble-wand-sword. When I saw something that needed doing like refilling the water pitchers or moving stuff, I helped out, but I didn't go out of my way to try to find stuff to help with. the slacker obviously already has me written off as useless (OH the irony) so I might as well live up to that expectation.

I spent a total of 10.5 hours at work today (with a half hour of that being my break). Crazy. I managed to track myself more or less, but some of it is pieced together from memory because I didn't think of it during the party. I did manage to make it through the day in a largely positive mood, and without any medication and hardly any other chemicals. I did have a cup of coffee in the morning, but no other caffeine and no sedatives, not even medunka tea. I'm a little disappointed I had to miss training, but I did do my strength training exercises in the morning and a bit of small training exercises whenever I had a few minutes during the day (I love the looks the kids give me when I start banging my forearms together to strengthen the bones).

I feel the urge to say once more how awesome it is to dress up as a pirate. It gives me confidence I didn't know I was capable of, sort of like nice clothes do for other people I guess. Or like being on stage. I have the opposite of stage fright. Stage confidence? Whatever it's called. I can be shy and nervous and awkward, but stand me just slightly higher than the people around me and give me a musical instrument or a costume and I blow people away.

[Sappho]

The job interview I went on today... That school looked awful. A total dump. Everything looked dirty and it was in the same building as a dentist and a veterinarian. It costs parents 50% more to send their school to this one than my current one (and my current one is fucking expensive). They told me the maximum they would pay me and it's less than the cost of sending one child to the school for a month. I'd be taking a solid 25% pay cut by working there. Which means the owners are lining their pockets with fucking platinum, since the cost of the facility can't possibly be very much. To top it off, the woman who interviewed me looked miserable. She didn't smile once. She said she was impressed with everything I said and appeared ready to hire me on the spot, but then remembered I have to do a demo lesson first. I don't want to work at this place, but if the elementary school doesn't work out I need a backup. So I agreed to do a demo a couple of weeks from now. I pray it doesn't come to that though.

It's getting late and I don't feel sleepy yet. Probably had too much sugar today, sweet frozen stuff to try to stay cool. Today was the hottest day so far. It reached 38 degrees (that's over 100 F) and even now, at 10 pm, it's still 31 (88 F) outside. I have the windows open but it does nothing to cool the place down. But I checked the weather report and it should fall to 28 tomorrow and continue decreasing over the weekend, and next week should be... cold and fucking rainy again. The forecast for most of the week is 18 (64 F). No sun.

Was there ever a time when mild, sunny days actually existed? Or have we invented the idea of them so we don't all commit mass suicide?

Anyway since I can't sleep, now might be a good time to take stock of my current experiments.

Low Sodium Diet: Going horribly. With the shortage of time in my life right now I just can't cook for myself often enough. Rushing from work to interviews and Taiji trainings, I keep finding myself in a position where I either starve or grab a slice of pizza or pre-made sandwich full of salt. Even when I finally get home I'm too exhausted to cook. There's only one more week of work, though, and I hope that once the school year ends I'll be able to do better with this.

Vitamin B12: I'm still taking 1500 mcg every day. I don't think there's more than a week's supply left in the bottle, but I don't feel any different. Glancing at my charts I see regular issues with concentration and memory, and the sleepiness and brain fog are near-constant. Some interesting things have come from these charts, though. For one thing, I am a hell of a lot calmer than I thought I was. I only mark the "calm" box if I am generally relaxed and laid back for the entire hour, and it's checked almost every hour I'm awake every day. So I guess that's a good thing. I am also noticing a pattern in my sleepiness. It seems to spike sometime between early and late afternoon, then I seem to wake up a bit more in the evening (after about 7 pm). Also, I seem to be sleepy even during activities I enjoy, so it's not a problem of motivation.

Cleaning Habits: I know I marked this one as successful but this week I've fallen off the wagon. The apartment is a mess again. In my defense, I think it's mostly the heat doing this, on top of the reduced spare time thanks to interviews and school parties. I honestly feel like I would be cleaning right now if it wasn't just so fucking hot. Hopefully this will improve starting tomorrow.

Non-Disclosure Game: Today wasn't as good as yesterday. I just can't seem to keep a conversation going with this girl without sharing some story or something about myself. I tried many times to start things by asking her about stuff, but she just won't take the bait. I get short, often one-word answers, and then it dies. Small talk can only go so far when you're with someone 6-8 hours per day. I'll keep trying. Suggestions welcome.

Strength Training: I forgot to do the exercises this morning but I did them when I got home from the interview. My arms were still quite tired from yesterday and I had a hard time completing the routine, but with a lot of shaking out my arms between sets I managed it, and it felt good when I finished. That kind of exercise really makes you feel stronger just by doing it, even though your muscles haven't grown yet. I'm optimistic that this will really help.

