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Author Topic: Roll to Priest: The End.  (Read 68889 times)

Toaster

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Re: Roll to Priest 5: A Fistful of Bishops: Turn Four: A Dangerous Thing!
« Reply #345 on: December 20, 2012, 09:05:21 pm »

Line 'em up, knock 'em dead.



"Bloody good show, Your Grace!  Let's take this holy train all the way down to the site of the Relic!

Move along to the relic site.



Another quality writing job.  Errol's turn kept me wondering where that horrible roll would lead him.
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HMR stands for Hazardous Materials Requisition, not Horrible Massive Ruination, though I can understand how one could get confused.
God help us if we have to agree on pizza toppings at some point. There will be no survivors.

Errol

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Re: Roll to Priest 5: A Fistful of Bishops: Turn Four: A Dangerous Thing!
« Reply #346 on: December 21, 2012, 09:50:06 am »

Haha, oh god, best one I ever rolled.

Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeck nevermind I got this. Father O'Neill! Give me a hand, here! This is the time a Christian has to do what a Christian's gotta do! It's time for an emergency sermon! First, rip the shard of glass out of my thigh. A true priest cares not for blood loss. Then, with the force of righteous christianity, allegorize this burning fire from heaven and associate it with the cafeteria's sinfulness, the coming of the end of times, an urgent need to repent and an even more urgent need to clothe the nude priest. Prioritize sounding menacing over actually being understood, we've got to ride that wave!
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Re: Roll to Priest 5: A Fistful of Bishops: Turn Four: A Dangerous Thing!
« Reply #347 on: December 26, 2012, 12:57:10 am »

"Feck yer story, an' feck yer feckin' tiling as well, you great shitting arsebiscuit! Feeeeck!

>Bellowing his ancestral battle cry, Father O'Feckerty shall lunge fowards from the backseat, flailing at the car stereo with one hand in an attempt to turn it at an exceedingly inappropriate volume to the christian rock station!

>Once Father Tiruin is (hopefully) shocked into insensibility by the blasting music, boot that gobshite out of the car and take over at the wheel!

>Then floor it towards... Uh, where were we going, anyway? Whatever, just put the pedal to the metal anyways.
It's that sort of scene, you know?
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Re: Roll to Priest 5: A Fistful of Bishops: Turn Four: A Dangerous Thing!
« Reply #348 on: December 29, 2012, 12:48:24 am »

((Forgive me la, for my net is troubled.))

"Ahh good, now we're talking about feck and the Fecks! Interesting...Irish ideas, now let me try to aid this story of the green isles with something...And this seat, goodness how you've...angled it wrong. What was yours again, Feckerty?"

Turn up the volume to an Irish tale!

Weave out of any supposed attacks on my person by adjusting my seat. And if I stay in the wheel, lecture the Bishops on the goodness of this island while we drive off to the destined location.

That location.
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lawastooshort

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Roll to Priest 5: A Fistful of Bishops: Turn Five: The Stone!
« Reply #349 on: January 03, 2013, 06:46:18 am »

Episode Five: A Fistful of Bishops: Turn Five: The Stone!



The Village of Ardglass…


Move along to the relic site.

"Bloody good show, Your Grace!” enthuses Father Lars. "Let's take this holy train all the way down to the site of the Relic!”

Helping Bishop Fachs to his feet, Father Lars strolls determinedly out of the café, leaning over the counter and grabbing a generous slice of carrot cake as he goes. He rummages about in his pocket and throws a two euro coin at the feet of the ex-heathens when he reaches the door. Both ex-nudists fall to their knees, wailing their praise and thanks, for they have been shown the Way!

Outside, the relentless drizzle has relented and, several miles away, it even looks as if a tiny burst of sunshine is piercing through the heavy cloud.

”Feckin’ marvellous!” blasts Bishop Fachs, suddenly seeming considerably less grumpy. ”Nothing better than a conversion and a nice smoke. Let’s get to that shiting relic now, shall we? Lead the way, Father Lars!”

…   …   …   …   …   …

The priest and the bishop finish stomping across the wet field of tussocky mounds of grass towards the cliff-top Holy Stone of Clonfeckert. They walk across to the unassuming stone and gaze over the cliff towards the Atlantic Ocean, grey, vast and choppy.

