Chapter 2: Thou Cannot Kill thee Metal-Tenacious B "ah yes, officer, I believe I did just so happen to catch his name. It was Willhelm Timothy Frankfurt the Durr. He asked to go by WTFDURR for short. I suspect he is a foreigner."
The officer clicks her tongue knowingly as she writes it all down.
"Those crazy foreigners, with their crazy foreign names and disrespect for the law and their heresy and their stealin' our jerbs and their..."
She went on like that for a while. I now question the effectiveness of the common Johto police force.
With that odd event out of the way, I pass on Mr Pokemon's news to Elm. By that, I mean I roughly shove the mystery egg into Elm's face and ask what the wacko Mr Pokemon's deal is with eggs. apparently the guy was "always fascinated by pokemon eggs."
(Note to self: Mr Pokemon may be a perverted heretical pokemon sympathizer as well as being a wackjob.)
Elm goes on to tell me he'll hold on to the egg and study it. I proceed to inform Elm of the God-Oak's command to update his great Poke-Codex.
That's the high Emprah God-Oak to you, sir.Elm speaks the obvious by saying "that's incredible" and "Oak was always good at seeing the potential of others" and that Elm "always knew I was different" and--
Hold the pokegear, I think I may have just been insulted.
"...why don't you take the Pokemon gym challenge? your pokemon seems up to the task, and you'd be working on Oak's quest as well," continues Professor Elm.
You're darn-tootin' Heavy Metal Jesus is up to it. I'll let that potential insult slide, Elm gets some good ideas.
It seems I have new goals in life:
Quest 1
1) Become the Pokemon Master
2) Conquer the world
3) ? ? ?
4) Profit
Quest 2
1) Aide the God-Oak in filling the poke-Codex
Subquest A
1) Find that red-haired kid
2) Tear his soul out of his rectum and feed him his own entrails for his heresy
3) ? ? ?
4) Become a millionare, buy a sports car, and get a harem of hot babes while rockin' out as a rock star
Right! Let's do this!...right after I take a cold-shower for the next two hours...
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It's the dawn of a new day!
I step out into the bright morning light, stocked with rations and medications and with my faithful ally HMJ at my side. I head down the road into the woods of the unknown and before long I find....
That one peasant chick, Lyra, and her blue ball thing. They offer to show me how to catch wild pokemon, then run off into the bushes.
Gee, I never would have known catching pokemon involved so much jumping. and knowing is half the battle, right?
-OH HEAVY METAL JESUS LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT RAT! JUMP ON IT JUMP ON IT!
Oh, she decided to catch it. I guess she's feeling especially
hereticalmerciful. Be sure to euthanize the poor thing, Lyra, being a giant ugly purple rat must suck.
The process of catching the pokemons seems simple enough. After receiving some pokeballs from her I assure the peasant I can handle myself and me and HMJ continue on our merry way towards a brighter future and--
Aw snap this is the first pokemon I'll encounter here? I need to catch it! Jesus! Don't kill it too hard! Mirror shot, go!
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-Jesus! Overkill! Overkill! I told you to kill it
gently!...Shoot. Guess I'll have to go on to the next route. To Route 30!
Ooooh! It's so fluffy! Gotta catch it so I can give my enemies diabeetus!
I try to lob a pokeball at it right off the bat, fearful that Jesus may tear the thing to shreds like he did the last one. The attempt failed.
The bunny clamps its ears to Jesus' metallic body, trapping him in place!
Jesus retaliates with a mirror shot, though the attack isn't very effective.
The bunny veils itself in a ring of water! The odd bunny looks slightly healthier than before. It's healing itself!
Jesus! Nuke it again with a mirror shot! The bunny looks like it's in critical condition, though it remains clamped firmly to Jesus. It strikes back with a beam of bubbly foam spewing from its mouth!
hoping that Jesus can withstand the assault, I hurl another pokeball at the offending wild-mon. The ball manages to contain the bunny-thing, and it clicks firmly closed. I've caught my first pokemon!
I return to the Pokemon center and civilization to take a better look at our newest party-member. It's a sassy and kinda quirky little girl, quite tenacious even when terribly outmatched. I named it Angel.
It seems skilled at waterbased moves, despite the fact it's a rabbit. Pokemon are weird.
I return to Route 30 with Angel in tow, with the intent to train it further against the trials of wild combat.
It's...a turtle...with a tree growing out of it's head. That seems unhealthy.
I let Angel get a good glimpse of the beast, ensuring it experiences the first thrills of danger, before calling her back and sending Jesus to facechomp the twig-turtle. Angel doesn't seem to gain much experience from the fight though.
Sweet Heavy Metal Jesus' non-existent handlebar moustache. What eldritch horror is this?!
I keep the same routine as before, letting Angel witness this mad-beast for a moment before calling her back, lest she lose her sanity, and sending out HMJ to facechomp. It seemed to be a wise move, for at that moment the blob unleashed a beam of pure energy aimed directly at where Angel had stood. That could've been deadly, but the attack missed.
before Jesus can run in and do his thang, the blob moves again! A look of concentration appears on it's blobby face, as it tightens its focus. quickly, Jesus, kill it fast!
It is killed fast. A single bite of Jesus' jaws of death end the blob's reign of madness.
Angel's brush with insanity-inducing star-spawn seems to have effected her psyche. She seems to have matured a level.
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I continue this routine of training for a while. Many blob-spawn perished in the name of toughening a fluffy rabbit.
During the training Jesus picked up a new move. I'm not sure how useful this one would be, in the long run.
Not long after Angel seems more than confident to fight for her friends and manages to take out a twig-turtle all on her own. She grows stronger and her wimpy bubble beam develops into a full blown burst of water with the force of a mortar blast!
I like this little rabbit.
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Training took an unexpected turn as we fought a blob.
Luckily, Jesus was there to absorb the hit. I'd hate to think what would've been left of Angel after such a massive show of power.
He facechomped the offender for its transgressions.
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I think I'll train Angel a bit more, then move on to the next town. She seems to be growing quickly and looks more than capable of handling herself.
I wanted to catch a drowzee and name it Boatmurder, but I really didn't expect Steel to be super-effective against one. Oh well. The fact the drowzees know Attack Order, normally for vespiqueen specifically, makes me wonder what type they are, but I guess now I'll never know for sure.
Angel the Buneary seems a good catch though. Learning Hydro Cannon at before even level 10? Instant-awesome. She looks like she could be a useful tank in later game, with aqua ring, good defense and special defense, and a potential second typing once she evolves.
"Heavy Metal" Jesus the vain Hasty Charmander: 12 wild pokemon (1 overkill), 1 trainer pokemon, 13 kills total
Angel the tenacious Quirky Buneary: 3 wild pokemon, 0 trainer pokemon, 3 total