Now I think tonight I'll have to sedate myself for bed. It's unfortunate but I just can't imagine getting to sleep otherwise. I have to decide now how I'll do that. The obvious choices are sedative tea, alcohol, and cannabis. The tea would take a long time to brew and doesn't always work, so probably not that one this late. Alcohol works pretty well but I only have sweet stuff (rum, whiskey, absinthe, slivovice) so I'm likely to feel somewhat hung over in the morning even if I only have a little. Cannabis might help or it might keep me up even later watching the amazing psychedelic things I see when I close my eyes. Which is fun, but doesn't help the situation. We'll see how it goes. I'm going to turn off the computer now because it's generating heat and probably not helping me sleep. Someone remind me tomorrow that I want to write down some of my recent thoughts on confidence. I keep forgetting. Good night guys.

[Kirbypowered]

Ergh, I'm going to find out what in milk I can't handle. Out of cow's milk, goat's milk, soy milk, rice milk, and almond milk, the only kind that doesn't make me mildly to greatly sick afterwards is almond milk. Certainly isn't lactose. Well, maybe a combination of that and something else, but I don't know. Still, I'm happy I've found some type of milk that doesn't make me sick. And it's actually really good.

Coincidentally, I've been wondering if a lack of vitamin B12 was affecting me after reading what you had learned about it about the same time I started drinking it, and the brand I can get has B12 in it, and I can definitely say I've been reporting less brain fog than I expected on the charts. I've notably run out of almond milk for a little while now and the brain fog seems to be cropping up more often.

Anyhow, I think I'll scan the four charts I have today, hopefully before I go to visit my friend. I printed off four more, so I guess I'll be doing eight instead of seven. Maybe you'll get to see some numbers in the euphoria section finally once I get my new laptop. =)

Mild, sunny weather...I'd say we have been getting that here, but apparently right now it's cold enough that my fingers are a little numb...maybe it is just an imaginary idea.

On cleaning habits: I'm going to say that the heat can most certainly stop you from wanting to even think about cleaning. At least for me. The heat (or maybe humidity) just sucks the energy out of me.

Non-Disclosure Game: Uhhh....yeah, no. I'm really terrible at non-personal small talk. I always find myself relating some topic to something that's happened to me. I always thought that was some self centered and egotistical thing about myself, but according to some kind others, it's likely just a part of how we connect with others. Or something like that.

Okay, if I don't get away from this post soon, I never will. Hope you got to sleep okay. I know I have a nightmarish time sleeping when it's hot out, so maybe that could be effecting you too? I suppose it's pretty hard to miss when the heat's keeping me up though, so probably not.

[Kirbypowered]

Gah, sorry for double post, in a rush.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

The * in brackets was just my way of saying that from here on in, * signifies wake up time. I then proceeded to get home from my friends, and only later did I get the charts printed off. I have "practicing guitar" there at 12, which I did some in the others, but I don't think I noted it. Also, I made up for the later hours I stayed up by writing them in at the beginning of the chart. Hopefully this isn't too confusing.

Okay, so the stuff at 8 is not a mistake. I just thought I'd record how I recalled feeling during whatever dream felt freshest in my mind. That is why it's quite in contrast with my normal analysis. =P Practicing guitar at 11.

Hrm, not much to note here. I had a sperometry (don't know about spelling) at 15, to check if I have asthma (Probably not). Ah, I had a guitar lesson at 18.

Err, I didn't write any notes for this one...Might've been practicing guitar around 13-14, but I'm not sure. I think I'll try to be more clear with future tracking as to what I'm doing. Feels kind of confusing otherwise.

Edit: edited informations in, but I can't seem to see any of the pictures. Tried loading the individual pages but they kept timing out. Might be some silly thing with dial up, but if it isn't I can re-upload the images tomorrow.

[Sappho]

Hooray, my first non-me test subject! I'll try to take a closer look at your charts over the weekend. I definitely want to enter mine in the computer this weekend and generate some graphs.

Actually I was planning to have a quiet weekend and catch up on cleaning, etc., but big news: I GOT THE JOB! So now I feel obligated to celebrate. There's a free open air international music festival all weekend and I'm heading over there with my friends pretty soon to drink and dance. Which means a hangover tomorrow for sure, so I might not be as productive as I'd like to be. At least the weather is much more comfortable today. Still on the "hot" side, but well within reason, and it'll start cooling down more once the sun goes down.

I've been sleepy all day today. I fell asleep three times and haven't really felt awake all day. I suspect hormones have something to do with this. It's the right time for that. So I'm going to pump myself full of caffeine and hope it keeps me going for a while. If not, I may have to resort to stronger stimulants which need not be named on the internet.