”Shite!” exclaims Bishop Fachs, suddenly taken by a moment of gratitude. ”It’s moments like these that make you think, well, shite! Feckin’ Jesus, eh? The world’s a beautiful feckin’ place, even with all the shitin’ eejits that live in it. Course, most of them’ll all be going to feckin’ Hell, if you believe all that shite. Sometimes, I’m not entirely sure I do, Lars. Can I call you Lars?”

Bishop Fachs reaches about under his bishop’s hat and pulls out a large cigarette. He lights it up and turns away from Father Lars to gaze once more over the waves.

Bishop Fachs’s cigarette smells… smells a bit strange, notices Father Lars.


The Burning Cafeteria of the Nearest Department Store in the Village of Ardglass…


It's time for an emergency sermon! First, rip the shard of glass out of my thigh. A true priest cares not for blood loss. Then, with the force of righteous Christianity, allegorize this burning fire from heaven and associate it with the cafeteria's sinfulness, the coming of the end of times, an urgent need to repent and an even more urgent need to clothe the nude priest. Prioritize sounding menacing over actually being understood, we've got to ride that wave!

”Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeck! Never mind, I got this. Bishop O'Neill! Give me a hand, here! This is the time a priest’s gotta do what a priest’s gotta do!” yells Father Errol.

Bishop O’Neill darts quickly over to Father Errol’s aid, slips on the pool of Father Errol’s blood coating the floor, and smashes his head off the table to which the bleeding priest is pinned. He drops to the floor like a bag of cement.

”Arsebiscuits,” realises Father Errol. ”There’s only one thing for it!”

The brave priest braces himself, grabs the massive shard of glass in his thigh, and slices his hand open. Blood spurts out directly into his eye!

Father Errol starts mumbling some slightly menacing sounding jargon about being nude and increasingly hot amidst the spreading flames before he realises most of his intended audience has fled.

The cafeteria appears to be burning!


A Road Outside the Village of Ardglass…


Turn up the volume to an Irish tale!

Weave out of any supposed attacks on my person by adjusting my seat. And if I stay in the wheel, lecture the Bishops on the goodness of this island while we drive off to the destined location.

That location.


"Ahh good, now we're talking about feck and the Fecks!" says Father Tiruin "Interesting...Irish ideas, now let me try to aid this story of the green isles with something...And this seat, goodness how you've...angled it wrong. What was yours again, Feckerty?"

"Feck yer story!” explodes Father O’Feckerty, "An' feck yer feckin' tiling as well, you great shitting arsebiscuit! Feeeeck! he yells, lunging forwards from the backseat of the car and flailing at the car stereo, somehow managing to turn it to an excruciatingly loud Christian rock station. With the other hand he starts punching Father Tiruin in the face.

>Bellowing his ancestral battle cry, Father O'Feckerty shall lunge forwards from the backseat, flailing at the car stereo with one hand in an attempt to turn it at an exceedingly inappropriate volume to the Christian rock station!

>Once Father Tiruin is (hopefully) shocked into insensibility by the blasting music, boot that gobshite out of the car and take over at the wheel!

>Then floor it towards... Uh, where were we going, anyway? Whatever, just put the pedal to the metal anyways.
It's that sort of scene, you know?


But Father Tiruin is an expert in the art of dodging, and has studied for many a year! He dodges the foul punches of Father O’Feckerty, and flings himself expertly out of the car window!

With the car continuing along without him, Father Tiruin lands with a dull thud in a nearby ditch.

As he looks up after the car, he just about makes out Father O’Feckerty clambering into the front seat and taking the wheel. The car speeds off.

At least, he thinks, he is clothed. Not like that eejit O’Feckerty.

…   …   …   …   …   …

A short while later Father O’Feckerty screeches to a halt at the other side of the field from the Holy Stone of Clonfeckert, where he looks over to Bishop Jordan in the passenger seat. He appears to be two thirds of the way through a bottle of fine Irish whisky!

The priest gets out of the stolen car, slams the door, and stretches his arms in the air. He notices a certain chill in the air.

