Chapter 1 continued...part 3
I carefully survey each of the three pokemon.
One is this sort of ball with arms and legs. For some reason it's carrying an egg around, and it's insubstantial to the touch.
Similarly, there's this one little mouse thing, colored bright yellow and black.It too is also insubstantial to the touch. How odd.
The third is this lizard-like creature, bright orange and with a flame burning constantly atop its tail. Despite this bright firey color scheme, it's quite cool to the touch, and has the smooth texture of finely hammered steel.
...Dude, that lizard is seriously metal right there.I can't say no to such an awesome thing as that.
I know just what to name him too.
With Jesus in tow, Elm gives me the directions to Mr Pokemon's house: just past Cherrygrove City, the next town over. Follow the path and
I should get there without too much trouble...if you discount the fact there's the unknown wilds lurking between me and Cherrygrove.
Still, I think I have faith in my metal-lizard friend here. He doesn't seem too viscous or face-eating--
Oh arceus, I can see the look of hunger in its eyes.
Please don't eat my face, Jesus.
OH ARCEUS, IT'S CHECKING IF I SMELL GOOD. GET THOSE SAVAGE TEETH AWAY FROM ME OH MAN----
Oh...I guess it just likes me? Or it likes what it sees. If I see that thing licking its chops at me while we're out, I'm chucking a rock at the beast and legging it, knighthood be damned.
I prepare to leave the lab and Jesus seems eager to follow me (doesn't want it's meal to wander off, maybe?). Before I can blow this joint Elm's weedy-looking aide stops me. He offers some medications in case things go bad out there. I thank him for his kindness, mentally biting back a snarky comment on his short-shorts and ckicken-legs, and head out into the world with Heavy Metal Jesus at my side.
--Only to get this chick all up in my face. Peasant please, I'm a Knight of the Agency, bugger off.
She babbles on for a bit about something or other, oblivious to my noble superiority, then she runs off with her little blue ball thingy following behind her. Those two are gonna get eaten alive out there in the wilds, take my word for it.
I head back to mum's house to get my pokegear. Always make sure your children have an expensive phone on them, I say. It's a crucial part of safety. You never know when a game of Angry Spearows might be detrimental to your child's safety.
Oh, and I guess you can call people on it too. But seriously, who uses phones for that anymore?
Finally, I start my trek into the woods...only to get interrupted by Elm. He wanted to give me his number. I have no comments about that.
Right, into the woods we go! No more disruptions! Savage teddy bear picnic, here I come! Get ready for GTFO and Heavy Metal Jesus, professional picnic crashers!CHAAAAAAARGE!
Not too far into the depths of the woods, we find the path overgrown with tall grass. I've done my research; all my PokePaladin comics have taught me the xeno-beast pokemon lurk in the grass for the unsuspecting weak! I'm not weak!...nah man, totally not weak.
Just to be safe, I
throw tactically send heavy metal jesus into the grass first, y'know, to scout.
OH ARCEUS WHAT IN MY ANAGRAMMED NAME IS THAT. JESUS TAKE THE LEAAAAD!
Jesus knows what to do! He tackles the elephantine thing, despite it being larger and fatter than me, and nimbly crawls up to its face to bite its nose off! One gnashing of teeth and the ugly heretic's trunk is severed! The beast flops over in pain and passes out, as Jesus proceeds to gnaw at the still living body. I hastily flee the scene in panic, going deeper into the forest.
Oh man, that was messy. I didn't realize that stuff like this was included in the job description! I never read the fine print!
I huddle down by a ledge for a bit and try to think about fluffy pink unicorns...manly unicorns of metal, I mean, and try to ignore the chewing sounds in the bushes. Jesus rejoins me a short while later. He at least had the decency to wipe his face clean...I try not to think about his natural skill at eating faces and we press on deeper into the woods, my confidence visibly shaken, but not completely stirred.
Another of the elephant-things ambushes us. It actually survives one of Jesus' trademark face-crunches. It summons swarms of bees from the trees to attack Jesus, but his metal flesh forged in the Flaming Depths of Heavy Metal let him shrug of the swarming insects' stinging! The elephant-thing swings a grassy-whip at Jesus, but his metal-flesh is even more unfazed! Jesus lunges once again for the elephant-thing's trunk! Once more, the monster falls to Jesus' face-crunching prowess! The swarms of bees flee the scene as Jesus digs into the corpse. I don't wait around to watch, and when Jesus rejoins me he looks a bit stronger.
Further along the path, a large bird suddenly swoops down on Jesus! He looks intimidated, but he quickly launches a shot of pure shining metal light from is mouth, blinding the bird and knocking it from the sky! The viscous bird-of-prey shoots one of it's own eggs(don't ask how) at Jesus in a last attempt at self-defense, but the blind shot misses terribly and a face-crunch finishes the failed-predator off. The battle was so quick I couldn't catch a clear glimpse of the bird-beast. Jesus claims his kill once more in grisly fashion, and looks bigger and tougher from the feeding. He seems to grow quickly.
Surprisingly, tears spring to my little partner's eyes! Is the violence too much even for one of these blood-thirsty creatures??
Oh, nah. Jesus notes my look of concern and visibly laughs at me, wiping the crocodile tears from his eyes and running ahead. The sneaky little git is learning quick.
We are nearing the town now. I can see it's borders!
Ack! Another bird! Jesus! Eat it!
Yep. He ate it alright. I seem to be getting used to tragedy and gore, and surprisingly quickly. As a side note, these bird things seem quite filling; Jesus grows with each meal, yet he never seems satiated.
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Well, we've made it at last; Cherrygrove city. Rows of pretty flowers and stereotypical white picket fences greet us. I need a nap, and a poke-root-beer or three. This job's harsh, man.
"Heavy Metal" Jesus the Vain Charmander: 4 wild pokemon, 0 Trainer Pokemon
I was planning on taking the charmander, really. Steel seems to be the best bet for a run like this, with the most "uneffective" typings against it, making it good for early game defense.
Heavy Metal Jesus is a beast. not only is he steel and proficient at eating faces, his attack and special attack are even, his starting attacks are both powerful and match his type and come as physical and special, respectively.
Not only that, but Heavy Metal Jesus is also a dark type and learned Fake Tears. The irony is as strong as steel here.
The randomizer has made some hilarious things here. A bird-based pokemon with egg bomb? Comedy gold.
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Topic: (LP)Soulsilver xtreme Ranlocke--The darkness menaces with spikes of fish (Read 17220 times)