By the way, last night I didn't end up needing a sedative, which is good. I didn't sleep all that well, though, because of the thunderstorms. Hurricane-strength winds, thunder and lightning, everything banging around outside. Not much to be done about that. The sun is shining now though.

I've been keeping track of myself today but I'm not likely to take the sheets to the festival so there'll be a blank during that. My plan is to go for a few hours, drink and have fun, then get home before public transportation from there stops. If I have a really good time, however, I might stay overnight and go home in the morning (my friends will be there all weekend).

As a slight complication, that girl from work will be there tonight. We'll see how things are when we're 1. not at work and 2. drunk. Send happy thoughts, friends.

[Sappho]

Things seemed to be going well. I met up with her. She introduced me to her group of friends then the two of us went off alone for a bit to explore the festival. We found the dubstep stage she wanted and danced a bit (well, she danced and I bobbed awkwardly) then went back to her friends. She sat down next to one girl, who said hello to me and that she wanted to meet me because the two of us work together. Then the "friend" gave her a big smooch on the lips. Could have been a friend smooch, but the timing was pretty glaring. Then I said "Ah, so is this your secret girlfriend then?" She just laughed and refused to answer. Then the other girl smooched her a few more times to mark her territory. Then another friend found me and rescued me (and told me she could see very clearly that my coworker is into me and certainly her girlfriend picked up on it too and that's why she started smooching her, to claim her and warn me away). Then I drank an irresponsible amount of beer, and made increasingly irresponsible decisions for the rest of the night, which did not end particularly well.

I think I'm in shock. I can't even process what has happened. I keep alternating between crying and just sort of shutting down.

I might take a few days off here while I nurse my shattered heart. So much for my productive weekend.

[Sappho]

Well, I'm still in one piece. I planned to spend yesterday sitting home feeling sorry for myself and crying a lot, probably drinking, but my friends showed up and dragged me back out to the festival, where I ended up having a wonderful time. I saw the girl there from a distance, but she didn't see me and I avoided contact.

Maybe it's the energy from the festival, but my way of dealing with this seems to be changing. (It was suggested to me yesterday that I might be moving through those "stages of loss" and be in the "denial" phase at the moment, so we'll see how that develops.) I still hurt, but it's different. I'm a girl and my initial response to having my heart broken is to want someone to hold me while I cry my eyes out, releasing all that pain. That's how I felt at first. Now I don't feel so "girly" I guess. I just keep imagining what I would say to her. I feel really confident. All this time I've been so shy, playing it safe, not making any overt moves or telling her how I feel because of the risk, especially since we work together. Now I feel like I could just grab her hand and pull her over to me and look her in the eyes and tell her exactly how I feel. I think I'm feeling the kind of confidence that people tend to respond to on that animal level. Women tend to be attracted to jerks because they are confident and strong, and on a deep instinctual level we're programmed to find that attractive. I would never be a jerk, never be aggressive, always be delicate and sensitive, but that doesn't mean I can't be strong and confident too.

That's the thing. I know I'm good enough for her, but I've never known how to show it. Now I feel like I do. Part of it is the Taiji. For the first time in my life I understand how my body moves and works and I know how to move it properly. I wonder if this is how normal people feel.

Anyway I'm still hurting. I'm not stupid. Maybe I could steal her away. Likely not. Likely if I demand an answer from her she'll say it'll never happen. And then probably the crying and such again. But I'm trying to hold on to the feeling of strength as much as I can. I hope it doesn't suddenly leave me. I'm watching Game of Thrones and doing pushups.

So it's all a bit complicated for charts and tables, but still, self-analysis remains valuable.

(Next Morning)

Nope, it appears to have been just a stage. I've been going through some sort of cycle of suddenly seeing her in my mind kissing that girl and it hitting me fresh, that stabbing in my gut, and the crying and feeling sorry for myself, then trying to distract myself, then feeling angry and wronged (and strong and deserving of better treatment), then depression again, but at no point have I felt even the slightest bit of "this is ok and I'm alright." So if those stages of grief are real, I must be going through them in a loop, never getting to that "acceptance" point. I suppose hormones are involved as well. Right now I'm depressed and my heart is pounding because I'm going to have to spend most of the day with her today. My plan is to look at and speak to her as little as possible. If she asks me any question I will give a one-word answer like she always does, or if she asks me something personal, I'll just do what she does and laugh and look away.