He looks down and realises he is still entirely naked!

Two priests are naked! One cafeteria is burning!

Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
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Toaster

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Re: Roll to Priest 5: A Fistful of Bishops: Turn Five: The Stone!
« Reply #350 on: January 03, 2013, 09:26:46 am »

But with two bishops partaking of mind-altering substances, the points should be heading south soon.



Father Lars squinted at the Bishop.  That... couldn't be a good thing.

"Oh yes, Bishop, it's all right there in the Bible, good book that it is.  The view's nice and all, but do recall we have a job here?  Wouldn't want to disappoint the masses.  Hey, afterwards, we should find ourselves some more heathens to convert, aye?"


Gently encourage the bishop to get up and go to the site.
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HMR stands for Hazardous Materials Requisition, not Horrible Massive Ruination, though I can understand how one could get confused.
God help us if we have to agree on pizza toppings at some point. There will be no survivors.

Errol

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Re: Roll to Priest 5: A Fistful of Bishops: Turn Five: The Stone!
« Reply #351 on: January 03, 2013, 07:10:26 pm »

Oh shite. Serious situation! Call for the police, the firefighters, the ambulance, call on anyone that might listen (yes, this includes God), and SCREAM for some goddamn help and medical attention and a change of clothes and some better rolls for God's sake.
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lawastooshort

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Re: Roll to Priest 5: A Fistful of Bishops: I can haz?
« Reply #352 on: January 08, 2013, 05:43:01 am »

If I can haz actions then you can haz updates!

Well, I can probably definitely get one done this week if you post by Wednesday, Tiruin and Yoink!


And I will take suggestions if only one out of two has posted by Wednesday.
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Yoink

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Re: Roll to Priest 5: A Fistful of Bishops: Action Request Bump!
« Reply #353 on: January 08, 2013, 07:05:56 pm »

"Feck! I say, Yer Grace, might I 'ave a sip of that? A bit feckin' chilly out here! ...Oh, right, clothes. Shite an' feck."

>Humbly request a sip/swig/pull (in ascending order of likeliness) of whiskey from Bishop Jordan!

> Then scout around for the burrow of some sort of, well, burrowing creature, like a badger or mole or whatever the little fecks are called! Then punch ' em in the feckin' snout and yank off their furry hide for use as a makeshift cassock/loincloth!



((sorry for not posting, my laptop's being stupid and cannot access the internet so I had to post this from my phone... Hence the difficulties))
« Last Edit: January 08, 2013, 07:09:21 pm by Yoink »
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Re: Roll to Priest 5: A Fistful of Bishops: Action Request Bump!
« Reply #354 on: January 09, 2013, 03:24:44 am »

((sorry for not posting, my [NETWORK]'s being stupid and cannot access the internet so I had to post this from my [LAPTOP ONCE IT WAS FIXED]... Hence the difficulties))

"Oh bother. Quite alone now, hmm? Perhaps now I've got time to prepare my speech. Just a while that'a'way to the Stone..."

Proceed solemnly to the Area where our destination was supposed to be. Upon reaching there, start an Opening Mass before the main event.
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lawastooshort

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Roll to Priest 5: A Fistful of Bishops: Turn Six: Not Entirely Alone!
« Reply #355 on: January 09, 2013, 07:06:20 am »

Episode Five: A Fistful of Bishops: Turn Six: Not Entirely Alone!



A Road Outside the Village of Ardglass…


Proceed solemnly to the Area where our destination was supposed to be. Upon reaching there, start an Opening Mass before the main event.

"Oh bother," remarks Father Tiruin, quite alone on a road somewhere outside the village of Ardglass.

"Quite alone now, hmm? Perhaps now I've got time to prepare my speech. Just a while that'a'way to the Stone..."

He realises there is nothing for it but to make his way to the Holy Stone of Clonfeckert and hope to get there before the Relic Regrading Ceremony begins, perhaps quickly going over his Relic Regrading Ceremony speech on the way.

He sets off.

Suddenly he notices – is that? Ooh! Yes! I say!


The General Vicinity of the Holy Stone of Clonfeckert…


Gently encourage the bishop to get up and go to the site.

