Yes, you're right, depression is often a neurological issue rather than purely a psychological one. When I say "physical" I mean to distinguish it from "neurological," as in I'm thinking it might be caused by something outside the brain which can be treated without directly messing with brain chemistry. The thing is, I've tried several types of antidepressants in the past and they have only made me worse. Yes, it's possible that this is clinical depression, but if that's the case then I'm in a lot of trouble, because none of the treatments so far have helped at all.
If I go to a shrink, they will diagnose me with depression, tell me to do the things I'm already doing, probably try to give me more antidepressants. If I go to a physician, they will look at other possibilities first. They will test my thyroid (which can also cause all of those things and which has been hyperactive in the past) and other physical (non-neurological) issues that could be causing all this, including the depression. (I was hoping it might be simple B12 deficiency, but after a month of taking moderate doses of supplements there was zero improvement.) I've had low blood pressure since I was a young child, so it's unlikely that was caused by depression. Much more likely the depression is caused by something else. I think a lot of people suffering from depression go straight to a shrink for help and miss the fact that there are other things that can cause depression which are far easier to treat than pure clinical depression.
Also, autistic people tend to have a deficiency in certain dopamine receptors, so even though our brains are producing enough dopamine, we're still not getting enough of it where it needs to be, which means we tend much more strongly toward depression and anxiety. We also seem to have higher levels of cortisol (stress hormone). There are a lot of other neurological issues linked to autism that are still being studied and are not yet well understood. If you're interested in neurology, there's plenty of material there for you to look at. This blog isn't a bad place to start, and has helped me understand several things about how my brain functions that I didn't understand before:
http://snakedance.tumblr.com/One thing I forgot to mention last night was the pain. That's a good sign, actually. I don't think about the pain except when I'm feeling it, and I (thankfully) don't feel it all the time, although I used to. It has gotten better with all the exercise I get, which is good. I get nerve pain up and down my spine and neck, radiating out from a point about 2/3 of the way up my spine and slightly to the right. It hurts the most if I have to stand up for long periods of time, more painful if my posture is good than if I slouch. I also get strange shooting pains from my left shoulder down to my elbow when in certain positions. My knees, ankles, and wrists tend to ache as well, in the muscles and connective tissues around the joints. Finally, in certain positions I get tingling in my extremities and sometimes my hands and arms or legs even fall asleep. This pain has been present for so long I don't even remember when it started - probably when I was a young teenager. (Doctors, of course, ignored my complaints until I was 18.) I'm also incredibly sensitive to pressure - kneeling on the floor for just a minute hurts my knees for a long time afterward, sitting cross-legged even on a carpet hurts the part of my ankle that's touching the floor, trying to sleep on a mattress that isn't really soft hurts whatever hip and shoulder are touching the mattress. About ten years or so ago I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia - I had all the symptoms, and when the doctor pushed on all the relevant spots, all but one of them hurt. At the time there were no treatment options other than an antidepressant I had already tried without success, so the doctor pretty much just shoved me out of the office and wished me good luck.
I'm still not convinced that I actually have fibromyalgia. The pain is not as consistent as it used to be, and the other symptoms (sensitivity to pressure, depression, anxiety, sleep problems, fatigue, bowel issues (which I have but not severely), constant brain fog, numbness and tingling) can all be explained by other conditions.
sensitivity to pressure - autistic hypersensitivity to touch
sleep problems/fatigue/brain fog - narcolepsy, anxiety issues
depression/anxiety - autism, traumatic childhood
bowel issues - can be caused by anxiety/stress
numbness and tingling/nerve pain - pinched nerve
Also, one of my taiji teachers is also a skilled masseuse who uses many different methods for rehabilitation, and when I got a massage from her, she stopped at the spot in my spine where the pain originates and asked me what was going on there. I told her about the pain and numbness and she said she wasn't surprised - there was something "off" about that vertebra and it looked like something might be pinched there. She worked on it a bit but said she couldn't fix it on her own (and anyway I had asked her to focus on working some of the stress knots out of my neck and shoulders). It was quite a relief to be told that there is a clear physical origin of the pain, it's not just psychological or induced by depression, even though I don't yet know how to fix it.
The good news is, I've just learned there is now a blood test for fibromyalgia! No more "diagnosis of exclusion" - I can go to the doctor and find out once and for all if this is my problem. It is still a possibility, even if it's not the most likely possibility anymore. And once I have a clear answer about that, I can stop wondering.
Right now I'm missing the start of taiji training for the morning. It's a gorgeous day outside but I couldn't get out of bed this morning until the cat spent some time lying on my chest swatting at my face because he wanted breakfast. (For everyone who gets depression, I strongly encourage you to get a cat or even a dog.) It wasn't a motivation problem today - I just couldn't shake myself out of my dreams. Even turning off my alarm clock was something I only half-remember doing. Now I'm sluggishly trying to catch up, slowly waking up all the way. I'm already late and the training goes for 3.5 hours, and I don't like the first part of it anyway, so I'm not rushing. I will go for at least the second half - that's got all the stuff I'm really interested in anyway, the single-posture practice in the short form and learning a new part of the refined simplified (Master Huang) form, which is my favorite part. Maybe I will also catch the applications practice, where we take a small posture from the form and practice using it in real self-defense. It's so much fun to knock someone to the ground using almost no effort! Everyone who never has should try out some kung fu at some point in their lives. SO empowering.
Jesus, this thing has turned into a blog. That was never my intention here. This is a place for data and experiments! I need to find a way to deal with this using charts and graphs. Maybe I'll make up some new tables. I can keep the old ones and add a spot for pain and numbness. (For all who are just starting to read this, go back a few pages to see some of the data I collected during the last month of work before the school year ended.) I also need to fix up the first post of the thread again, since it's quite out of date.
As for the strength training, I have missed a few days but mostly I'm keeping up with my pushups. I stopped doing the dips because I think they were what was causing the pain and numbness in my left shoulder and arm (not sure what I was doing wrong - have to remember to ask my teacher to help me with that). I graduated from 3 sets of 10 "girly" push-ups (on the knees) to 3 sets of 5 proper push-ups (on the toes). I have most definitely gotten stronger. I could hardly do 1 or 2 push-ups on the toes before, and now I can do 5 without too much difficulty. I think it's worth doing the proper ones even if I do fewer of them, because I can clearly feel that I'm using far more of my body to do them. After the first day of proper push-ups, I had incredibly sore abs for 2 days! I never realized you used your abs in that exercise, but I'm happy to make them stronger.