I'm increasingly convinced that she has AS like me (or something along those lines, though she's given the occasional hint she might have AS) and probably didn't even realize how I felt, didn't know how to handle the situation. Maybe didn't know that I liked her, although I'm pretty sure she likes me. Maybe doesn't realize she's been flirting with me, or doesn't realize I liked it. The way she "runs away" every time I try to get to know her, looks nervous a lot and looks at the floor when I try to get personal, it doesn't seem like someone who's just playing with me. She reminds me of me how I was a year or two ago, before I developed the confidence I have now. She seemed really nervous and uncertain about me meeting her girlfriend, not sure how to handle it, introduced her as a friend then blushed and looked away when I asked if it's her girlfriend. She seemed oblivious to the fact that her girlfriend was testing me and considered me a threat. Completely oblivious to the fact that it was obvious she likes me, and I like her, and she was introducing me to her very jealous Czech girlfriend. I suppose I really want it to be true that she has AS and it's not her fault and maybe there can be a happy ending after all. But if she does, why didn't she tell me? I told her over a year ago.

Main goal: don't cry or have any kind of breakdown at work. I'm not worried about whether she realizes I'm hurt. In fact, I hope she does, and I hope she realizes it's her fault. But I won't talk to her about it until the end of the week, so if it goes badly we can just part ways and be done with it.

[Sappho]

Work was incredibly painful start to finish. I accomplished my main goal of not crying at work, just barely. In the morning when she arrived she smiled and greeted me with a nickname only she and my mother can get away with using, which cut me deep because this is one of those things I always took to indicate interest in me. I avoided eye contact and barely spoke to her all day. Rather than realizing she had hurt me, she seemed to just take it personally, like I was being a jerk to her for no reason, and by the end of the day she seemed pissed off at me and when I made an attempt to say goodbye she didn't look at me and just mumbled "bye." I'm trying to be angry at her because it hurts less, but mostly I just hurt. Jesus, I knew for years that this was likely to happen eventually, but I just never imagined how much it would hurt.

What is wrong with me that I feel like I should be apologizing to her? Even when she's broken my heart I can't live with myself if I hurt or offend her in even the smallest way.

I think tomorrow I will ask her if she can find time for just a quick drink after I finish work on Friday, so we can talk for a few minutes before she disappears and I maybe never see her again. I know she will probably say no but I have to try. I have to say what I need to say, and if she rejects me, at least I won't have to face her the next day.

My plan for the evening is to skip taiji, probably get drunk on too much whiskey again, and try to force myself to eat, since I haven't been doing enough of that. But hey, at least if I'm not eating enough, I'm not eating sodium, right? HA!

[Siquo]

Just read this: http://www.livestrong.com/article/519867-caffeine-autism/
I'm going to try and quit caffeine, which I've been using in large amounts for many, many years. May be of interest to you.

Also, I read most of your rants, and... sympathize, but have no real constructive thing to say.

[Sappho]

Interesting article. Doesn't seem to have any very strong conclusions though. Just sort of "caffeine might make certain parts of autism worse, but ADHD better, maybe." I don't use a whole lot of caffeine myself but I can't imagine cutting it out because I love really good tea. I don't mean English tea or anything like that, I mean proper Chinese tea imported by my friends directly from China/Taiwan, super amazing stuff and very strong. In any case, I don't get a lot of hyperactivity. My main problem is lethargy and brain fog. Not that the caffeine ever seems to help with that. So I'll probably pass on that experiment for now, but I'm very interested in what results you get from your own attempt.

Anyway, thanks for your support even though you don't have advice. To be honest I don't usually post this stuff looking for advice, even the rants. It's more that writing it down in this way is helpful for me to organize my thoughts, and sometimes you get something interesting in response from someone which provides good food for thought. I have been meaning to write about my thoughts on advice and confidence, actually, but I'm not quite up to it right now. Soon!

Strangely, I'm suddenly feeling pretty ok. My suspicion is that the majority of the extreme emotional pain I've been feeling (and the dramatic mood swings) are actually the result of hormones more than anything else. It's about time for a change in the hormones, I hope, so maybe things will be a bit different now.

In any case, I've been thinking about the situation intellectually since I've been home and I realized something strangely comforting: a huge number of things in my life are about to change. I'm leaving this job, moving to a new one, and spending my time with an entirely new group of people. I'm going to spend a month doing Taiji in the park all day every day. And I've made massive changes to myself lately which are starting to feel permanent (or as permanent as anything can be when you're human). No matter what happens with this girl, everything is in flux right now and I will probably adapt a lot faster than I expect. My relationship with her is about to change no matter what, because we will no longer be working together. Sadly it seems our relationship might cease to exist entirely. Or it could go completely in the opposite direction. I won't know until I talk to her, assuming she lets me. If I lose her altogether, it will hurt, but I bet it won't hurt for more than about a week before I'll be so distracted with everything else that I start moving on.

I'm still nervous and I still really hope something positive happens. I'm afraid to hope though.

EDIT: Here's one of the bands who was playing at the festival this weekend (Citizens!). They were so ridiculous, but the music was so fun, I really enjoyed them. Here's a song called "Girlfriend" which feels very appropriate for the current situation: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSEFUJIWR5k