Somewhat nearer the Holy Stone of Clonfeckert, but still several metres away from it and overlooking the magnificent ocean, Bishop Fachs has found a bench.

"Oh yes, Bishop, it's all right there in the Bible, good book that it is? The-"

”Good book!” splutters Bishop Fachs, coughing out the deep drag he’d been busy with. ”Good book?! If it was so feckin’ good, why didn’t He write it in feckin’ Irish? Eh? If this is God’s own feckin’ country, He’d have feckin’ wrote it in feckin’ Irish! Eh!”

The Bishop stops to take another drag and Father Lars seizes his chance.

"Er, yes, Bishop. Very interesting. That’s very nice and all, but do recall we have a job here? Wouldn't want to disappoint the masses. Hey-"

”Hohoho! Very good! The masses! I see what you did there! Like what we do! Masses! Get it?! Ahahahahha!”

The Bishop keels over sideways on his bench, giggling uncontrollably to himself. Father Lars tries one desperate last shot.

"Hey, afterwards, we should find ourselves some more heathens to convert, aye?"

”Heathens! Ohohohohoho! Heathens! Eh-heeheeheeheeheehee! Those feckin’ gobshites! No better’n a great pile of arse!”

Bishop Fachs rolls off his bench and continues his fit of hysteria on the ground.

>Humbly request a sip/swig/pull (in ascending order of likeliness) of whiskey from Bishop Jordan!

> Then scout around for the burrow of some sort of, well, burrowing creature, like a badger or mole or whatever the little fecks are called! Then punch 'em in the feckin' snout and yank off their furry hide for use as a makeshift cassock/loincloth!


"Feck! I say, Yer Grace, might I 'ave a sip of that? A bit feckin' chilly out here! ...Oh, right, clothes. Shite an' feck."

”Drink! Feck! Gobshite!” blasts Bishop Jordan, punching Father O’Feckerty in the nose.

”Feckin’ eejit!”

Bishop Jordan jumps on the unfortunate priest, knocking him to the ground and raising his bottle above his head, ready to smash across Father O’Feckerty’s face.

Suddenly the bishop notices a passing badger or mole or whatever the little feck is called! The burrowing creature saves Bishop Jordan’s bottle of whiskey from face-related destruction and flees desperately across the field as the bishop chases it!

Bishop Jordan rugby tackles the running badger and grabs it by the hind legs! He swings the squealing mole above his head as he stumbles drunkenly back towards Father O’Feckerty, now backing nakedly away on the muddy ground!

Bishop Jordan smacks Father O’Feckerty round the face with the badger!

"Is that- ouch!"

He hits the priest again, right in the snout!

"Arg! Ouch! Oh bollocks!"

He hits the priest in the mouth! The burrowing creature dislodges one of Father O’Feckerty’s teeth!

"Aie! A no?"

Bishop Jordan is too busy to reply!


The Burning Cafeteria of the Nearest Department Store in the Village of Ardglass…


Call for the police, the firefighters, the ambulance, call on anyone that might listen (yes, this includes God), and SCREAM for some goddamn help and medical attention and a change of clothes and some better rolls for God's sake.

Oh shite. Serious situation! thinks Father Errol, fairly accurately, as blood sprays from his hand and the shard of glass pinning him to the table begins to get hotter.

The whole cafeteria, he notices, seems to be getting hotter.

Probably due to the spreading flames, he realises.

Time for action, he decides.

”SHITE! GET THE FECKIN’ POLICE! GET A FIRE ENGINE! GET A FECKIN’ AMBULANCE! OH COME ON, GOD! I NEED SOME FECKIN’ HELP!”

A fire alarm starts ringing!

A distant police siren starts sirening!

An approaching ambulance starts wailing!

A member of the public runs up, wielding a first aid kit, and bandages Father Errol’s horrifically bleeding hand!

A shop assistant arrives, wielding an overcoat, and drapes it over Father Errol’s horrifically naked body!

A cafeteria waitress comes near, wielding several of the cafeteria’s finest bread rolls, and throws them at Father Errol’s horrifically confused face!

Suddenly a fireman dashes over to Father Errol, whips out the shard of glass, and removes the priest from the table, carries him from the burning department store, and sets him on the ground outside.

Father Errol’s bleeding leg gives in and he collapses face first onto the floor.


A Road Outside the Village of Ardglass…


If one was driving along a certain road, somewhere outside the village of Ardglass, the casual observer might happen to notice what seems to be a priest, deep in conversation at the side of the road.

”So you see um, what was particularly interesting about this piece of wood, like your good self, was the grain was particularly spaced out…”

A somewhat one-sided conversation, it would probably be noted.

”But anyway, I found that the best paintbrush for optimal application of the creosote was one that was exactly three point five inches across and half an inch deep and four inches long, because, you know, this meant that I could get a good amount of the treatment on without dropping too much on the grass and of course, Mrs McNeil, she loves making the tea but she’s not terribly good with the garden – did I tell you about the time that she had to redo the lawn after I attempted to tile the bathroom? Terrible shame it was, she was in hospital for several months…”

One might even, if one slowed down very slightly, notice that Father Tiruin, for it is he, appears to be deep in conversation with a fencepost.

”But eventually she got the last mole out, and I managed to claim the shovels on expenses from the parish budget so, you know, I suppose it was ok, and Mrs McNeil had a few weeks of rest too. Anyway, how about you, what’s your preferred paper size? I like the traditional ones meself… Ooh, but I’m getting distracted again. D’you like a good Mass? Would you like to hear one?”

One priest is naked! One cafeteria is burning!

Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
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Toaster

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Re: Roll to Priest 5: A Fistful of Bishops: Turn Six: Not Entirely Alone!
« Reply #356 on: January 14, 2013, 10:28:43 am »

"Oh yes, Bishop, bloody hilarious.  Hey, I could drive you somewhere even better!  Hop in the car!"

Cajole the Bishop into the car.  If I can, knock his weedcig away when he's not paying attention.



((Sorry, keep forgetting to come down and update.))
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HMR stands for Hazardous Materials Requisition, not Horrible Massive Ruination, though I can understand how one could get confused.
God help us if we have to agree on pizza toppings at some point. There will be no survivors.

Errol

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Re: Roll to Priest 5: A Fistful of Bishops: Turn Six: Not Entirely Alone!
« Reply #357 on: January 14, 2013, 03:12:16 pm »

Continue lying face-first on the ground, because it seems to be comfortable so far and nothing bad's happened yet. Try to put on and close overcoat while remaining in that position. Enjoy bread rolls, and share them with Bishop O'Neill. Then, with peace of mind, and possibly the company of O'Neill, ponder God and the mysterious ways he works in.
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Re: Roll to Priest 5: A Fistful of Bishops: Turn Six: Not Entirely Alone!
« Reply #358 on: January 15, 2013, 07:34:44 pm »

"Argh! Gimme that, yer Grace! You're out of yer feckin' mind an' shite, temporary insanity and all that nonsense!"

>Punch Bishop McFeckerty right in the face-- for his own good, you understand! He's clearly having a panic attack of some sort.

>While he is (hopefully) knocked out, clothe myself in that badger shite and help myself to the Bishop's whiskey. Lord knows I deserve it!



((Sorry! I haven't really... been on the forums much, being on holiday and all.))
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Booze is Life for Yoink

To deprive him of Drink is to steal divinity from God.
you need to reconsider your life
If there's any cause worth dying for, it's memes.

Tiruin

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Re: Roll to Priest 5: A Fistful of Bishops: Turn Six: Not Entirely Alone!
« Reply #359 on: January 16, 2013, 12:21:34 am »

((Meep :/))

Father Tiruin smiled.

He smiled for an elongated amount of seconds before patting the fencepost and turning on his heel towards what he interpreted to be the destination to be held. He took a deep whiff of the fresh air and braced himself as he took the first step towards the Stone.

"Now, my speech is ready."

Get to desired location! Mentally and vocally prepare a rousing speech of allegories and assumptions.

When there, examine the area - if there are any others which are not Bishops/Priests, hold a mass! If not, get all prim and proper, making the Bishops feel comfortable and tending to their needs.
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